A bit o' my heart...

So it's really true... Reality has set in, and I discovered that I'm back in the states and back to work. I honestly had to hit the ground running. I went in to staff meeting on my day off, and decided to stick around for 2 more hours "to get some work done." What's the matter with me?! And now here I am attempting to keep myself awake at 9 pm to answer the 200 emails that I found lurking in my inbox as I returned home. Now at 9:07, I relieved myself for a minute to think... to remember.

Two days ago I was in South Africa. A lot of people talk about loving a place when they go there, but when I say love, I mean something completely different. I have never felt like I fit in, no matter where I have been. There was always something missing, someone telling me I was special, some restless feeling that wouldn't go away. This week was the first time that all those anxieties were quelled. People loved me for who I was, crazy or not. South Africa is a beautiful place, not just for its scenery, but because of the hearts of the people. Gorgeous. Beyond words, lovely.

So yes, I understand that it might be hard to live in America, especially if my heart resides in South Africa, and many a people have ruined their relationships, their opportunities, and inevitably their lives by setting their thoughts and minds in another place. But I won't make that same mistake. In another sense, there is no way that I can forget and no way that I can't miss the people, the places, the worship, the laughs, the hope, the love. God in His mysterious ways, created and ordained this opportunity. I now have clarity beyond anything I have ever experienced. It is holy.

South Africa, you hold a special place in my heart forever. And for now, jet lag is winning. Sleep is good.

-Kristen

South Africa - Departure

Pain is a humbling experience. As my back screams of accidents days ago, I can do nothing but whimper. So helpless to hurt's mighty reign: I pretend that everything is ok. Is this the state God wanted to send me to South Africa? Or have I given in to selfish desires & doomed myself? Africa needed all of me, & now I can only give a smaller portion that's not writhing in pain or blinded by it. My pain has become my distraction.

Maybe I needed a reminder of how human I am - spiritually & physically. Our bodies are weaker than our spirits, & I'm surely feeling that. So positive spin: in my weakness, He is made strong. So theoretically He could completely control my every move, thought, deed... that's if I give Him control. I envision myself fighting with God like a passenger might fight with a pilot to fly a plane. I have no idea how to fly, but I want to man the controls.

Wow, I am on my way to South Africa... A distant thought in my head years ago has finally become a remarkable reality. And what a blessing it is to be surrounded by my best friends all the while. My Revive family. Who ever really gets to do that?! The hum of the engines keeps me from believing that this is all a dream. 37,000 feet in the air, you can do nothing but reflect on how life has led you down this path. Well, how God has led me down this path. I think the sum of my feelings is a little bit of fear, a little bit of excitement & a lot of disbelief. You almost have to convince yourself that this is happening. God is a brilliant story-teller. Thank God, His steady hand has a firm grip on what is to come next.

Give me grace, give me hope, give me love. I am insufficient, but God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. Just yesterday I saw God's mighty face etched into the side of a snowy mountain. A beautiful & marvelous sight to be seen. Now as I glance out of this plane window, I see His mastery displayed in an ambient solemn layer of clouds. Peace is the only word that come to mind.

Pain is but a fleeting moment within an eternity of love & peace. Humility is a key to opening the door. He stands & knocks. Will I answer? Can I answer? Well, I don't think any of us ever "could." We aren't capable, but Christ is. So, can I? Yes, given that Christ overcomes me; lives through me; lives in me. We are but clay in the Potter's hands. Original masterpieces, fired to strengthen & purify.

God give me strength to endure & a heart to serve: in a world that needs a Savior.

Psalm 46:10

-Kristen

heart.

So I was thinking about the message for this Sunday at youth. We started a little series called Generation Revolution. Basically, it's some ideas pulled together, because over the years there are things I have realized that are completely necessary to understand in order to live your life like you want to in Christ. Last week we talked about attitude... the mind, and how to revolutionize it to be one with God. This week we are going to talk about heart...

When talking about your mind, you aren't necessarily talking about the organ that is your brain. We are talking about thought-processes and decision-making. So then, when we choose to talk about heart, to what are we referring?? Well, again, we are not talking about the physical organ, but instead your capacity to feel and love. It is how much you truly care.

