the journey...

Well, I’ve nearly been travelling for 24 hours. At this point, my thoughts are lost amongst exhaustion and frustration… One year. Intense. I don’t know if it’s quite set in. I pray that home becomes something new. I hope that new faces and missions become familiar and necessary. I honestly have no idea what to expect. Thousands of miles away from everything I know...

I feel a lot of inspiration, which is exciting, but my heart is still in America for now, as I get used to living without the usual and the normal. So much love was poured on me in the past months to prepare my heart for this new endeavor. Now that same love will flow out of me.

It’s so amazing that I can leave the country feeling like I brought everyone with me! There is so much love to spread and share. I couldn’t have done this by myself. As an independent person, it’s a special thing that I can say that! God has moved so much in my life this year. I barely know myself anymore, but that’s a glorious thing… All I know is Christ, and that’s the way it should be. Thank you so much to all those who supported me in thought, prayer and especially in finances. I legitimately could not be here without you! Just rest assured that God has me now. I'm so excited for things to come! He's got big plans... I can feel it!

I know I will get to a point in this venture where I will just want to be home or be able to hug my mom, and I pray in those moments that God will give me strength and hold me close. I know that God has sent me here for a season, and I will trust in the plan He has for me here.

Prayer requests - Health/safety during travels, a willing heart and mind, and just prayer for my involvement here in Africa.

Love,

Kristen

ballad for the unemployed: plans

insomnia brings about the greatest thoughts... or so it seems. this is a ballad for the unemployed: woe is us. we want, we waste, and we wither. ok, i'm kidding, but seriously, who knew how hard all of this would be? i mean, yeah, God warned me and prepped me, but there's only so much words can do to describe real life. we learn that each and every day, when our words fall short to express how much we love someone. there was a part of me that hoped this would be better than what i had before. it's proving to be much of the same, just different.

my thoughts run to after Africa. i know we are to stay away from those regions, but my mind can't help but wander. what am i going to do? this has been asked of me at least 3 times this weekend. my answer: you tell me. i'm gonna wait. just like every other circumstance in my life, i will wait. seems that every fiber of me is waiting for something... like life is on pause or slow motion or something (and of course we lost the remote).

oftentimes, i wish God had just called me to simplicity. to normal. to redundant. go to school, get a job, get married, family, retirement, death... la de da. but then i give myself a nice big kick in the pants: this is what you prayed for Kristen. this is what you hoped for so long ago when you were young and you felt different. you felt called to something wild. literally and metaphorically. Africa was emblazoned on my heart so many years ago, undeniably. so there flew normalcy out the window...

it's not bad, it's just hard. it's hard to watch all my friends lead their normal, textbook lives, as mine appears to crumble and confuse. then i think about Paul. plans? what did he think his life was gonna look like, when all the sudden he was staring at a stone cold cell wall? how about when he was killing christians? did he think he would one day be the most influential writer in the new testament? plans... created things and yet so fleeting.

"A man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

who are we? human. so why do we try to orchestrate things anyways? have you looked around to see what we do to each other when left to our own devices? we destroy, degrade, deprave. so it would make sense to unload my life into the hands of a Being that can handle my epic failure. i'm done guessing. i'm done deciphering. i'm done deciding. i'm free and open and willing. heart, body, mind, and soul. God: make me, mold me, mature me... no more plans, only You.

k10 :)

the verge.

We stand on the verge of something great... In order to continue on, we must strain forward, not linger behind. We look ahead and see mountains and valleys and oceans and decide that maybe ahead is a little too rough. We glance behind and see pretty faces and rolling hills and calm meadows. So many people make it to this verge, this chasm, this beginning and turn around. Why? Because there is difficulty, strife, challenge, adventure, tears, and pain to be had... But what does the past lend you? THE SAME THINGS. Pressing onward you discover that in and amongst the pain is healing. The tears, joy. The adventure, calm. The challenge, rest. The strife, victory. And the difficulty, ease.

