South Africa - Departure

Pain is a humbling experience. As my back screams of accidents days ago, I can do nothing but whimper. So helpless to hurt's mighty reign: I pretend that everything is ok. Is this the state God wanted to send me to South Africa? Or have I given in to selfish desires & doomed myself? Africa needed all of me, & now I can only give a smaller portion that's not writhing in pain or blinded by it. My pain has become my distraction.

Maybe I needed a reminder of how human I am - spiritually & physically. Our bodies are weaker than our spirits, & I'm surely feeling that. So positive spin: in my weakness, He is made strong. So theoretically He could completely control my every move, thought, deed... that's if I give Him control. I envision myself fighting with God like a passenger might fight with a pilot to fly a plane. I have no idea how to fly, but I want to man the controls.

Wow, I am on my way to South Africa... A distant thought in my head years ago has finally become a remarkable reality. And what a blessing it is to be surrounded by my best friends all the while. My Revive family. Who ever really gets to do that?! The hum of the engines keeps me from believing that this is all a dream. 37,000 feet in the air, you can do nothing but reflect on how life has led you down this path. Well, how God has led me down this path. I think the sum of my feelings is a little bit of fear, a little bit of excitement & a lot of disbelief. You almost have to convince yourself that this is happening. God is a brilliant story-teller. Thank God, His steady hand has a firm grip on what is to come next.

Give me grace, give me hope, give me love. I am insufficient, but God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. Just yesterday I saw God's mighty face etched into the side of a snowy mountain. A beautiful & marvelous sight to be seen. Now as I glance out of this plane window, I see His mastery displayed in an ambient solemn layer of clouds. Peace is the only word that come to mind.

Pain is but a fleeting moment within an eternity of love & peace. Humility is a key to opening the door. He stands & knocks. Will I answer? Can I answer? Well, I don't think any of us ever "could." We aren't capable, but Christ is. So, can I? Yes, given that Christ overcomes me; lives through me; lives in me. We are but clay in the Potter's hands. Original masterpieces, fired to strengthen & purify.

God give me strength to endure & a heart to serve: in a world that needs a Savior.

Psalm 46:10

-Kristen

heart.

So I was thinking about the message for this Sunday at youth. We started a little series called Generation Revolution. Basically, it's some ideas pulled together, because over the years there are things I have realized that are completely necessary to understand in order to live your life like you want to in Christ. Last week we talked about attitude... the mind, and how to revolutionize it to be one with God. This week we are going to talk about heart...

When talking about your mind, you aren't necessarily talking about the organ that is your brain. We are talking about thought-processes and decision-making. So then, when we choose to talk about heart, to what are we referring?? Well, again, we are not talking about the physical organ, but instead your capacity to feel and love. It is how much you truly care.

A lot of us choose to use only a portion of our hearts or to just let our head decide. But a wise word that I remember hearing in high school was - "The farthest distance between you and God is 18 inches... the distance between your heart and your head." I was convicted this morning in an epiphany of sorts. I discovered that I limit the love in my life. I limit love in my life, because fear or doubt or deny. I oftentimes refuse love from someone else, and in turn destroy an opportunity for love to enter a hateful world. God surrounds and drowns us in love and grace... in everything. We choose whether or not we want to accept that. It is very hard to see Christ in moments of pain or strife, because we can't sense beyond our screaming minds. Christ chose to reside in our hearts (remember: our capacity to love and feel), because of this fact we should understand that our heart is the most powerful tool we have on this earth. Beyond just a powerful love... in our hearts resides the power of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

It is actually easier for us to be naive though, right? It rids you of responsibility or guilt. If you opt out of completely accepting, then you haven't truly accepted it yet... Yes, you have denied your own true Savior. It's not about getting bits and pieces of Jesus - it's about being made whole. James talks about this in reference to laws, "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." It is an everyday thing... an every morning thing... an every second thing. Perfection is not required. Surrender is.

I just started reading "The Hole in Our Gospel." How simple is our call? SIMPLE. There's no denying that. The thoughts in our head are complicated, not the message that God has clearly laid out for us. Love Him, and therefore love people. I say "therefore," because it is impossible to love God and not automatically and naturally begin your love and passion for humanity.

Quit living in the dream world inside your head. There's a hurting world around you begging for you to love it. Go. Live. Heart.

Kristen.

The Inglorious Life of a Youth Director

Not but 10 minutes ago, I was drowning my hands in at least 500 pounds of rotten pumpkin... In that moment, I had a thought: "I love my job." Not what you expected, right?? The life of a youth director is far from glorious. It is sometimes referred to as the hardest ministry position there is. Ignorance would lead us to believe that during our time of service hands will stay clean, and roads will remain unblocked. But this is far from the reality. You will find yourself wallowing in a perpetual mess and fighting an inevitable war with traditions and hearsay.

I don't say these things to rag on one church or deter anyone from taking a position in youth ministry or any ministry affiliate. I simply say these things to explain my leading statement. Burying my hands in a mush of rot wasn't included in my job description. Loading a shopping cart full of festering pumpkins outside the church office, people passed without saying a word. Not that I expected them to say a word, but there was an unspoken apology in their quick glances. In my brief time spent as a youth director, I have realized how much I need God, and how necessary it is to ask for help. I have realized that no question I will have to deal with those situations that everyone tries to avoid. I have realized that the most broken and sometimes self-destructive people are the ones that come searching for love. And it is not my job to turn them away.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, hands down. When I tell people that, they are often surprised. It is also not my job to complain... maybe, that's where the surprise comes. Jesus did those jobs that people didn't want to do, taking great care to do them well. I think of when He washes the disciples feet... How gross. But how utterly selfless. Visiting with lepers... We have a hard time hanging out with people that have hygiene issues, no less flesh eating diseases. I wish I could say that I am that strong, but there are times that I ignore, avoid, whine, and cry. Perfection is not my strong suit. It's not supposed to be. Lucky for us, we are all on the same level and imperfect playing field.

I thank God for my triumphs, my failures, and my rotten pumpkins. It is all here to glorify Him, and therefore becomes my joy. Life would be worth living if we just thought past ourselves. However inglorious, I feel dignified and honored to be serving in the capacity that I do in ministry. If everything was easy, lessons would remain unlearned and people would remain unreachable. Serve outside your limited parameters, and who knows, you might find yourself in a marvelous state of dependence. Dependence on the Almighty, who through grace, redeems and frees. Love in its original form...

Make a mess. Grow a ministry. Love a nation.

-k10

it's something about surfing...

It's something about surfing that just gives me life. I was at the beach today for the first Revive 2010 meeting and happened to go surfing with a friend. We began discussing this concept of surfing, and it's relation to our joy. It is just wonderful to be out in the gulf, experiencing God's glory displayed in innumerably profound ways and not thinking about anything else. You can just feel God in His ultimate power. He's just out there... in the push behind the wave... in the perfect way the sun creeps across the sky... in the depths below where fish nibble your toes and jellies show no mercy... in the baking sand on shore where the tops of shells peak out from their burial grounds... in the sun's beaming reflection on the surface, so you can't tell where the sky ends and the water begins... in the colors of the sunset and the glow of the moon... in the clouds that simply project the sun's artistry and the water's clarity... in the peaceful yet powerful crash of a wave on shore, when the sun has left the sky and you can see no more... I can't get enough of it.

