the day before MX

Anticipation is always a wonderful thing. You can never tell if you are nervous or excited, or just plain scared. At this point, I'm afraid of what God is going to teach me. I know the plan is to break me. It has been my earnest prayer, and from my experiences with God - He answers. So many things have distracted me from purpose - His purpose. However, God has His timing, and I know (I can feel it) He is going to act on my heart and into my soul. Christianity is an on-going battle inside, and sometimes the enemy wins, but many people have lost once, twice, or more and come back to win the race, the game, the life. I mean look at the Gators... lol.

But the idea is to completely surrender, realize your failure, repent, and be restored and filled by and with Christ. He wants out WHOLE, not half, not some... ALL!! Lately, I have been denying Christ a big part of my life... my shame, my dignity, my self-control. I always thought it seemed ridiculous to "drown your sorrows" in something. Well, lately it hasn't seemed nearly so ridiculous. Depression, the break-up, life in general - it is very easy to turn to something worldly to heal my heart, adsorb my pain, and in the end "save me." I want to be free of that. I cannot let my independence hinder a true full life in Christ. Actions speak louder than words - so honestly, drinking with non-Christians (even if I am of age) was a great idea, right? What part of love God, love people did I miss understand? My justifications have led to an idea that I can save people through blatant sin. Now that is thinking "abstractly."

"Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like you have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks yours.
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause.
As I walk from earth into eternity."

-Brooke Frasier (Hillsong United)

First, healing is necessary, then and only then will God entrust me with His plan, His purpose. Brokenness is my prayer this week. Not only for me, but for the team and even for those we will be ministering to. Grant humility so we can see your glory within the smile on an orphan's face.

-k10