Last night, I gave up a great job, with great youth and a great opportunity... for what? For the verge... I am now looking ahead to see a challenge beyond any I have ever experienced. Only time will tell the success or failure, but all I know is God called. This is the first time in my life I decided to go with the impossible instead of the practical. I simply and finally chose God's way instead of my own. It was easier than I thought, but then again, I'm not in Africa yet. Saying goodbye to beautiful faces and wonderful experiences was HARD. But that's what I expected. I don't believe in the warm fuzzy sugar-coated Gospel. That's not the truth. Jesus warned of persecution and strife! And yes, he also told us of great things to come when we chose the way of the Gospel, but he didn't forget to mention REALITY. The world will despise, people will persecute, and it's not always rainbows and butterflies.

To live for the now is not to forget the past, but to make sure not to live in it. It's so easy to remember and hold on to what we used to have instead of looking at what God has for us now. Blaze a new trail! I am excited for the next chapter in my life, but for a moment look back with a heavy heart as I put the finishing touches on this previous chapter. I will forge ahead, but I will never forget.

-Kristen

23 and fall.

there's a sort of spirit in the air as fall approaches. the leaves begin to change color, the grass withers, the flowers fade. an eerie solemnness settles all around. we miss the warmth of the sun, but crave the warmth of a hearth. you look back for a moment, then look forward to: crisp days and early nights, scarfs and hot coffee, oranges and browns. we welcome change quarterly. we cannot control or really complain. seasons are a part of life. as are our own spiritual seasons and generational seasons.

there is a time for change, growth, flourishing, vibrancy. there is a time for stagnancy, regression, dying, dullness. the terrain of a spiritual journey should be mountainous... ups and downs. twists and turns. surrounded by glory and inherent beauty all along the way... it's no wonder that we feel closest to God when we literally reach the top of a summit. it's precisely how our lives were meant to be lived. in the valleys and at the tippy top. smooth and rough. narrow and broad. it's an adventure.

you embark each and every day. maybe you reach the top in one and stumble to the bottom in another, but the story is being told and a trail is being blazed.

23. it's a number. it's a couple decades. it's an age. marriage, children, college, career. expectations come with the number. for once i'm beginning to realize, it's not worth my thoughts. to dwell in such sorrow and loss, looking back on days long since past, would be a waste. i am here. i am now. i am more than a number. defined by the range of God's love in my life. from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs, He was there.

as i feel that first cool breeze of fall, i will honor my Creator. another season of change... another heart to be filled... another road less travelled. a journey simply begins with the first step. step one: today.

-k10

simply put:

Adventure. My life. These two things don't quite go together as I once thought.

Confusion. My life. Now that's more like it.

We all desire to have a grand life & to be somebody, right? Well, how many people end up actually embarking on such an adventure? Few. None. The meek. Those that know they need a Savior can fully release their life, hopes, & dreams to God, & fully become that "somebody."

Need -> Accept -> Change

It's that simple. Recognize the need for a Savior, accept Him as yours & boom: life transformation. God is a man of simplicity. Ok, He's not really a man, so that might be a little complicated, but that's beside the point.

LOVE GOD, LOVE PEOPLE. The two greatest commandments. Everything else tends to be relative to this. Oswald Chambers says in his book "The Call," that the simplest of all messages to understand, but the most profoundly deep is that "all is grace." Love & grace, the two pinnacle points & concepts that shape our faith. The concepts that go the very deepest & yet, they are so very simple.

To lead this adventure that God has called us to we need to stop thinking. Thinking is really the enemy of doing sometimes. Thinking is mostly useful in studying theologies or filtering potential hurtful remarks. Don't let it distract you from the true purpose that resides in all of us. Don't get bogged down with trying to define things like love & grace. There's one easy/obvious picture of it: JESUS. You want a definition? Read about His life.

Now just because we see this example, Jesus, doesn't mean it's easy... There is love & grace abounding in each of us through a Savior, but showing love can sometimes be the most difficult thing we ever have to do. But I once knew a love... He was true, blameless. He died on a cross for me. Did what no one else could & saved us all. EVERY ONE OF US. You say you can't love that person? Having a hard time "dealing" with them? Just remember the cross & the man who died to deal with your sin first.

The people who are the hardest to love, we should try the hardest to love. It's that simple.

-Kristen

poem - 7/24/10

I found this today and it made me smile... written for me by a dear friend. You know who you are:

mountains green

trees so tall

colorful houses

children so small

dirty hands

smudged faces

bright sun

most beautiful places

nicaragua.

gbly,

today's the day!