I love not thinking. In some situations "not thinking" is definitely the wrong way to go about getting things done, but clearing my mind has always been my key to discernment and epiphany. The world just disappears. You get lost in the beauty and power of the Lord displayed all around you. Exhaustion sets in, and yet you continue to push yourself for that one last ride. One last wave. One last chance to vacate your mind. One last encounter. One last hope.

Lack of thought had never been so productive until I started surfing. Just a thought... =)

.k10.

in light of life

This Sunday was like any old Sunday... nothing noticeably different other than the fact that I had to eat jelly on my waffles instead of syrup. I arrived at church and taught Sunday school to the middle school girls, and then moseyed on over to the contemporary service. There I saw a few familiar faces, and began to greet them as I do every Sunday morning. Like I said, nothing out of the ordinary. But then God truly humbled me...

I was talking to one of our boys who hasn't been involved in anything youthwise this summer, because of football. My last Wednesday here at Spanish Fort is this week, and it was a simple question: "Are you going to be there?" He turns to me, and to my surprise, says yes!! I honestly was making sure not to build up my hope to be let down by his answer, but this is not what I expected to hear. I immediately fire back with a counter, claiming he has football practice; like i know better than he does. I hear a couple random coughs from the people around us, clearly trying to hint at something, and he turns to me. I will never forget his answer:

"Well Kristen, I'm going to quit football today. I have gone to the hospital three times for that team, and I won't do it again. I don't love football, I love God, and I love being able to do stuff with the church. Without football in the way, I can actually be involved."

My response: tears. I could do nothing else. He began crying with me. I was truly inspired by his words and his commitment. He gets it. If God had brought me here this summer to hear nothing else but those words, it would've been worth it. This city doesn't get it. These kids don't get it. It's about sports and competition... it's never about God or relationship. For once I had heard someone sacrifice their own agenda to fulfill God's mission in their life. I have spent my summer begging kids to come to youth and come to camp with the same old response - I have this sport, this practice, this vacation. I just wish people could get it. I wish that parents would instill great values, not great expectations. This Sunday I had caught a glimpse of heaven, a glimmer of hope for a church lost in worldly desires and mindsets. A lot of times the youth group is the breath and life of a church... I hope that Remedy Youth can do more than inspire - I hope they can change the face of Spanish Fort.

What do you love? God? Well, then maybe you should shift your priorities.

-k10

Coffee will be the death of me...

So it is now 2:54 am... I found myself wide-eyed and terrified about 20 minutes ago wondering what could be wrong with me. My heart was racing, and the harder I tried to think of nothing and fall asleep, the more I became confused and light-headed. Suddenly it hit me - I had 2 diet cokes and 2 cups of coffee at about 10:30 pm, and not a whole lot of food to counteract that intense amount of caffeine. So in light of my discovery, I stumbled upstairs to raid the pantry. I ate a hodge-podge of food including guacamole chips, cinnamon toast crunch, oreos, mountain trail mix, and candy. Basically, whatever I could get my hands on. I now am waiting, hoping, and praying that I can relax, and get at least 5 hours of sleep. I figured it would be good to release my thoughts while I wait, so here it goes...

Tonight I was able to speak at youth. The topic that I spoke on is very near and dear to my heart. Brokenness. It is such a valuable idea in the realm of Christianity, but very few truly understand it's significance. Those who do realize its importance, truly find life. We must be broken and vulnerable before God can act on our hearts. We have to reveal those innermost places; break down those sin walls that surround our hearts. If you have ever been to a place of utter hurt, need, or despair, and found yourself crying out to God, that is brokenness. It is not a matter of being weak, but a matter of letting God be strong.

Humility is the key to brokenness. None of us are humble... let's be real. So it is hard for us to ever really break down. We HAVE to let our guard down. The world tells us to be the first, the best, the greatest, the toughest, and the strongest. But what does God tell us?? Yes, that's right, He tells us to be the opposite. The Bible is littered with paradoxes that perplex the mind, but calm the heart. God calls us to be who we are. That's not scary. It's just real. And we are afraid of real. We like to fake things and act like we're ok, and essentially "perfect" ourselves so no one can see the hurts or find the faults. Well, the author and perfecter of our faith wants to make whole what is entirely broken. He cannot fix and restore what is not already broken.

So come to the Lord, as you are. Beautiful in your brokenness... Strong in your weakness. God wants the rough, original, genuine you. Not that somebody you think is you, that has a no problems, no tears, and no fears. In Exodus 20, God gave Moses the ten commandments and not long after told him to build an alter. But not just any alter, an alter built of only the roughest stones. He commanded that no tools touch the stones, lest they defile it. This is what I mean... don't fake it, don't fix yourself, don't bring that shielded heart to the alter. Bring the roughest you got. Bring the dirt and the destitution... bring the pain and the pride. Lay it down at the alter. Originally His.

Brokenness hurts. The Lord does not cause us pain, but rooting out all the mess causes the pain. To remove a thorn, you must actually decide to remove it. It doesn't feel good to do so, but once it's done healing can begin. I read a story to the kids tonight about a shepherd and his sheep. Sometimes to teach a lesson to a sheep and shepherd must break the sheep's leg. It sounds very cruel and unusual, but this sheep could very well lead the entire flock astray, because sheep are very dull animals. In fact, they have the smallest brain to body ratio of any animal... just so you know. The shepherd doesn't break the sheep's leg and then move on, he tends to the sheep night and day, feeding it from his hand, and watering it from his flask. He shows the sheep the right ways, and soon enough the sheep has forgotten that this same shepherd broke its leg. Once the sheep is healed it can return to the flock, better than before, smarter than before. The sheep can now lead the flock and impart the learned lessons. In the same way God is our shepherd...

He doesn't want to hurt us, but He wants to make right what is wrong. He wants to rid us of the pain and the suffering inside. There is always hurt before healing. Breakdown before the Lord. Let the pieces of your life be an offering, pleasing to the Lord. Brokenness is the beginning - it all starts with a broken and contrite heart. Then and only then can the Lord begin His work on you.

Time to try for Round 2 on the whole sleeping thing...

-k10

Too busy to even know.

This summer has really been a blur. Not that I've had enough time to even realize... It all began with a trip to Cocoa Beach with a turn around of one night, I was on my way to Dallas. Once back in Gainesville, it was one night and I was in Pensacola for an interview and then Spanish Fort the next day to report for work. As you can imagine I just took my first breath in 4 weeks, and it was refreshing. This week has been a little slow, and of course "slow" is relative. If you know me well enough, slow is just under ridiculous. I love the challenge of constantly going and doing. Never to a point of exhaustion, but definitely to a point where I have to depend on God.

It was easy to jump back into working with the youth, and pick up right where with left off with our relationships. I have already seen growth and improvement in less than one month, and it's very encouraging. I really love it here. In so many ways, I know the two summers that I have spent here were not coincidence, and definitely not just "work." To facilitate spiritual growth is impossible apart from Christ, so you can imagine that I really have to focus on not only pouring into these youth, but pouring into my own relationship with God.

