Nicaragua.

Things have been a little crazy to say the least. It's times like these, I forget to remember myself. Not in a selfish way, but in a normal healthy one. A way that allows for growth and stability. All I have right now is digression and chaos. Sometimes I try to think how to fix it, but I quickly realize that it's no simple fix.

I NEED to be in Africa. My heart is already there... I find myself getting lost in my thoughts and memories of South Africa. I have to remind myself that it's "not yet!" Live for today, for the now. Don't think about tomorrow, because tomorrow will become yesterday, and yesterday is too late!

As I prepare my mind for the week ahead, I can't help but think about how unprepared I am, but that's how it should be. No time to think about or conjure up expectations. No time to anticipate... that's all I do is think, dwell, ponder... There's a saying, "The farthest distance between you and God is 18 inches: the distance between your heart and your head." So "thinking" is a dangerous thing for me, especially right this moment! A dangerous thing that I do too much. I'm excited to see what God is going to do in the next week, and I'm not going to try and define it or limit God. He doesn't belong in the box that I shut Him in...

It's time to break free and let go. I feel there will be a lot more to this process in the weeks to come.

This is just the beginning...

Wrecked by love

I tried to write a song tonight. In my heartache and excess of emotions, I wanted cry out. Long story short, I failed. There are so many thoughts and ideas swimming around in my head the past few weeks, and now I have to drown in them; shrouded by the silence of my empty apartment. These thoughts become my nemesis... We bicker, we war, we hate. In the end, however boldly and adamantly I fought, I always lose. Welcome to another night alone with Kristen's thoughts. It's a frightening place to be.

I can safely say that the past three weeks have lifted and crushed my dreams. In a moment, I feel restored, refreshed, renewed, and I round the corner of 24 hours, and everything falls apart. I probably could do the world a favor by never having a good day... or week... or year. Because immediately following this "good" time is pain, sorrow, and destruction. Now I can't fully pin the blame on myself for every hurt surrounding my life and those around me, but it's an awful coincidence.

Images continue to creep into my mind from a place 6 years ago... Suddenly she's gone... Too soon... Unfair... Bitterness... Been there done that. But now I have new eyes to see a new day. Whether I think something is fair or right or "how it should be," God can change everything. In just one year, Nancy changed my life. Imagine what she did with all her other years, weeks, days, seconds. Pouting and sulking isn't going to do any good for her legacy that lives in me. Mourning is a different thing... I can miss her, but I can't just wish her back. If I sit around dwelling on the fact she isn't here, I'm going to miss a moment to share the love that she implanted in me.

This life is a fleeting vapor, a brief glimpse into eternity. I hope to use every moment like it's my last. I hope to love and live as Nancy did, resting in the knowledge of her Lord and Savior. If I had the faith that she did in her pinky finger, then things could be different... If every life she touched chose to pick up their own cross diligently and faithfully, then we would see a world WRECKED by love. Wrecked in a sense that everyone has to realize their brokenness to realize their need for Christ. God wreck my life... Allow me to wreck other's lives with a message of love... A message of love that was once translated to me through a hug, a laugh, a smile, and a story.

Her love became her legacy. Nancy Demus lives on inside of me.

-k10

Jamaica

2nd Corinthians 11:30 - "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."

2nd Corinthians 12:9 - "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Exhaustion. My mom said it best on the phone this morning: "You just never stop GOING." And she's right. But sometimes I wonder if the things I'm called to will not allow for a lengthy period of time to rest. Restlessness: to constantly keep striving & searching. You can have rest in God without actually being "at rest" (in the physical sense of the word). God ultimately gives us rest in other ways. If there's no time to slow down, then God will find ways for you to be filled & renewed, maybe while doing something you love.

I absolutely love worship. It's my heart, & more than that, it's my soul. This week I am in Jamaica on what would appear to the outsiders perspective as an exhausting mission trip. But really for me it's a worshipful reprieve from the drone of everyday life. I am surrounded by people who love God & love to worship. Now that's my cup o' tea. Life may never truly slow down, we just have to learn what REST really is.