As I gaze at the rising sun, I can feel impending doom... Well, impending life I guess, but if you add the fear, it just feels like a lot of doom. I know what I need to do, and it all seems so simple, yet so impossible.

I felt God urge me last night to wake up for the sunrise... I've seen many a sunrise, but I guess there was something special about this one, today, right now, that He wanted me to see. There is a cloud stretching across the sky, oddly illuminated unlike any other cloud. Brought to light only in this moment... for a short moment. It's majesty reflected from the sun. The cloud cannot bring glory to itself. It is merely a vessel, a mirror, a beacon to magnify a glory that already exists.

This is precisely who we are in Christ. Our inner glory is brought to sight only through the light of Him. More often than not, we are shown dull and lifeless, pressing on day to day in the normal drone and flow of the world. But there are times when we truly allow Christ to shine through us and illuminate life and peace and joy. It's as gorgeous and powerful as a sunrise. Yes, a sunrise by the sun itself is beautiful, but some of the best sunrises I've seen to date are the best, because of the surrounding clouds. Clouds brought to life and light. A generation brought to life and light.

God is about to move in me BIG time... my life is about to change; HECK, my life is about to begin. The first step out is always the hardest, and so many times we don't even get past the first step. I envy Peter and his faith enough to leap out of the boat and begin his walk on water to Jesus. What do you think was running through his head when he first looked out at the Lord and the crashing waves separating them?? Fear. Doubt. All was wiped away as he kept his eyes fixed on Jesus, and he swung his leg over the side of the boat. His first step. He only began to sink when he removed his eyes; when he lost sight; when he feared and doubted.

God, I pray that you illuminate my life -- allow me to bring and shine your glory and majesty! And more than anything, give me strength enough to take that first step out of the boat... the first step in this wild adventure... the first step into the unknown.

And as I said about a week ago -- this is ONLY the beginning...

4th work day.

So today was interesting. Frustrating. Exhausting. As we arrived into San José up in the mountains of Matagalpa, things were looking up. It was our last work day, so all the dental equipment would need to get on the bus in the afternoon. Everyday we had walked a little over a mile to get to the community... bags and all, depending on the day. But because God had help back the rain ALL week (during the "rainy" season) it was dry enough for the bus to make it all the way into town! Praise the Lord! It was also a big day for us with VBS. All week we had been warring with the Pastor in San José to let us use some sort of facilities for our little activity, and all week he had turned us down. Monday, they basically kicked us out of the church!

Well, today we arrive expecting to use the school for VBS, a dental hygiene presentation, and to serve the kids lunch. Come to find out, when we were said yes to the day before, they actually meant no. Frantically, Fide (the team house mom & wonderful help to us all week) tried to find out if we could use the church (which is NOT what I wanted to do, considering our luck on Monday). It was 9:15 am... we had the church until 10:15 am -- so began "speed VBS!" Grateful for the opportunity to have any building, we sped through and in an hour finished the craft, dental presentation, and fed the kids! I was also reminded of the story of the "loaves and fishes" from the new testament. With OVER a hundred kids, and not enough food it seemed as though the food just kept appearing. Every child got something, even if it was just half a sandwich, including children that had just jumped in line from school letting out!

With spirit's high and a ghetto duct tape bandage for the blister on my hand, the rest of the VBS crew and I journeyed up the hill to construction. We were tired. HANDS DOWN, dog-tired. This would be our fourth day shoveling cement. Muscles ached, blisters stung, and booted feet throbbed. But there's no rest for the weary! As soon as we arrived it was time to make more concrete and more concrete... and more concrete. Just as it seemed and felt as though we might die, the sun hid behind the clouds... a cool breeze began to blow and four other people showed up to switch off shoveling and give us a break! The body of Christ at work and in perfect harmony. Lightening each others loads and bearing each others burdens. Literally. Even stubborn ol' me put down the shovel for a minute.

It was about time to let people love and help me. A special lesson God has been trying to teach me my whole life. My thorn... the bane of my existence. It was a beautiful freedom to let go of that shovel, because I did more than rest my weary body; I finally rested my weary soul. God has a funny way of prepping us for what's to come. A couple weeks ago I wrote a song called "Find Rest." In a special way, I found rest in Nicaragua... with the release of a shovel. With the acceptance of a helping hand. With the cool breeze on my face.