The Cockrell's are definitely my home away from home. I couldn't ask for a better family to be taking me in for the second summer in a row. They feed me, pray with me, hang out with me, and just welcome me. It's beyond hospitality, honestly.

I started this whole reading thing this summer too... it's been great. I'm actually reading 3 books right now. Well, 3 books, the Bible, and a study. Pretty impressive to go from no books to A LOT of books. I graduated college barely reading, so why now?? I was never very good at the whole quiet time thing either, and this has kind of challenged me to do so. I have to earn reading my other books by delving into the Word. It makes everything so much more rewarding.

Tonight we had a family youth pool party at one of the neighborhood pools. We didn't know what to expect. We actually didn't even expect a very big crowd... not to be pessimistic, but just to be realistic. Well, God definitely humbled us. So many kids and their families came. And a lot of youth that have kind of been disconnected so far this summer. I am just basking in utter exhaustion and joy. I hope this summer can be renewal, restoration, and refreshment for Remedy Youth. Can't wait for what God has in store, and can't wait for changed lives and a new fire for life. Tough summer? Bring it on.

night... k10

In a voicemail...

So I decided to take a nap today. Problem... the nap started at 7 pm. I ended up waking up at 11:30 and here I am writing in my blog. I realized I had missed a few calls, so I checked my voicemail. One message was from my dad... "Hey, just calling to check on you. Take that job. Call me back." With this message, I realized that I don't get to choose who my parents are. I didn't get to choose where I lived for the first 18 years of my life (plus the four in college that my parents PAID for - let's just say my whole life then). And because of my situation now, I don't get to necessarily choose my future. Through one threat from my mom, I feel I am stuck. I have never felt the pain of having clipped wings, but I sure have felt the captivity.

For once in my life, I am not so upset and angry that my parents are the way that they are, and my life happened the way that it happened. Gah, for weeks I have been listening to Paul and Ronnie talk about relationships with our parents, and I continued to turn a deaf ear... but that's where it all starts. If you can't love and respect them, how do you expect to do unto others? I must play the hand of cards I'm dealt. Many a poker player have won a hand on a bluff, but none of them have ever won by folding every time. Yeah ok, so life isn't what I thought it should be. Does that make it wrong or unfair? No. What's unfair is the gift of grace and the reward of freedom.

God gave us parents for a reason. Sometimes we question those reasons, especially when your parents refuse to believe like you do. But nevertheless, they love you. Dysfunction plagues my family, but one thing I know is true - love is there. Within that darkness and pain, there resides love. Maybe it's a glimmer; a fleeting hope, but it's there. I'm not one to have decisions made for me... never have been. But sometimes I must humble myself to truly see... an answer that has been set before me. Take it or leave it, we will still be the same. But our hearts will change.

.k10.

clarity.

"I worry, I weigh three times my body 
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain 
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's 

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to"  

-John Mayer

Who ever thought that I would find myself quoting John Mayer on my blog? Random. Nevertheless, I find so much truth in his lyrics. Clarity is something so fleeting. It comes and go, but that's how it is meant to be. Undeniable and continuous clarity is impossible to achieve on this earth. It is eternal. You must seek God to find your clarity. With clarity though, comes peace. And with clarity comes reward. How great does it feel when you know you are doing something right?

Clarity is fleeting... I believe God made it so. The longer it takes you to trust Him and follow when He calls, the less He will entrust you. In the Bible, Jesus didn't wait around when He told people to follow Him. It was a now or never sort of thing. I think we could learn a lot from this example. Now or never. Which do you prefer?

Why am I so enthralled by clarity? Well, I have the opportunity to be the youth pastor of a church. Yes, the actual youth pastor. It's frightening, I know. In this time of my life though, it felt impossible to know what God really wanted. Lucky for me though, I finally decided to seek Christ. I guess it's not really luck, it's more like obvious logic. For weeks I have claimed to be "seeking Christ," but just a few days ago realized I was merely seeking answers. Christ is not answers. He is love. He is grace. He is the way and technically THE answer. I needed to seek His face and His character before I would be granted the clarity I so desired. It's not a hard task; it's just the difference in saying and doing. Like those times you say, "yeah, I'll pray about that." Well, this time I actually prayed. Easy? Yes. Do you always get unquestionable clarity? No. But that just means God wants to grow and prepare you more. Or hey, being entrusted with a decision is a huge undertaking, and if God is grating you the gift of choice, by all means - CHOOSE!

For now I feel that God has brought to me a moment of unclouded thoughts and unscaled eyes. One of the first times in my life, I have been granted this wonderful gift. Good things come to those who wait. Good things come to those who seek. And good things come to those in God's time. Man, He is GOOD.

k10

Proverbs 16:9

However much I don't want to 

admit it, I have a lot to learn. If my mom knew how to work a computer and somehow discovered the mechanics of the internet, and then read my previous sentence, she would either be proud or would just die from shock. 

I have been reading this book by A.J. Jacobs called "The Year of Living Biblically." I highly recommend it... but I only referenced that book to talk about one of his other books called "Know-It-All." I have never read it, but my mom and closest friends would definitely say I wrote it. He reads the entire Encyclopedia Britannica in an effort to legitimately become a scholar-proclaimed know-it-all (as opposed to self-proclaimed). Over the past few days, I have settled back in to Spanish Fort and my usual dwelling, and frightfully enough I have too much time to think. In this case though, I feel my thinking is really paying off. With most normal people, thinking would always pay-off, but with me there is a lot of illegitimate mental activity, which leads to know-it-allism and over-thinking. In my short time back here in Spanish Fort, I have deduced that I can no longer really know ANYTHING. 

In sixth months time, I have been riding a spiritual and emotional roller-coaster. Everything that should have happened didn't happen (or at least didn't happen in a timely fashion) and everything that I thought would never happen, definitely did. All that said, I have been trusting the world and people with my time and effort. God knows I learn lessons the hard way, so patience has been an on-going curriculum in my life. I could safely say that's the case for at least 90% of Americans. I JUST WANT TO KNOW!! If there are five open doors God, which one do I choose?? If there are no open doors God, do I force one open?? Is there a key?? Do you think I may have gone too far with this metaphor?? Well, you catch my drift... 

Opportunities have come and gone. Some opportunities seem inviting on the outside, but with further observation, it's clear that God would not want me there. Geeeeez, so what do I do?? Wait? That word sucks. I hate waiting for my Pop-tarts to toast, let alone waiting for my life to play out. But you know what... cold Pop-tarts suck. Just think of the difference three minutes can make. Warm and ooie gooie or cold and hard. If we wait and hold out for the right moment, the right job, the right guy, everything is warm and ooie gooie... metaphorically speaking. But yeah, that involves waiting.

In times like this I always go back to this verse I found in Proverbs three years ago. The story is: I had read Proverbs about five times; I love it. But never before had this verse stuck-out to me... It was just the right day, the right time, the right mindset. 

