Retreat.

What is a retreat?? It's a time for you to "escape," "getaway," and "hide" from what the world deals out to you everyday. So I have to decide what retreat I want to attend. On the one hand, we have a youth retreat, where I will be facilitating the spiritual growth of over 40 middle school youth. It seems like the opportunity of a lifetime. On the other hand, we have Theta Alpha retreat... the first one that I will attend, and actually be an "attendee." No duties, no strings attached. I have not had a major hand in helping plan things, and i will only help lead worship a little, which is what i LOVE to do. So why the predicament, huh? It seems that logic would have me choose the latter of the two options. Though, the logic seems clear, I am ultimately torn... quite a paradox. All my life, I have served. When someone asked for help with something, I was always there to volunteer. When someone asked me to spend one semester of my life planning every detail of one weekend retreat for 80 people I obliged kindly and smiled. I guess I get it from my mom, but I just don't stop going and doing. I cannot help but want to focus on other people. It helps me to escape from the reality in my own life. The more I think about your problems and how I can fix them, the less time I have to spend focusing on myself, and realizing the Hell that I live in everyday. It is part of my career goals: counsel people... a.k.a. live their life for a moment and work out the issues. Maybe it's time for me to start living for myself.

Kevin asked me something very important the other day: "Kristen, how many years have you spent interacting with youth and helping with their spiritual growth?" I answered, "A LOT!!" He continued, "So, why don't you spend time with your peers? The people that you very rarely help, and the people that you only have one more year with?" It was a very valid point. It's almost easy for me to hang out with youth and try to help them, like my comfort zone. I have been doing that since my freshman year in high school... but my peers, now that's another story. I help as best I can, but a lot of times I feel incapable, when it comes to aiding in God's mission in their lives. When someone your own age tries to help you, your first response is to write them off, because the are the "same age" as you. I guess it's time for me to step out of my comfort zone, because God is definitely pulling me in one direction. So, then it's time to prove the devil wrong.

Kelly and I sat in the living room for a while last night talking about what I should do. She's so great. She noticed my distress and just sat there listening intently and adding commentary when she could. I have suffered with depression much of my college career, and she noticed my recent change in demeanor. She pushed me to see that I needed to do some things for myself. And in turn, I will be able to affect people. The whole idea with planning and executing a retreat is you have to have something to give to the people who are going... well, in the state that I am in, clearly I have nothing to give, whether I want to believe that or not. I need a weekend for restoration, and then I can worry about my relationships with people. A lot of times we focus so much on loving people, we forget to love God. They are both commandments, but one clearly comes before the other. Love God, then love people.

Do something for yourself once in a while. Forget the idea of selfishness, because God called us to a relationship with him. Just because we recognize that once in a while, does not mean we are selfish.

Love,

k10