Find Rest:

Rest my soul, I'm weary Lord

Burdened by the weight of the world, the weight of my life

Rest my heart, I'm heavy Lord

Weighed down by all of my sin, all of my shame

And I will wait when the wind blows

And I will wait through the fire

And I will wait when the earth is shaking

I'll hear You whisper... You'll say:

'Find rest my child.

Find rest my own.

Find rest my love.

Find rest in me here... find rest.'

You have calmed the storms in my life

You have called me home into Your arms

And I am found in You and in Your grace

And I'll find rest... again.

**Let this be my prayer**

the third day.

Verses to think about: Hebrews 13:2 & Matthew 25:34-45

So I was able to share my heart with the team this morning and give the devotion. Before I gave the devo, I played the song "All Who Are Thirsty," which I truly believe is my life song right now. Let God refresh you - whoever you are! Let the pain and the sorrow be washed away in the waves of His mercy! Wow. Story of my life. We are all God's children, and we are all presented with life and refuge in Him. No matter where we are, who we are, and when we are.

I love the idea of a clay pot, a clay figure - in view of God's will for us. First, think back to second grade when you made that oh so unattractive bowl for mom. What did she do with it? Regardless of it's aesthetic value, it was a prize. It was loved, cherished, and immediately appreciated. And when it fell or broke, she pieced it back together, perfect in its own brokenness and scars. She loved this bit of your creation, because she LOVED the creator (you).

It's just like our lives in Christ. Each one of us is a glimpse at our beautiful Creator. Each human is their own dumpy, struggling clay pot. Each human deserves that dignity and love. Yes, deserves. It's not earned by wealth or reputation - It's gifted by sacrifice. In no way can we decide how much love someone receives. Besides, we shouldn't worry and ask "how much," we should just implore God for opportunities to love more!

I also love the concept of clay in thinking about God's work in us... ever forming and reforming... firing and refiring... painting and repainting... breaking and rebreaking... gluing and regluing... We are in a constant state of change or growth. Never finished. Just as Jesus' ministry was never and will never be truly finished... that ministry and message lives on in us. We never truly "finish" impacting people. It's all God in the end! We should try to look more and more to the body of Christ and how we work together with Jesus to build a ministry. Not how we can finish it!

The beauty of Christianity is that it's organic, alive, ever-moving, always changing, and never EVER finished. God called us to be world changers... not the Omega. That's His job.

Second work day.

Perspective. Change of perspective.

When we begin to see through God's eyes, we actually can see. See for the first time. See people for who they are not what they are. Today was one of those days -- a day to see beyond ourselves. When you have shoveled so much cement and emptied your boots of sweat twice, you begin to see a new world, new attitude, new hope. It's not about the things you can find to complain about (like the blister on your hand or your sore feet), because there will always be something. But it's the reason you've received your wounds.

I once knew a man who was wounded for people He loved... without condition He loved them all. And He has the scars to prove that love. I will wear boldly my aches and scars in honor of love and sacrifice! Just as my Savior once did for me. It's all worth it to see a smiling face... beaming with true happiness. A happiness free of the corruption of wealth and prosperity. A pure innocent happiness that inspires change. Jesus shines through in the face of those that need... "For whatever you do for the least of these, you have done for me..."

We are the only ones that can do what God has called us to do. Why wait and hope that someone else will take care of it?

Do now, think later...

First work day.

It's nothing like mixing cement that reminds you of your blessings. We are laying the foundation to someone's house in San Hosé (an impoverished community in Matagalpa). A house that might be the size of a kitchen in an American home. But regardless of the size or quality, it will be a shelter, a haven, a home. I can't help but think about the verse in Matthew about the "city on a hill":

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden... In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

This house can shine as a beacon of God's love. Hope for a new day... new life. It is inspiring to work along side a while community to build not only foundations, but to build unity and strength. Seeing a 10 year old carry a bag of dirt that's bigger than them is inspiration enough.

Today we also did a craft with the kids in VBS that had to do with God's ability to protect and heal us. It is always something I can be reminded of, especially after Nancy's death. It would be easy to look at things and say God can't heal, and He can't handle my issues or pains or hurts. But the fact is, He can and does! He heals and guides beyond our primitive, provincial knowledge. He's always working on the heart and soul. The deepest places in us.