"The man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:9

How many times have you tried to plan your own course and then shoved God aside, and said, hey let me determine those steps too. The Lord allows us the opportunity to dream and envision a life for ourselves, aka - the course. But the Lord will guide the steps. Without His guidance, we end up in briars somewhere, way away from the flock. I think it's one of Andy Stanley's sermons from Northpointe that talks about the "bypass." Yeah, awesome, it looks shorter, but God is definitely telling you to go the long way. Well, surely God wouldn't take me the long way!! I'm going to take the bypass... What happens?? You end up in traffic, there's a toll, and it takes more time and aggravation to get to the same destination. Sometimes it might be faster, but it's not less frustrating. God has YOUR best intentions in mind, never forget that.

Sadly, this mindless rambling helps me gather my thoughts... now isn't that a paradox. Continue to pray for me as I seek to find where God truly wants me. Mmmmm, warm Pop-tarts. Remember.

k10    

the ranch

Well, I graduated from college. Yep. It's real. It's real life and it's real scary (really, for those of you who are English majors and are very annoyed when people remove the -ly from adverbs). I know I talk a lot about reflecting on my life, but I am legitimately at the pinnacle point of life reflection. I also am at one of the most breathtakingly gorgeous places I have ever seen (well, it at least ranks in the top ten). It is a ranch in Sherman, TX, near Dallas. The green rolling hills, the still pristine lakes, the muddy 4-wheeler trails, the vast expanse of blue sky, the solemn chapel, the beautiful songs of local birds, the cross - dressed in white - atop the highest peak, a blanket of clouds only allowing the sun's rays to peek through... peace in all its splendor. It's easy to think around here. You just can't help it.

Today we arrived and immediately hopped on 4-wheelers. It was amazing to just ride free in the hills: the mud slapping my face, the thrill of a wide-open engine, and the adrenaline rush as I took a turn going 30 mph, the ground threatening to claim my fall. I haven't felt that way in a long time... I used to feel that way every time I caught a great wave, but it's been a while since I have gone surfing. I consider reckless 4-wheeler driving a blessing from God. My point in writing tonight wasn't to talk about my ATV adventures, but instead to talk about how God is working in my life...

After all of us got back to the house from our escapades, I decided to go for a run. While riding around we discovered that one of the higher peaks had a beautiful vintage 

wooden cross overlooking the countryside. It was adorned with a white sheet and a crown of thorns. The view from this height was absolutely astounding. In light of this, I was going to trek up to that hillside in particular and ponder. I knew this journey was most likely going to be difficult, specifically remembering my 4-wheeler struggling up a lot of the hillsides, but nevertheless I was up for the challenge.

A few minutes into my run, I realized how ridiculous an idea this was. Panting, I made it up the first "mountain." Two more to go. It was a grueling hike up the second, but I finally made it to the third and most wanted hill after 15 minutes of sheer pain. The cross was in sight at this point. I began my ascent, and just as I suspected, my body began begging me to quit. Eyes fixed on the cross and my goal, I carried on. Half way there... A few more yards... A few more feet... Finished. In high school, I ran cross country, and usually about 2 miles into the race, you get to the "quitting" point. Basically, it's that point where you have absolutely no energy left and your mind can choose to overpower your physical self to continue on and finish the race, or you can just give in to what your body is telling you. I love mind over matter - it's symbolic to conquering the flesh. If I got to the point where my mind was having a hard time convincing my body, I would picture the cross, the crucifixion, the agony, Christ's death. I know it seems morbid, but the cross was meant to remind us and to encourage us. He endured so much more on the cross; I can finish this race.

So as I approach the cross, relief spreads over my body as I feel the ground level out. I did it. I'm not one to stop and smell the roses during a run, so it was strange that I just felt the need to stop and stare. Hands on my hips, examining the earth down below, I felt like the king of the 

world (or at least like Simba in reference to a conversation with Mufasa - "everything the light touches"). I sat down in front of the cross and comfort permeated. I rested my head on a nice patch of grass and closed my eyes. I have never felt so relaxed in my life. I'm beginning to think that God knew exactly what I needed. A vacation. Not just to get out of town, but to get out of life, get out of thought, get out of expectations... I couldn't help but think of the symbolism in all of this. Pressing on toward our goal (the cross) might be a hard and painful task. Relief comes when we reach the top. There we find ultimate peace and unmatched beauty. There we bask in glory. Not our own, but His glory.

I know in my time of reflection and change, I doubt, fear, and run. I hope that I can stop looking for answers to questions I already know, and rest assured. Literally, rest. Stop and smell the roses once in a while - it might bring you peace beyond your understanding.

.kristen.   

America the Bountiful

As I woke up this morning, knowing that it was time to leave Mexico... I couldn't help but feel heavy. There was so much that I had left to do, and so much more that I wanted to learn. You cannot squeeze it all out in one week. It was hard enough to say goodbye to one of my best friends.

Right now, I sit in reflection... Reflection on where God has brought me in the past few years and where He is taking me. Who ever thought that three years ago, when I helped found a Christian sorority, I would be here right now finishing a mission trip in Mexico, leading worship, and graduating from COLLEGE... Patience is my strength right now. I think one of the greatest lessons I learned here is that I AM BLESSED. No maybe I'm not as blessed as the next American, but in this world I am truly blessed and have so much left to give!! 

I am so thankful for the people that God has put in my life. Especially, Caroline Burns - I know this is a blog shout-out, and those are supposedly uncool, but for her, it's worth it!! I would not be where I am today without her help and encouragement. She challenged me to pursue God in bigger ways than I could have ever imagined on my own. She's made me laugh, made me cry, made me angry, and made me ultimately happy. She is a blessing from the Lord, and I knew the moment I met her that God ordained for us to be great friends. From sand at the foot of my bed to skating in the stadium to jumping in the back of a minivan with her cousin and a large mattress after getting my car towed to stripping down to nothing in the FSU stadium parking lot to SEC Saturdays to cappuccino fudge blitz ice cream to diet coke with lime to chocolate chip pancakes to an undying love for the beach and for surfing to Pace, FL and the death of Monte to a surprise party that I didn't want to go to ("If I lay here!!") to Lindsey Soulis' birthday barrage in the Estates parking lot to creating a Christian sorority to mission tripping in Mexico and getting to see her to never-ending stress to undying love to unending friendship. Hey can we start a nonprofit together in some country?? OK, awesome... Meet you there. Thank you Caroline... Jesus Christ truly shines in your life.

On the plane ride back, I decided to write a song. It was my first time writing lyrics before writing music. A challenging feat, but rewarding nonetheless. You can check out the song on my music MySpace - http://www.myspace.com/kristenrupert

"Carry You Home"

By: Kristen Rupert

V1: The earth is stirring

The clouds rebirthing

The colors flatter the sky

The mist is clearing

The dew revealing

The sun is blazing on high

C: Where do you come from

And where do you go?

Anew day is dawning

To carry you home

Just open your heart, yeah

Open your eyes

And follow the glorious light

To carry you home

V2: The mountains will fall

The waves they will call

The sound will bring you glory

The ocean's churning

The world keeps turning

The brightness will finally appear

B: Nations will come to your light

And kings to the brightness

**The song is based from Isaiah 60:3, which became my life verse after last year's trip to Mexico. It says, "Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn." I love the idea of a new day, a new hope, and a new life. We can have that in Jesus Christ, even if we are in the poorest conditions in Mexico. Light will shine into the darkness. We are a light unto the world... never let it fade.**

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kristen  

Day Six: Douglas (cont.)

