Lovely death

i just started this new fantastic thing... reading. i have wayyy too much time on my hands, so i decided to catch up on all the books that i told myself i would read by now. i read "the shack" a couple of weeks ago, and just finished "redeeming love" this weekend.

i love the idea of love. it's so simple, yet so hard for us to understand. especially, unconditional love... everything in life, we live with conditions. if it rains - i'm taking a nap. if she does this - then i'm doing that. if i can't find a job - i will go back to school. everything is a stipulation of something else. so yeah, it's difficult to just be like, "what? oh, ok, just love me for no reason other than to love me." as someone who has come from what i would call a "hard knock life," i know that it is even harder to understand love. when you never had a human model to go by, then it never really existed in your life. i struggle believing that people let alone God could love me. anyone that has been hurt countless times by life, only knows what it means to be hurt.

you cannot love or change people, but God can. everything good comes first from Him. apart from Him, we are nothing, but destined to mess up. MESSY. but like i always conclude - the messier you are, the better. God can't fix something that isn't broken, or clean what isn't dirty. let him work through your clutter. the more you bring to the table, the more people God can impact, through you.

i have struggled with ways to tell people about God's love. i am not much into initiative evangelism. i feel that God has called me to be relational, so when i am able to talk about God, the person knows and trusts me. people don't care to hear that you think some man died on a cross for them. unless they are a Christian they will snub it off, and ask if they should start believing in David Blane. i was playing "underground church" with a bunch of middle school youth at Family Church 2 weeks ago, and i was in charge of keeping the prisoners in the jail. the idea is, all of these kids are in a place where they are thrown in jail or killed for being a Christian and worshipping God. if they are thrown in jail, their only way out is to convert me. the kids continually told me about the all-powerful God and Jesus, who died on a cross, but i realized after a short time that when these kids actually do have to convert someone, those words may have no weight. your life is Jesus. so tell me about your life. i turned the questions back on them, and made them share what Jesus had done in their life, personally. some of the responses from these middle schoolers astounded me. one boy even delved in to his REAL personal life. i was impressed. impression... credibility... trust.

so i have realized that this post is a jumbled mix of thoughts running around in my head. it's all this reading stuff - blowin' my mind. nevertheless, i will leave you with this. "lovely, even in death." i'm actually quoting myself. it's a picture caption on one of my facebook pictures. the picture is a flower, clearly wilted and dead, but its colors still vibrant. the morning dew creates a shimmering pattern across the withered petals. with a beautiful death, the flower produces seeds... produces life. if only people could look at the world through God's eyes. He paints a new picture every morning and dots the sky at night. His heart breaks for hungry children and tears fall for the widow. in their hurt, He sees healing. in death, He sees life. what a wonderful world it would be... it could be.

let it be.

.kristen.