A lot of us choose to use only a portion of our hearts or to just let our head decide. But a wise word that I remember hearing in high school was - "The farthest distance between you and God is 18 inches... the distance between your heart and your head." I was convicted this morning in an epiphany of sorts. I discovered that I limit the love in my life. I limit love in my life, because fear or doubt or deny. I oftentimes refuse love from someone else, and in turn destroy an opportunity for love to enter a hateful world. God surrounds and drowns us in love and grace... in everything. We choose whether or not we want to accept that. It is very hard to see Christ in moments of pain or strife, because we can't sense beyond our screaming minds. Christ chose to reside in our hearts (remember: our capacity to love and feel), because of this fact we should understand that our heart is the most powerful tool we have on this earth. Beyond just a powerful love... in our hearts resides the power of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

It is actually easier for us to be naive though, right? It rids you of responsibility or guilt. If you opt out of completely accepting, then you haven't truly accepted it yet... Yes, you have denied your own true Savior. It's not about getting bits and pieces of Jesus - it's about being made whole. James talks about this in reference to laws, "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." It is an everyday thing... an every morning thing... an every second thing. Perfection is not required. Surrender is.

I just started reading "The Hole in Our Gospel." How simple is our call? SIMPLE. There's no denying that. The thoughts in our head are complicated, not the message that God has clearly laid out for us. Love Him, and therefore love people. I say "therefore," because it is impossible to love God and not automatically and naturally begin your love and passion for humanity.

Quit living in the dream world inside your head. There's a hurting world around you begging for you to love it. Go. Live. Heart.

Kristen.

The Inglorious Life of a Youth Director

Not but 10 minutes ago, I was drowning my hands in at least 500 pounds of rotten pumpkin... In that moment, I had a thought: "I love my job." Not what you expected, right?? The life of a youth director is far from glorious. It is sometimes referred to as the hardest ministry position there is. Ignorance would lead us to believe that during our time of service hands will stay clean, and roads will remain unblocked. But this is far from the reality. You will find yourself wallowing in a perpetual mess and fighting an inevitable war with traditions and hearsay.

I don't say these things to rag on one church or deter anyone from taking a position in youth ministry or any ministry affiliate. I simply say these things to explain my leading statement. Burying my hands in a mush of rot wasn't included in my job description. Loading a shopping cart full of festering pumpkins outside the church office, people passed without saying a word. Not that I expected them to say a word, but there was an unspoken apology in their quick glances. In my brief time spent as a youth director, I have realized how much I need God, and how necessary it is to ask for help. I have realized that no question I will have to deal with those situations that everyone tries to avoid. I have realized that the most broken and sometimes self-destructive people are the ones that come searching for love. And it is not my job to turn them away.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, hands down. When I tell people that, they are often surprised. It is also not my job to complain... maybe, that's where the surprise comes. Jesus did those jobs that people didn't want to do, taking great care to do them well. I think of when He washes the disciples feet... How gross. But how utterly selfless. Visiting with lepers... We have a hard time hanging out with people that have hygiene issues, no less flesh eating diseases. I wish I could say that I am that strong, but there are times that I ignore, avoid, whine, and cry. Perfection is not my strong suit. It's not supposed to be. Lucky for us, we are all on the same level and imperfect playing field.

I thank God for my triumphs, my failures, and my rotten pumpkins. It is all here to glorify Him, and therefore becomes my joy. Life would be worth living if we just thought past ourselves. However inglorious, I feel dignified and honored to be serving in the capacity that I do in ministry. If everything was easy, lessons would remain unlearned and people would remain unreachable. Serve outside your limited parameters, and who knows, you might find yourself in a marvelous state of dependence. Dependence on the Almighty, who through grace, redeems and frees. Love in its original form...

Make a mess. Grow a ministry. Love a nation.

-k10

it's something about surfing...

It's something about surfing that just gives me life. I was at the beach today for the first Revive 2010 meeting and happened to go surfing with a friend. We began discussing this concept of surfing, and it's relation to our joy. It is just wonderful to be out in the gulf, experiencing God's glory displayed in innumerably profound ways and not thinking about anything else. You can just feel God in His ultimate power. He's just out there... in the push behind the wave... in the perfect way the sun creeps across the sky... in the depths below where fish nibble your toes and jellies show no mercy... in the baking sand on shore where the tops of shells peak out from their burial grounds... in the sun's beaming reflection on the surface, so you can't tell where the sky ends and the water begins... in the colors of the sunset and the glow of the moon... in the clouds that simply project the sun's artistry and the water's clarity... in the peaceful yet powerful crash of a wave on shore, when the sun has left the sky and you can see no more... I can't get enough of it.

I love not thinking. In some situations "not thinking" is definitely the wrong way to go about getting things done, but clearing my mind has always been my key to discernment and epiphany. The world just disappears. You get lost in the beauty and power of the Lord displayed all around you. Exhaustion sets in, and yet you continue to push yourself for that one last ride. One last wave. One last chance to vacate your mind. One last encounter. One last hope.

Lack of thought had never been so productive until I started surfing. Just a thought... =)

.k10.

in light of life

This Sunday was like any old Sunday... nothing noticeably different other than the fact that I had to eat jelly on my waffles instead of syrup. I arrived at church and taught Sunday school to the middle school girls, and then moseyed on over to the contemporary service. There I saw a few familiar faces, and began to greet them as I do every Sunday morning. Like I said, nothing out of the ordinary. But then God truly humbled me...