Well, today was our last work day in Mexico. It's always so bittersweet, because you knew it was coming, but it's still hard. I will never forget this week, and i know when I get back to the states i will have a whole new outlook on life.

We began the day with breakfast as usual, and then we were told what we would be doing. We were going back to Douglas. In the morning, we were planning on doing a few work projects and then once the kids got home from school, we would be having a cookout. It was going to be much less stressful than the day before with the 8 hour babysitting job.

We arrived at the children's home and split up to do our projects. Jenna and Kendra jumped on board to make a picnic table and a bench. Back2Back ministries helps the children's homes become self-sustaining, by creating businesses for them on their campuses. Douglas has a garden/wood-working business, so they were helping to build some of the orders that had come in for yard furniture. The rest of us headed over to one of the boy's dorms to paint the walls. We had to stack the beds on top of one another to get to all the walls. I helped with the cutting in near the floor and then at 11:30 am, Jessie and I headed out to start grilling hot dogs. Once the charcoal was hot and while Jessie grilled, I went in with Todd (the Executive Director of Back2Back) to set-up the kitchen. All the older kids and caretakers had gone to the burial for Francisco in the morning, so we were going to have to pick up the kids from school, and then we would be cooking out for EVERYONE. Picking the kids up was not a big deal though, since the school was just a walk up the hill.

Once the charcoal was started and hot dogs were grilling, we headed up to the school to get the kids. They were so excited to see us!! It was very awesome to be able to spend three separate days with these children. We were definitely forming relationships with them, and they knew our names and faces. We picked them up and walked them back to their dorms where they changed into play clothes and dropped off their backpacks. Excited about the day ahead, all the children piled into the Comedor for lunch. All the caretakers returned from the burial and it was time to feed all 100 people!!

We made soooo many hot dogs, but there was no problem getting rid of all of them. I really have never seen people so excited about hot dogs in my life. Honestly, though, I was excited about them, because I was so hungry!! After lunch all of the kids went out to play or do their homework. We had a period where we had to clean-up and then set-up for a movie that we were going to watch. Fantastic 4, the sequel in Spanish!! I hadn't even seen the first one in English, let alone the second, and now I was going to see the second in Spanish!! We arranged the Comedor like a theater centered around the huge projector screen that was up. We also had popcorn to pass out, just like a real movie!!

We started the movie at 2:30 pm, and the kids loooooved it. So did the caretakers. It was really cool to provide something like that for them... They never get to go to movies, so this was definitely a treat. I sat with Tere, and 18 girl who has lived at Douglas her whole life. She is the sister of Monica, who had her Quincinera the first day we were in Mexico. Tere has the biggest heart of any person I have ever met. When the movie first started she made me sit down next to her, and she rubbed my back for around 30 minutes. I told her over and over again that she didn't have to do that, but she insisted that I rest my head on the table, and she would continue to rub my back. I was totally humbled!! I wanted to just be like, "I'm supposed to be helping YOU!!"

After the movie was over, it was just time to get the kids inside to do their homework and time to clean up. We were leaving at 5 pm, so we only had about 30 minutes to clean and say our goodbyes. Liliana, the girl that I had danced with last night came up to the chapel with us. The chapel at Douglas is an awesome open area at the top of a sort of mountain. Once you get to the top, it's beautiful. You can truly feel God as you look out over the mountain range. We slid down the huge cement slide, said our goodbyes, and walked back to the property.

Once we got back, we took showers, debriefed, and left for dinner at Tacos Fede. It was amazing. A lot of the younger staff got to go with us, so it ended up being a great group of people. Shane and Bill from University of Miami Ohio also surprised us with Theta Alpha t-shirts that they had made. It was hilarious. After dinner, we headed over to this awesomely cheap ice cream place and stuffed ourselves even further.

After a great dinner and dessert we headed back to the property and finished recording the Live in Mexico CD. I had a bunch of people sing with me on Amazing Grace for the last track. Jessie and I stayed up with Caroline until about 3 am to finally get everything finalized and burned. Since we have to be up by 5 am, you can imagine that I did not get much sleep!! It was a great last day in Mexico... I wish I could stay.

.kristen.

PS - Check out my Music MySpace for the CD!! - http://www.myspace.com/kristenrupert

Day Six: love one another (cont.)

LGLP - love God, love people.

The simplest way to understand your mission. Love has its own language and needs no definition. Love sometimes is the only way you can explain something and rarely do you need words. The Bible puts it this way in 1st John 4:7-21...

Gods Love and Ours

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother."

God's love... then ours. I love the title of this section of 1 John 4. Pretty much sums up the whoooole concept. God's Love and Ours - He loved us first, so that we can understand and love second. Let God love through you. We are not loving apart from Him. God is love, God in us, love in us. So with a true relationship with God, you are not without love. Therefore, you in turn love people. If you choose not to love people, then God's true love is not inside you. Powerful, right?? How many times have you chosen not to love someone?? I know I have been guilty of that, A LOT. Well, those are the moments you deny Christ and reject His relationship and grace. There is abounding love in us as God abides in us... DO NOT rely on yourself!! Let the author of love use you. He understands far more than you ever could.

Today is our last day of work. I hope that we can share just a little bit more with these kids before we have to leave. However much we felt like we were going to teach them, they taught us, two-fold.

-k10

Day Five: Douglas (flexico Mexico)

So our plan for the day was to actually go to a children's home called Betesda. Wellll, seeing as we are in Mexico, as everyone at Back2Back would say - time to be FLEXICO MEXICO!!

The morning began with a concrete pour at the Back2Back property with the Michigan State group. I ended up shoveling gravel and dirt into the concrete mixer for 2 hours. There were groups running wheelbarrows, lifting buckets on scaffolding, pouring concrete, and more. However hard it was, it was that much more rewarding. This was something that we could see instant results as the concrete was being poured to create more staff housing. It was also very rewarding to work along side the Michigan State group. They are a great group.

After the concrete pour, the market was opened for us to buy souvenirs and whatnot. We then proceeded to have lunch and get our debriefing on what we would be doing that day. Change of plans:

One of the encargadas (caretakers) at Douglas children's home suddenly died. Douglas was one of the children's homes I was able to serve at last year, so I was excited to be able to see these kids multiple times within the week. The home was also located about a mile from the Back2Back property. We basically became babysitters for the day. All of the other encargadas wanted to attend the funeral for Fransisco who had passed away, but they needed someone to watch the kids. Twelve of us versus sixty of them... we knew it was going to be interesting.

As soon as we arrived the kids were clearly excited. It was one of the first times that they knew they would be able to be kids without the constant direction of their caretakers. The weather suddenly turned to about 45 degrees and rainy, so we attempted to keep the kids inside or at least layered as much as possible. First, we watched a movie with all the kids in the pavilion outside. Yes, it was freezing. I loved when a child would sit on my lap, not only for the love and joy that they would bring, but for their warmth!! After the movie, we played with crafts and attempted to help the children with their homework. We took them into the comedor, which is their big kitchen/community area. One of the boys Iliud was distraught because he couldn't find a pencil. Through a lot of searching, I was able to find him not only a pencil, but a mechanical one. He was first of all stoked to be using a mechanical pencil, but second of all, stoked to be able to finish his homework and move on to the fun. Once he completely finished, he handed me back the pencil, and while smiling, told me to wait for him there, and left the comedor. He just wanted to go drop his backpack off in his room, and came back to grab some stickers and a coloring book like all the other kids.