I thank God for humbling moments like today, where I remember my need and humanness. It wouldn't be a mission trip without a little dose of humility! "In humility, I can see. What You want me to be. All of You is all of me."

grace like rain:

Took on new meaning as we listened to the actual rain drop on the mountainside... the fresh smell, the cool breeze, the soothing rhythm, the natural cleansing; refreshing the land.

Now on to the idea of grace: as it pours it restores, cleanses, refreshes... changes the recipient in inside and out. Allows for new growth. Allows for a FRESH start... a new soul.

I've never actually compared grace and rain until the pitter patter began this afternoon. It's such a beautiful idea: not just coined by Todd Agnew. I believe we were meant to understand grace this way. God places concepts of His love and grace that we are meant to understand only in view of creation. We as created learn from creation. You catch a glimpse of yourself and the Creator in the beautiful things around you...

grace... rain... spiritual... physical... it's all God.

El Domingo

We're here in Matagalpa. In worship with the people of this city. I can't help but think of the way church should be, the way God's love really works. Living in unity with Christians hundreds of miles away.

Very few of us on the team actually speak Spanish, but love knows no bounds. It speaks beyond language barriers. It speaks directly to the heart and looks past the colors, the accents, the flaws, the differences. It is not "our team" and "them" -- it's us. Rob Bell says in his book "Sex God," that until we start appreciating and honoring creation, we will never be able to appreciate and honor the Creator. Creation directly reflects the Creator!!

We are all children, all human, all deserving or undeserving equally. Same mission, same love, same grace. I pray that God gives me more of His sight; His eyes to see brokenness; to see the hell and darkness around the world. I long to bring heaven and light... in God's name.

Hebrews 10:23-25 - We are called to each other. We are called to lift and edify. Ww are called to live by Truth and preach that, even when it might not be the comfortable or easy thing to do. WE have a God of impossible not practical. Start believing that...

Happy Sunday!

sunset from a plane:

It's like being on top of the world and experiencing God's splendor in its fullness. Well, we can never truly experience God's fullness, but sometimes you get that tiny glimpse of heaven through a plane window or an orphan's smile. God is constantly reminding us of what we have to look forward to and what we can bring to earth.

"His kingdom come on earth, as it is in heaven."

We can become heaven... We are messengers. The redeemed. We pick up our crosses to join the trek to Calvary. It's not an easy burden to bear. The road will be littered with blood, sweat, tears, and persecution, but we know the ultimate joy and relationship that comes with following Him. And it's soooo worth it. There's absolutely nothing else so worthy. So beautiful.

The oranges, reads, golds, blues of a sunset remind me that I'm not alone, I'm not my own, and I'm already home... at least in my heart.

...and I'll rest assured in my Savior's embrace!!

Nicaragua.

Things have been a little crazy to say the least. It's times like these, I forget to remember myself. Not in a selfish way, but in a normal healthy one. A way that allows for growth and stability. All I have right now is digression and chaos. Sometimes I try to think how to fix it, but I quickly realize that it's no simple fix.

I NEED to be in Africa. My heart is already there... I find myself getting lost in my thoughts and memories of South Africa. I have to remind myself that it's "not yet!" Live for today, for the now. Don't think about tomorrow, because tomorrow will become yesterday, and yesterday is too late!

As I prepare my mind for the week ahead, I can't help but think about how unprepared I am, but that's how it should be. No time to think about or conjure up expectations. No time to anticipate... that's all I do is think, dwell, ponder... There's a saying, "The farthest distance between you and God is 18 inches: the distance between your heart and your head." So "thinking" is a dangerous thing for me, especially right this moment! A dangerous thing that I do too much. I'm excited to see what God is going to do in the next week, and I'm not going to try and define it or limit God. He doesn't belong in the box that I shut Him in...

It's time to break free and let go. I feel there will be a lot more to this process in the weeks to come.

This is just the beginning...

Wrecked by love

I tried to write a song tonight. In my heartache and excess of emotions, I wanted cry out. Long story short, I failed. There are so many thoughts and ideas swimming around in my head the past few weeks, and now I have to drown in them; shrouded by the silence of my empty apartment. These thoughts become my nemesis... We bicker, we war, we hate. In the end, however boldly and adamantly I fought, I always lose. Welcome to another night alone with Kristen's thoughts. It's a frightening place to be.