Rest is different for everyone. Some people need more alone time/"at rest" time than others. Lifting up my voice tonight with a hundred Jamaican brothers & sisters is plenty of rest for me this week. The presence of God is visible in those times. We connect with each other - soul to soul - & God joins the party. I pray for an open heart & open mind & more importantly: REST - in its truest form. We need to look for those things that fill us. Those things that bring us rest. We need to hang on to those things & practice them often.

..::in my weakness, He is made strong::..

-Kristen

Judgment

As a Christian, I am listed on the top most judgmental people, regardless of how truly judgmental I am. It's not a proper account of activity, but simply the association. We give ourselves a bad reputation - let's be real. You may not judge more than the next person, but the fact is, we hold ourselves to a higher standard that we openly preach to the world. Falter from that standard, and persecuting eyes will take note. Although, there are the token many that blatantly judge and criticize in an attempt to "love" on the heathens. Mother Teresa once said, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." This quote absolutely sums up my thoughts the past few days...

Monday, I was leaving for lunch. I had planned to leave and be at lunch on time for once, so I was walking out to my car. I climbed in and quickly began to start and reverse, when a woman scuffles up to my window. I didn't put any descriptive words in front of woman, because honestly, I'm ashamed of the words I did think. I mean, you can only imagine... I judged her. My mind was so set on myself and my need to get to lunch that I didn't even listen to a word she said the first time she spoke to me. But all of the sudden, God broke my heart. He gently whispered, "Kristen, what are you doing? Isn't it the sick that need a doctor? The hungry that need food? This daughter of Mine that needs a ride? Who do you think you are?? You are my daughter just the same, and you would EXPECT someone to save you... Right?" My heart ached as I realized my own poverty... Poverty in Spirit and in Love.

I immediately opened my calloused heart and ears. Fifteen minutes later, I had dropped off my new friend Tina, and made it to lunch 7 minutes late. 7 minutes. That's how much time it takes for me to forget my Call, my Gift, my God. As I listened to her life in the short car ride there, I couldn't help but hurt for her. Life isn't fair, but Tina said it so perfectly: "you gotta work with the cards that you were dealt." When she climbed out of the car and thanked me, I responded, "It was nice to meet you Tina, and good luck with everything." She hesitated, and for a moment I saw light in a place of darkness. No one had ever remembered or cared to ask her name... She felt like a person for a second, not a beggar or a national parasite (as many ultra-conservative Americans might label). She was Tina, the beautiful creation of God, and I wanted her to feel that.

I may never see Tina again... Or maybe I will. Maybe on another hot day in July, I will have the privilege of hanging out with Tina again. I will ask about her life, and if things are better. I will rebuke all judgement. I will love her as Jesus did.

Mother Teresa chose to mingle with the destitute, depraved and diseased. To her, those words were selfish labels. She was in the presence of royalty: children of a righteous King, a gracious Ruler, and a holy Prince. "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." Let's call it the 7 minute challenge - How much time are you willing to give up in order to love people?? Answer: my life. Wholly. Completely. Surrendered.

It's called sacrifice... I once knew a guy who did the same thing for me. He lived a life in all knowledge that every day could be His last. He loved beyond time, and left the judging up to His Father.

.kristen.

humbled places.

So I have come to a realization of sorts this weekend. I'm selfish. I know what you're thinking: "Oh, wow, you just realized that?!" But the fact is, we should daily become aware of our humanness. Awareness brings about brokenness which allows true change. I am human, and I have failed yet again. I don't say that in a negative light. I say it in all confidence that in my weakness and depravity God is made known and made great.

I have been pouting for about a month now about the restlessness in my spirit. POUTING. Most God-fearing people beg to be restless! They beg for a dissatisfied soul, so they will adamantly pursue Christ in every moment. In "seeking" Christ and attempting to find my "right" path, I completely obliterate my faith and trust. It's not about forcing a vision and immediately blazing a trail; it's about listening and shifting perspective and patience.

I even push the Christians around me to preach a dangerous Gospel and live life without PRACTICAL inhibitions. And now here I am eating my words. I really must start paying attention to the words God sends out of my mouth. I clearly have that typical Christian listening problem. Nothing is simple, nothing is easy, nothing is practical. But regardless of the trials, the pain, the impossible, we have a God and a grace that abounds and surrounds. Life hurts, but God heals. Christians think when you give your life over to Christ that things dramatically shift towards perfection. This is not the case... In fact, our lives remain awfully imperfect, but there is Hope. The bad days come, all the same, but purpose protects and restores our heart.