After a while, Caroline, Jessie, and I were on grill duty. We were planning on cooking out for the kids starting at 4:30 pm, eating at 6:30 pm. They don't get much variety, let alone food, in their diet, so it is always fun to serve these kids something new. It's almost like taking them to a very fancy restaurant. Even though it was raining we stuck it out and grilled the food, taking turns flipping the chicken patties and holding the lid over the grill to protect the food from the rain. We assembled the sandwiches and almost right on time, we were serving the kids dinner. Once they ate we had to clean up and then take all of the kids to their dorms. Girls and boys separately. We attempted to do a little picture framing craft with the girls. They never really have photos ever, so it was a lot of fun to take Polaroids of them, and let them keep that picture along with a frame.

Liliana, a girl that I met last year was in the girl's dorm that I was in doing crafts. She was kind of dancing around the room and I asked her if she liked to dance. She said yes and before I knew it, she and I were dancing around the room like fools. It was glorious. I never thought that I would be able to pour into the lives of the same children year to year. It was just awesome to see how well she is doing a year later and a year older. I know that she will be OK with the care that has been given to her.

At this point, we had been babysitting for 8 hours. Some of the Back2Back staff came to relieve us of our duties. It was late and dark and they wanted us back at the property for safety reasons. We got back and realized how long and crazy of a day it had been!! Concrete pour in the AM and then enormous babysitting job in the PM. We were all exhausted... but there is always still energy to record!! I recorded a few tracks for the CD and then went off to bed. However crazy the day had been with sixty wildly awesome children running around, it was a wonderful day... flexico Mexico style.

-Kristen

Day Five: submit to one another

Submission: We always attribute negativity to this word. In fact, it is a command completely. It's not about your ideas or opinions on submitting, but it is about a general yet specific calling. Ephesians 5:21 tells us to "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

America is about ambition and about drive... not about submission and humility. The world tells us to push so hard to win and to push people out of the way if we have to. God tells us different - He says to put your own agenda aside and put your neighbor before yourself. Serve them and you will be served. It seems impossible to imagine a life lived without thinking about yourself for once. Prime example: Jesus Christ. His full and utter submission to first God and then people made Him the true Messiah. Submitting is not so much about giving something up as it is about gaining everything.

Submit to God, your life... gain a kingdom. Submit to people, your service... gain a friend. The world would call us weak or wimpy for laying down our lives, but God has shown us that it is the ultimate representation of love and sacrifice. The ultimate representation of grace.

.kristen.

Day Four: El Rio

Today was by far, one of my favorites... EVER. We had breakfast like usual and then left around 10 am for El Rio (the river). El Rio is a squatters village along a river on the outskirts of Monterrey, Mexico. The people who live there have next to nothing. Everything that they do have is either stolen, found, or pirated. It is not uncommon to see houses made of cardboard and plastic. Last year, I was able to serve the people in the Cadareta, which is just an extension from El Rio. The government forced people to move off of the river so that they could use the land for commercial purposes, promising the people cinder blocks and food. But when everyone finally got to the place the government wanted them to move, they received nothing.

El Rio is a special place. At one point, while walking down the cliff side by the homes I turned to Jenna and said, "You don't really believe it, 'til you see it." However cliche that statement is, it's very true. You don't really believe the amount of poverty until you truly are immersed in it. This part of the river is call MeMe's Rio. MeMe is a little Mexican woman who has been working with Back2Back for years. She left the property a few years ago to live full-time with the people at El Rio. She and her husband had been ministering to the people there and had built a small pavilion to house a soup kitchen and eventually a church. Back in May, MeMe's husband died in a horseback riding accident and left MeMe alone to continue their ministry. Even through her hardship, she has not quit. She wants to build on to the pavilion and have a kitchen, bathroom, and church. Her dreams are huge, as well as her heart, and God will see that her vision is made into reality.
We knew we would be serving lunch to the people, working on some labor projects, and praying over the whole area. First things first, we were able to walk out through the village and personally invite the people out to lunch and to receive donations. Most of the people we saw were women and children, and many welcomed us each individually with smiling faces and gracious handshakes. If there are men around they are very standoffish or actually have jobs that do not end until the sun goes down. One woman in particular was very bubbly and her daughter was actually deaf. She kept making sure to sign and interpret things for her daughter while in conversation with us. Her devotion was amazing.

After calling the people out, it was time to serve food and pass out donations. Before we started lunch though, I was able to share part of my testimony to the people!! I have never told my testimony in under 2 hours - but God willing I only talked for 5 minutes. You can tell that someone has nothing when a bag of beans makes them happy. We served a lunch of tamales and nachos and then passed out laundry detergent, beans, and some fun donations our group had brought. All the families ended up with two or three t-shirts, and all the children ended up with 8 bracelets and 5 pieces of candy. Before we knew it, some of the mothers were asking for bracelets. I felt like God had blessed our donations like the loaves and fishes - it just kept giving. For another day I was humbled at the sight of a grown woman getting excited about simple bracelets made by the hands of American college students.

After lunch and donations it was time to start the projects. We really had no idea what to expect. Ends up we are going to extend the roof and also prepare the ground for cement pouring by moving stone. We were helping add on to the pavilion that will eventually be a church and a soup kitchen. Somehow I always find myself doing the hardest labor... I was on stone moving duty. The people cannot afford to use rebar, so the stone was going to be laid out to become the foundation to the cement. We all made a great team!! There were wheelbarrows going, people on roofs, wood staining, and praying walking. Side note - I found a wild tarantula... it was AWESOME.

At all times, Cathy Huffer, one of our Back2Back leaders, was taking people out into the village to pray. Selfishly, I wanted to stay with my pickax and keep working, but I decided that God wanted me to go out on the last prayer walk. Cathy, Tama, and I were able to pray with a woman who practices witchcraft. We began by just saying hello and asking if we could pray for her. We asked for prayer requests and before you knew it, we were invited inside her home to look at pictures. We spent about 20 minutes just focusing on her personally, and while inside her home asked to pray with her. Kimberly, one of her granddaughters was there, and we were able to pray with her as well. At one point, she grabbed my hand in response to our prayer. It was powerful. Tama was able to translate my prayers for China - the woman we were praying for. Even with the language barrier, thanks to our translators, we could communicate our hopes and prayers for the people. With a tearful last prayer by China, we returned to help clean and hang out with some of the residents of El Rio before we had to leave. We had made so much progress on the projects and the people, it was astounding. Even with the loss of her husband, MeMe has all the faith in the world. We were able to pray for her and her ministry right before we left for dinner at El Pollo Loco.