I can safely say that the past three weeks have lifted and crushed my dreams. In a moment, I feel restored, refreshed, renewed, and I round the corner of 24 hours, and everything falls apart. I probably could do the world a favor by never having a good day... or week... or year. Because immediately following this "good" time is pain, sorrow, and destruction. Now I can't fully pin the blame on myself for every hurt surrounding my life and those around me, but it's an awful coincidence.

Images continue to creep into my mind from a place 6 years ago... Suddenly she's gone... Too soon... Unfair... Bitterness... Been there done that. But now I have new eyes to see a new day. Whether I think something is fair or right or "how it should be," God can change everything. In just one year, Nancy changed my life. Imagine what she did with all her other years, weeks, days, seconds. Pouting and sulking isn't going to do any good for her legacy that lives in me. Mourning is a different thing... I can miss her, but I can't just wish her back. If I sit around dwelling on the fact she isn't here, I'm going to miss a moment to share the love that she implanted in me.

This life is a fleeting vapor, a brief glimpse into eternity. I hope to use every moment like it's my last. I hope to love and live as Nancy did, resting in the knowledge of her Lord and Savior. If I had the faith that she did in her pinky finger, then things could be different... If every life she touched chose to pick up their own cross diligently and faithfully, then we would see a world WRECKED by love. Wrecked in a sense that everyone has to realize their brokenness to realize their need for Christ. God wreck my life... Allow me to wreck other's lives with a message of love... A message of love that was once translated to me through a hug, a laugh, a smile, and a story.

Her love became her legacy. Nancy Demus lives on inside of me.

-k10

Jamaica

2nd Corinthians 11:30 - "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."

2nd Corinthians 12:9 - "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Exhaustion. My mom said it best on the phone this morning: "You just never stop GOING." And she's right. But sometimes I wonder if the things I'm called to will not allow for a lengthy period of time to rest. Restlessness: to constantly keep striving & searching. You can have rest in God without actually being "at rest" (in the physical sense of the word). God ultimately gives us rest in other ways. If there's no time to slow down, then God will find ways for you to be filled & renewed, maybe while doing something you love.

I absolutely love worship. It's my heart, & more than that, it's my soul. This week I am in Jamaica on what would appear to the outsiders perspective as an exhausting mission trip. But really for me it's a worshipful reprieve from the drone of everyday life. I am surrounded by people who love God & love to worship. Now that's my cup o' tea. Life may never truly slow down, we just have to learn what REST really is.

Rest is different for everyone. Some people need more alone time/"at rest" time than others. Lifting up my voice tonight with a hundred Jamaican brothers & sisters is plenty of rest for me this week. The presence of God is visible in those times. We connect with each other - soul to soul - & God joins the party. I pray for an open heart & open mind & more importantly: REST - in its truest form. We need to look for those things that fill us. Those things that bring us rest. We need to hang on to those things & practice them often.

..::in my weakness, He is made strong::..

-Kristen

Judgment

As a Christian, I am listed on the top most judgmental people, regardless of how truly judgmental I am. It's not a proper account of activity, but simply the association. We give ourselves a bad reputation - let's be real. You may not judge more than the next person, but the fact is, we hold ourselves to a higher standard that we openly preach to the world. Falter from that standard, and persecuting eyes will take note. Although, there are the token many that blatantly judge and criticize in an attempt to "love" on the heathens. Mother Teresa once said, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." This quote absolutely sums up my thoughts the past few days...

Monday, I was leaving for lunch. I had planned to leave and be at lunch on time for once, so I was walking out to my car. I climbed in and quickly began to start and reverse, when a woman scuffles up to my window. I didn't put any descriptive words in front of woman, because honestly, I'm ashamed of the words I did think. I mean, you can only imagine... I judged her. My mind was so set on myself and my need to get to lunch that I didn't even listen to a word she said the first time she spoke to me. But all of the sudden, God broke my heart. He gently whispered, "Kristen, what are you doing? Isn't it the sick that need a doctor? The hungry that need food? This daughter of Mine that needs a ride? Who do you think you are?? You are my daughter just the same, and you would EXPECT someone to save you... Right?" My heart ached as I realized my own poverty... Poverty in Spirit and in Love.

