ballad for the unemployed: plans

insomnia brings about the greatest thoughts... or so it seems. this is a ballad for the unemployed: woe is us. we want, we waste, and we wither. ok, i'm kidding, but seriously, who knew how hard all of this would be? i mean, yeah, God warned me and prepped me, but there's only so much words can do to describe real life. we learn that each and every day, when our words fall short to express how much we love someone. there was a part of me that hoped this would be better than what i had before. it's proving to be much of the same, just different.

my thoughts run to after Africa. i know we are to stay away from those regions, but my mind can't help but wander. what am i going to do? this has been asked of me at least 3 times this weekend. my answer: you tell me. i'm gonna wait. just like every other circumstance in my life, i will wait. seems that every fiber of me is waiting for something... like life is on pause or slow motion or something (and of course we lost the remote).

oftentimes, i wish God had just called me to simplicity. to normal. to redundant. go to school, get a job, get married, family, retirement, death... la de da. but then i give myself a nice big kick in the pants: this is what you prayed for Kristen. this is what you hoped for so long ago when you were young and you felt different. you felt called to something wild. literally and metaphorically. Africa was emblazoned on my heart so many years ago, undeniably. so there flew normalcy out the window...

it's not bad, it's just hard. it's hard to watch all my friends lead their normal, textbook lives, as mine appears to crumble and confuse. then i think about Paul. plans? what did he think his life was gonna look like, when all the sudden he was staring at a stone cold cell wall? how about when he was killing christians? did he think he would one day be the most influential writer in the new testament? plans... created things and yet so fleeting.

"A man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

who are we? human. so why do we try to orchestrate things anyways? have you looked around to see what we do to each other when left to our own devices? we destroy, degrade, deprave. so it would make sense to unload my life into the hands of a Being that can handle my epic failure. i'm done guessing. i'm done deciphering. i'm done deciding. i'm free and open and willing. heart, body, mind, and soul. God: make me, mold me, mature me... no more plans, only You.

k10 :)