Caroline met us for dinner, and Jessie and I were able to ride in her car back to the property. We made a quick gas station trip, because no one should go to Mexico and not set foot in a Mexican gas station. Once back at the property, I led worship for the group and then we had debriefing. It was an amazing day to talk and think about... I had a few epiphanies about my current situations. First, the crap going on in my life does not even compare to the lives of the people at El Rio - broken car, broken computer, broken phone, whatever. It clearly could be worse. Second, learned helplessness is rampant in El Rio. People fail and fail again, and eventually they give up trying. I have the same attitude in my own lives. I make up excuses for why I shouldn't do something based off of past failures. That is no way to live my life, though. God called me to so much more!! He called me to be faithful, and trust that even when I fail, He will succeed.

I'm the lucky one.

-k10

PS - Betsy and I got to play speed scrabble with Greg Huffer... just like last year... and I WON!! Haven't played in one year, and I beat the pro. Wiz is a word.

Day Four: forgive one another

"If we are honest with ourselves, sometimes we like holding a grudge even though we know we shouldn't. We feel it gives us the upper hand in a relationship. There is something about it that feels so good that despite knowing it is wrong, we hold on."

When I read this in our devotion this morning, I was rocked. So many times we forget how important it is to forgive. Forgiveness is the basis of Christianity. Jesus Christ's sacrifice was made for ultimate forgiveness. I heard a sermon one time that compared unforgiveness to a disease. It is something that attacks you from the inside out and if you do not fight it or search for healing, it can take over.

In my life, I have been dealt difficult cards that required me to forgive a lot of people for a lot of hurt. It is a very difficult thing to forgive someone when you know you didn't deserve the hurt they caused you. That is Christ in you, though. We are unable to forgive apart from Him. He is our strength. Sometimes I just want to sit in my bitterness and let someone else deal with the situation, but I know that is not what God has called us to. He calls us to love and forgive times infinity, even when we are the one in pain. Brokenness is the perfect place to be healed and filled with the power and grace of God. Forgive and be forgiven.

.kristen.

Day Three: Rayitos de Luz (cont.)

Today we were lucky enough to return to Rayitos de Luz. This time we were going to really have some time with the children. We literally piled the kids on to our bus and first took them to the McDonald's play place. Before we left and once the children found out what we were going to be doing, there was a crazy amount of excitement in the air!! While we were all playing and hanging out with the kids, I noticed one girl that was kind of off by herself. Many times the kids who are outgoing and willing to jump in your lap are the ones that get attention, so I made a point to go over and talk to her. I used what little Spanish I knew to carry on a conversation, and before I knew it we were paired up for the day!! I will never forget my girl, Sandra.

We decided to take them to McDonald's for ice cream before lunch, because there was a play place there and not one at El Pollo Loco (a fast food restaurant native to Mexico). I had never seen so much joy in the eyes of children at a McDonald's. Kenzi, one of the interns for Back2Back, made the comment that American children would be upset to take a field trip to a fast food play place, whereas these kids couldn't be happier. The kids were so appreciative and well-behaved, making sure to check in with their respective partners periodically. We headed over for lunch at El Pollo Loco. We were told not to eat anything, and let the kids have as much as they want, but it was impossible, when the kids are constantly trying to share their food with you. That's all they know... If you love someone, give them everything you have. I felt like a part of their family as they handed me food from their plate, and once again I found myself humbled.

It was a sad moment as we walked them across the street to drop them off at school. However many times they have had to say goodbye, I'm sure it's still just as hard every time. One, two, three hugs from Sandra, and then they were gone. But they would never know how much they changed our hearts.

We returned to the children's home to finish barbed wire, painting, and other miscellaneous duties life branch cutting and fence building. My new found friend Kurt and I worked out some very tricky walls to put up the barbed wire. In the process somehow a branch busted open Kurt's head open... always exciting. We were a little off schedule and all of the sudden Antonio is yelling at us to wrap up our jobs and get on the bus. We were almost an hour late!! The kids started to rush in excited that we were still around. It was pretty awesome to see them one last time, and see Sandra's face as she searched the yard to meet my gaze. In all of the rush, they almost left me at the children's home. I was taking after pictures of all of the projects, and all of the sudden I hear Antonio screaming my name. Jessie, thank goodness, had told Antonio that I was still inside before the bus took off... eventful, but not tragic.

Back at the property, we had another amazing dinner (a little later than expected), and then debriefing. After a long day, we still were able to record a few songs to add to the CD.

**I will never forget my time spent with Sandra. My hope and prayer is that because of organizations like Back2Back, she has a chance to grow and flourish.**

-Kristen

Day Three: encourage one another

"Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is; treat a man as he should be and he will become as he can and should be." - Goethe

"Flatter me and I may not believe you;
Criticize me and I may not like you;
Ignore me and I may not forgive you;
Encourage me and I will not forget you."
- William Arthur Ward

Encouragement in this day and age is scarce. It is replaced with negative comments and sarcasm that we justify as love. We all need to feel that we are doing the right thing sometimes. I know that God calls us to be faithful and confident when we are following His will, but like I said, sometimes we just need a pat on the back. Christian brothers and sisters should be here to give you that nudge. We fall short of this out of selfishness and sometimes out of unawareness.

Our lesson for this morning was to encourage one another. Especially in this atmosphere, it is so important to push and love each other with our actions and words. The hard thing is translating that when we get back to the states. Everything around us in the United States will tell us to look out for ourselves and to think pessimistically. It takes energy to encourage - energy that "we don't have." I hope that we can just continue a legacy of love and encouragement over the course of this trip, and therefore instill that in ourselves from here on out.

-k10

Day Two: Rayitos de Luz

After breakfast and devotions we were ready to head out to our first children's home of the week - Rayitos de Luz (little rays of light). We were told that we were going to attempt to be there early to just play and hang out with the kids, and then after they left for school we would begin our work projects. Wellll, flexico Mexico - because of leaving a little late and because of traffic, we ended up getting to the children's home just in time for us to basically watch the kids eat. It was mass chaos, half naked children everywhere putting on their uniforms, food being made and served, and kids banging on bathrooms doors demanding their turns. It was beautiful though, because just as the chaos began, it was subdued by the simple lunch blessing. All the kids bowed their heads and closed their eyes and began to pray together, led by one of the children. They prayed for each other, for their schools, and they even prayed for us. Simply beautiful.

While watching the kids eat, I was able to hold one of the happiest babies I have ever met. He was precious - 8 month old Imanuel. His sister America who is 8 was found taking care of him and his 5 year old brother. Their mother was a drug addict and was unable to take care of them and their father was out of the picture. You find this situation a lot in Mexico, and it breaks my heart. America just wanted to be an 8 year old girl, but was strong enough to be a mother when she had to be. AMAZING... that is love.

They ate and were soon on their way... 25 kids in a 15 passenger van, the Mexico way. We then began our work projects. I volunteered to put up barbed wire. Did I have experience with that?? No, but it sounded cool. The other projects were sealing concrete to prevent leaking, painting a mural type wall, and putting up barbed wire. Eventually, we were going to move on to cutting down branches and putting up a fence, but that wouldn't come until later in the day or maybe even tomorrow. So we threw on some gloves, goggles and grabbed a pair of pliers and were on our way. We pretty much had to cut a lot of barbed wire and tie it around metals poles to prevent people from climbing the walls and stealing things (frightening, i know).