I immediately opened my calloused heart and ears. Fifteen minutes later, I had dropped off my new friend Tina, and made it to lunch 7 minutes late. 7 minutes. That's how much time it takes for me to forget my Call, my Gift, my God. As I listened to her life in the short car ride there, I couldn't help but hurt for her. Life isn't fair, but Tina said it so perfectly: "you gotta work with the cards that you were dealt." When she climbed out of the car and thanked me, I responded, "It was nice to meet you Tina, and good luck with everything." She hesitated, and for a moment I saw light in a place of darkness. No one had ever remembered or cared to ask her name... She felt like a person for a second, not a beggar or a national parasite (as many ultra-conservative Americans might label). She was Tina, the beautiful creation of God, and I wanted her to feel that.

I may never see Tina again... Or maybe I will. Maybe on another hot day in July, I will have the privilege of hanging out with Tina again. I will ask about her life, and if things are better. I will rebuke all judgement. I will love her as Jesus did.

Mother Teresa chose to mingle with the destitute, depraved and diseased. To her, those words were selfish labels. She was in the presence of royalty: children of a righteous King, a gracious Ruler, and a holy Prince. "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." Let's call it the 7 minute challenge - How much time are you willing to give up in order to love people?? Answer: my life. Wholly. Completely. Surrendered.

It's called sacrifice... I once knew a guy who did the same thing for me. He lived a life in all knowledge that every day could be His last. He loved beyond time, and left the judging up to His Father.

.kristen.

humbled places.

So I have come to a realization of sorts this weekend. I'm selfish. I know what you're thinking: "Oh, wow, you just realized that?!" But the fact is, we should daily become aware of our humanness. Awareness brings about brokenness which allows true change. I am human, and I have failed yet again. I don't say that in a negative light. I say it in all confidence that in my weakness and depravity God is made known and made great.

I have been pouting for about a month now about the restlessness in my spirit. POUTING. Most God-fearing people beg to be restless! They beg for a dissatisfied soul, so they will adamantly pursue Christ in every moment. In "seeking" Christ and attempting to find my "right" path, I completely obliterate my faith and trust. It's not about forcing a vision and immediately blazing a trail; it's about listening and shifting perspective and patience.

I even push the Christians around me to preach a dangerous Gospel and live life without PRACTICAL inhibitions. And now here I am eating my words. I really must start paying attention to the words God sends out of my mouth. I clearly have that typical Christian listening problem. Nothing is simple, nothing is easy, nothing is practical. But regardless of the trials, the pain, the impossible, we have a God and a grace that abounds and surrounds. Life hurts, but God heals. Christians think when you give your life over to Christ that things dramatically shift towards perfection. This is not the case... In fact, our lives remain awfully imperfect, but there is Hope. The bad days come, all the same, but purpose protects and restores our heart.

I have decided to be the best disciple, the best youth director, the best daughter/sister, the best friend, the best mentor, the best counselor, the best coworker, the best lover, according to God's call and trajectory. Wherever I am, I am His. He says when, where and how... and I just make the BEST of it.

The pity party has officially ended.

-k10

Poppa's Lullaby

So lately Life has been giving me a hard time. I realize that most of the time Life has no concern for my well-being, or the many things I have going on, but instead chooses to bombard me at the most inopportune times. Especially, when things seem to be going "well." Life appears to be a calloused jerk, right? So what/who is this Life? Good question.

We oftentimes gauge how our life is going by the things happening in the world around us. The problem with that is we are told to align our lives with the eternal. Not to live with our head in the clouds, but to be conscience of God, who has control. As the world falls apart around us, we may find our faith and hope and joy stronger than ever. When the storms come it is better to submerse ourselves in all things spiritual, not all things physical and tangible.

"Life is love. Life is pain. Life is something WE can't take away. When Life's unbearable, we see God's light. But how can a light dry my eyes??" I wrote these lyrics for a dear sweet friend of mine who passed away long before her time. Mama Yoli. It speaks to the hurt that we feel in loss, but also speaks to the discomfort of faith during those times. We see encouragement in the Word and in God's workings, but all we really want is His embrace. We want to feel... consolation. Life, this world, our pain separates us from truly feeling.