I have decided to be the best disciple, the best youth director, the best daughter/sister, the best friend, the best mentor, the best counselor, the best coworker, the best lover, according to God's call and trajectory. Wherever I am, I am His. He says when, where and how... and I just make the BEST of it.

The pity party has officially ended.

-k10

Poppa's Lullaby

So lately Life has been giving me a hard time. I realize that most of the time Life has no concern for my well-being, or the many things I have going on, but instead chooses to bombard me at the most inopportune times. Especially, when things seem to be going "well." Life appears to be a calloused jerk, right? So what/who is this Life? Good question.

We oftentimes gauge how our life is going by the things happening in the world around us. The problem with that is we are told to align our lives with the eternal. Not to live with our head in the clouds, but to be conscience of God, who has control. As the world falls apart around us, we may find our faith and hope and joy stronger than ever. When the storms come it is better to submerse ourselves in all things spiritual, not all things physical and tangible.

"Life is love. Life is pain. Life is something WE can't take away. When Life's unbearable, we see God's light. But how can a light dry my eyes??" I wrote these lyrics for a dear sweet friend of mine who passed away long before her time. Mama Yoli. It speaks to the hurt that we feel in loss, but also speaks to the discomfort of faith during those times. We see encouragement in the Word and in God's workings, but all we really want is His embrace. We want to feel... consolation. Life, this world, our pain separates us from truly feeling.

Robert Rupert, my grandfather: a man of his word and a man of God's word. After battling bone cancer for over a year, he decided to finally back down. He now awaits the time that the Lord will call him home. It is a long, slow, excruciating wait. Patience is endangered. You get to a point where you don't want to lose him, but you despise the suffering endured. I found myself lost and torn. Death is something we rejoice in as Christians, but it never fails that we are terrified of it... No one really wants to die.

I wrote my grandfather a song. Just to express a little bit of what, I believe, my whole family is feeling. I had the opportunity to play it for him... I titled it: Poppa's Lullaby.

"Close your eyes,

Sleep a while,

And rest your soul.

In a place, where the grace

Overflows.

Close your eyes,

Sleep all night,

And know He's waiting.

For your heart, to embark

On this journey.

And the pain will fade,

When you find your true peace.

As you rest assured,

In your Savior's embrace.

And with arms wide open,

You will welcome us in.

On that day, we meet you there.

Green pastures, still waters,

In this valley I will walk.

But I will not fear,

For you are near

In my dark.

I am weary, heavy laden,

But He restores my soul.

And calls me home,

Into the whole of His heart.

You will fly on that day when He calls..."

Rest in Him,

kristen

If you would like to hear it: http://virb.com/krupertmusic

PCB, FL (Meltdown)

Have you ever just sat? Yes, sat. It requires patience, it requires discipline, & oftentimes it uses or requires the listening ear in you. I beg this question as I sit in the moonlight, taking in the cold, & meditate to the sound of the crashing waves. Harmony. Bliss. Heaven.

I can't help but think of life, creation. The beauty of it all. And yes, the beauty that I am accepting resides in me. I can't help but think of this past year. A seeming blur, a fleeting moment. But despite the busyness & work, God molded a new being. God likened me to Himself more than ever. Of course we will always be created in God's image, but there's a brilliance in the opportunity to grow & change every day if we just let Him in.

Gah, I can't get over the joy I feel when I am in awe of God's splendor. Darkness veils the horizon creating a vast continuous expanse between sky & sea. Eerie clouds creep across the sky, only masking the clarity of the constellations for a moment. Oh but the sounds: such power in the veritable "crashing." Where water meets land, two worlds collide. It's like the battle we have between our earthly lives & spiritual ones. A war so to speak. But no matter how hard the land tries - mountains will fall, sands will be shifted, and great canyons will be carved. God REIGNS! My prayer for this weekend is freedom. As inspiration taken from the sea, let's live unhindered by land. Push through; breakaway!

"Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life,
Is the very same voice that calls you now to rise."
                                             -Phil Wickham

We can only imagine. But no imagined thing would even come close.

Isaiah 55:8-9

Our lives can be ironically defined & understood by the unfathomable ways of God. Ponder that one for a while.

-Kristen