It was blazing hot and I had sprained my good ankle yesterday, so it was a little tricky, as well as challenging, but God willing we made it through. Some of the boys had found out that they didn't have school that day and came sprinting back 12 blocks to help us with our work. It was ridiculously humbling to work beside 9 year old boys that were enjoying work that made me want to quit. They were inspiring. They definitely made everything look easy, jumping around to every project and having a great time. One boy even joined me and Antonio (the project leader) on a roof to hack up a mango tree. Long story short, the boy almost went down with the branches of the mango tree, but he had no worries and was completely willing.

We were able to play a little with the children once we finished our work, so that was rewarding. I got to play doctor with Fani, a little girl who was too young to go to school. We then proceeded to play a game where I blew bubbles and she would try to pop them. So minuscule, and yet so meaningful. No American child would be satisfied with just that... but she was.

After a long hard day of work, we headed back to the property a little later than expected and had an amazing dinner and debriefing. After debriefing, I had the idea of recording a few songs for Caroline on her laptop, which eventually turned into - Kristen Rupert - Live in Mexico!! We began recording my CD on Caroline's computer, a project that would last allll week. The start of my music career, lol.

.kristen.

Day Two: love one another

"Community was God's idea from the beginning." In Theta Alpha (the Christian Sorority I helped found), we always seek to define community. It's a matter of letting God define it though... It is easily forgotten that the creator of the Universe could give us the simple answer. It's about love, sacrifice, and sometimes pain. I love cognitive dissonance. It's that something that makes you cringe, and therefore you change your behavior. Not that you have to cringe to change, but at times it is necessary.

Love is complex, and yet so simple. The lengths and depths of love are unfathomable, but at the same time the concept of love is easy to understand. Love God, and then love people. God is love... If you just let Him in then there is no leg work. You don't need to understand, because He does!! Just let Him be your love.

Back2Back has us do a devotion every morning for the whole week that we are here. The theme for the year is "one another." So today is love one another. The verses for the week come from Galatians 5:13-26. Love is a lot of sacrifice, especially when you are serving in a different country. Maybe you don't speak the same language to tell someone you love them, but maybe the act of serving food will speak for itself. Or putting a roof on a church and soup kitchen that will serve a squatter village.

Love is not a bunch of rules that you have to follow. Like open the door for people and make sure to say nice things all the time... it has nothing to do with legalism. Verse 23 says that if we make love a bunch of rules and obligations, then it is no longer love.

I hope that this week, we can love one another and be completely humbled. The children in Mexico who have nothing, share everything. That is love. I hope in humility we can learn from them...

.kristen.

Day One: the quinciñera

The flight was great and uneventful. The cherry on top was Caroline's smiling face as we passed through the last customs station. Seriously, it was a blessing to just hug her. I didn't realize how much I truly missed her until she was right there, and we were back to our old ways. We waited for the Michigan State group of 30 and then loaded on the buses and headed to the property. When we arrived we proceeded to settle in and have lunch. After a quick tour the game plan was to help set-up and break-down for a birthday party of one of the children from the Casa Hogar Douglas. This was not just any old birthday party... Monica, the birthday girl, was turning 15.

I have only heard about the 15th birthday in the Hispanic culture... there was also this one time that I saw My Super Sweet Fifteen. It was a special. It was an over-the-top celebration of greed, and I really never discovered the true meaning and importance of the quinciñera... until today. We set-up tables and tables and chairs and chairs!! Eighty children from Douglas arrived and soon enough the ceremony had started. It was very similar to a wedding procession. Everyone rises for the birthday girl, and then there are different stages and reciting and readings. She was STUNNING. One of the greatest moments was truly being able to see that she felt beautiful... it was such a strong feeling that you could almost feel yourself. Her face beamed with an unmistakable confidence. The confidence of knowing she is beautiful and knowing she is loved. Girls are insecure. We are constantly fighting with what we see in the mirror. We don't like it. But to see a girl that doesn't get much, get everything she's ever dreamed of... now that's amazing. You can just feel that.

After the ceremony was over, we served everyone dinner and then served ourselves. The meal was some kind of spicy. I mean burn your face off, welcome to Mexico kind of spicy. It was awesome. After dinner the whole group including children began to play games like we were at a reception for a wedding. Just a big circle and some people running around in pairs... or something like that. You had to pick it up really fast or you would definitely get left behind. After a while they kicked all of the kids out of the circle. It was awesome to get to just spend some time with the kids and play after everything began to wind down. I'm pretty sure the dancing didn't stop until 8:30 or maybe later, and I'm pretty sure it could have gone on for much longer. Crazy birthday parties, ya know.

We finished up the night with debriefing, which basically consisted of us just reflecting on the day and choosing one "picture" that we specifically wanted to hold on to. We also got a little more acquainted with the two guys that were going to be on the same schedule as us. With the day starting out for us at 4:30 am, we were very exhausted. Not only that, we lost two hours because not only did we fly into central time, but Mexico was not quite ready to spring forward.

I've never slept so well, honestly. I can thank the Lord for that one.

.kristen.

Day One: the departure

"Nations will come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your dawn."
- Isaiah 60:3

Last year, this time, I was in the same place. On my way to Mexico. Who knows what I was thinking then. It was impossible for me to imagine how my heart would change. How my heart would break. Here I sit today and I am floored by God's splendor and power. I look out to my right and see a rising sun. The colors bright and magnificent, the clouds serene, planting their pattern throughout the sky. He is truly indescribable. God showed me Isaiah last year. He showed me my heart for Mexico. Who knows the revelation this year... I can't wait. LIGHT THE NATIONS.

.kristen.

the day before MX

Anticipation is always a wonderful thing. You can never tell if you are nervous or excited, or just plain scared. At this point, I'm afraid of what God is going to teach me. I know the plan is to break me. It has been my earnest prayer, and from my experiences with God - He answers. So many things have distracted me from purpose - His purpose. However, God has His timing, and I know (I can feel it) He is going to act on my heart and into my soul. Christianity is an on-going battle inside, and sometimes the enemy wins, but many people have lost once, twice, or more and come back to win the race, the game, the life. I mean look at the Gators... lol.

But the idea is to completely surrender, realize your failure, repent, and be restored and filled by and with Christ. He wants out WHOLE, not half, not some... ALL!! Lately, I have been denying Christ a big part of my life... my shame, my dignity, my self-control. I always thought it seemed ridiculous to "drown your sorrows" in something. Well, lately it hasn't seemed nearly so ridiculous. Depression, the break-up, life in general - it is very easy to turn to something worldly to heal my heart, adsorb my pain, and in the end "save me." I want to be free of that. I cannot let my independence hinder a true full life in Christ. Actions speak louder than words - so honestly, drinking with non-Christians (even if I am of age) was a great idea, right? What part of love God, love people did I miss understand? My justifications have led to an idea that I can save people through blatant sin. Now that is thinking "abstractly."

"Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like you have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks yours.
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause.
As I walk from earth into eternity."

-Brooke Frasier (Hillsong United)

First, healing is necessary, then and only then will God entrust me with His plan, His purpose. Brokenness is my prayer this week. Not only for me, but for the team and even for those we will be ministering to. Grant humility so we can see your glory within the smile on an orphan's face.

-k10