Robert Rupert, my grandfather: a man of his word and a man of God's word. After battling bone cancer for over a year, he decided to finally back down. He now awaits the time that the Lord will call him home. It is a long, slow, excruciating wait. Patience is endangered. You get to a point where you don't want to lose him, but you despise the suffering endured. I found myself lost and torn. Death is something we rejoice in as Christians, but it never fails that we are terrified of it... No one really wants to die.

I wrote my grandfather a song. Just to express a little bit of what, I believe, my whole family is feeling. I had the opportunity to play it for him... I titled it: Poppa's Lullaby.

"Close your eyes,

Sleep a while,

And rest your soul.

In a place, where the grace

Overflows.

Close your eyes,

Sleep all night,

And know He's waiting.

For your heart, to embark

On this journey.

And the pain will fade,

When you find your true peace.

As you rest assured,

In your Savior's embrace.

And with arms wide open,

You will welcome us in.

On that day, we meet you there.

Green pastures, still waters,

In this valley I will walk.

But I will not fear,

For you are near

In my dark.

I am weary, heavy laden,

But He restores my soul.

And calls me home,

Into the whole of His heart.

You will fly on that day when He calls..."

Rest in Him,

kristen

If you would like to hear it: http://virb.com/krupertmusic

PCB, FL (Meltdown)

Have you ever just sat? Yes, sat. It requires patience, it requires discipline, & oftentimes it uses or requires the listening ear in you. I beg this question as I sit in the moonlight, taking in the cold, & meditate to the sound of the crashing waves. Harmony. Bliss. Heaven.

I can't help but think of life, creation. The beauty of it all. And yes, the beauty that I am accepting resides in me. I can't help but think of this past year. A seeming blur, a fleeting moment. But despite the busyness & work, God molded a new being. God likened me to Himself more than ever. Of course we will always be created in God's image, but there's a brilliance in the opportunity to grow & change every day if we just let Him in.

Gah, I can't get over the joy I feel when I am in awe of God's splendor. Darkness veils the horizon creating a vast continuous expanse between sky & sea. Eerie clouds creep across the sky, only masking the clarity of the constellations for a moment. Oh but the sounds: such power in the veritable "crashing." Where water meets land, two worlds collide. It's like the battle we have between our earthly lives & spiritual ones. A war so to speak. But no matter how hard the land tries - mountains will fall, sands will be shifted, and great canyons will be carved. God REIGNS! My prayer for this weekend is freedom. As inspiration taken from the sea, let's live unhindered by land. Push through; breakaway!

"Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life,
Is the very same voice that calls you now to rise."
                                             -Phil Wickham

We can only imagine. But no imagined thing would even come close.

Isaiah 55:8-9

Our lives can be ironically defined & understood by the unfathomable ways of God. Ponder that one for a while.

-Kristen

A bit o' my heart...

So it's really true... Reality has set in, and I discovered that I'm back in the states and back to work. I honestly had to hit the ground running. I went in to staff meeting on my day off, and decided to stick around for 2 more hours "to get some work done." What's the matter with me?! And now here I am attempting to keep myself awake at 9 pm to answer the 200 emails that I found lurking in my inbox as I returned home. Now at 9:07, I relieved myself for a minute to think... to remember.

Two days ago I was in South Africa. A lot of people talk about loving a place when they go there, but when I say love, I mean something completely different. I have never felt like I fit in, no matter where I have been. There was always something missing, someone telling me I was special, some restless feeling that wouldn't go away. This week was the first time that all those anxieties were quelled. People loved me for who I was, crazy or not. South Africa is a beautiful place, not just for its scenery, but because of the hearts of the people. Gorgeous. Beyond words, lovely.

So yes, I understand that it might be hard to live in America, especially if my heart resides in South Africa, and many a people have ruined their relationships, their opportunities, and inevitably their lives by setting their thoughts and minds in another place. But I won't make that same mistake. In another sense, there is no way that I can forget and no way that I can't miss the people, the places, the worship, the laughs, the hope, the love. God in His mysterious ways, created and ordained this opportunity. I now have clarity beyond anything I have ever experienced. It is holy.

South Africa, you hold a special place in my heart forever. And for now, jet lag is winning. Sleep is good.

-Kristen