I was talking to one of our boys who hasn't been involved in anything youthwise this summer, because of football. My last Wednesday here at Spanish Fort is this week, and it was a simple question: "Are you going to be there?" He turns to me, and to my surprise, says yes!! I honestly was making sure not to build up my hope to be let down by his answer, but this is not what I expected to hear. I immediately fire back with a counter, claiming he has football practice; like i know better than he does. I hear a couple random coughs from the people around us, clearly trying to hint at something, and he turns to me. I will never forget his answer:

"Well Kristen, I'm going to quit football today. I have gone to the hospital three times for that team, and I won't do it again. I don't love football, I love God, and I love being able to do stuff with the church. Without football in the way, I can actually be involved."

My response: tears. I could do nothing else. He began crying with me. I was truly inspired by his words and his commitment. He gets it. If God had brought me here this summer to hear nothing else but those words, it would've been worth it. This city doesn't get it. These kids don't get it. It's about sports and competition... it's never about God or relationship. For once I had heard someone sacrifice their own agenda to fulfill God's mission in their life. I have spent my summer begging kids to come to youth and come to camp with the same old response - I have this sport, this practice, this vacation. I just wish people could get it. I wish that parents would instill great values, not great expectations. This Sunday I had caught a glimpse of heaven, a glimmer of hope for a church lost in worldly desires and mindsets. A lot of times the youth group is the breath and life of a church... I hope that Remedy Youth can do more than inspire - I hope they can change the face of Spanish Fort.

What do you love? God? Well, then maybe you should shift your priorities.

-k10

Coffee will be the death of me...

So it is now 2:54 am... I found myself wide-eyed and terrified about 20 minutes ago wondering what could be wrong with me. My heart was racing, and the harder I tried to think of nothing and fall asleep, the more I became confused and light-headed. Suddenly it hit me - I had 2 diet cokes and 2 cups of coffee at about 10:30 pm, and not a whole lot of food to counteract that intense amount of caffeine. So in light of my discovery, I stumbled upstairs to raid the pantry. I ate a hodge-podge of food including guacamole chips, cinnamon toast crunch, oreos, mountain trail mix, and candy. Basically, whatever I could get my hands on. I now am waiting, hoping, and praying that I can relax, and get at least 5 hours of sleep. I figured it would be good to release my thoughts while I wait, so here it goes...

Tonight I was able to speak at youth. The topic that I spoke on is very near and dear to my heart. Brokenness. It is such a valuable idea in the realm of Christianity, but very few truly understand it's significance. Those who do realize its importance, truly find life. We must be broken and vulnerable before God can act on our hearts. We have to reveal those innermost places; break down those sin walls that surround our hearts. If you have ever been to a place of utter hurt, need, or despair, and found yourself crying out to God, that is brokenness. It is not a matter of being weak, but a matter of letting God be strong.

Humility is the key to brokenness. None of us are humble... let's be real. So it is hard for us to ever really break down. We HAVE to let our guard down. The world tells us to be the first, the best, the greatest, the toughest, and the strongest. But what does God tell us?? Yes, that's right, He tells us to be the opposite. The Bible is littered with paradoxes that perplex the mind, but calm the heart. God calls us to be who we are. That's not scary. It's just real. And we are afraid of real. We like to fake things and act like we're ok, and essentially "perfect" ourselves so no one can see the hurts or find the faults. Well, the author and perfecter of our faith wants to make whole what is entirely broken. He cannot fix and restore what is not already broken.

So come to the Lord, as you are. Beautiful in your brokenness... Strong in your weakness. God wants the rough, original, genuine you. Not that somebody you think is you, that has a no problems, no tears, and no fears. In Exodus 20, God gave Moses the ten commandments and not long after told him to build an alter. But not just any alter, an alter built of only the roughest stones. He commanded that no tools touch the stones, lest they defile it. This is what I mean... don't fake it, don't fix yourself, don't bring that shielded heart to the alter. Bring the roughest you got. Bring the dirt and the destitution... bring the pain and the pride. Lay it down at the alter. Originally His.

Brokenness hurts. The Lord does not cause us pain, but rooting out all the mess causes the pain. To remove a thorn, you must actually decide to remove it. It doesn't feel good to do so, but once it's done healing can begin. I read a story to the kids tonight about a shepherd and his sheep. Sometimes to teach a lesson to a sheep and shepherd must break the sheep's leg. It sounds very cruel and unusual, but this sheep could very well lead the entire flock astray, because sheep are very dull animals. In fact, they have the smallest brain to body ratio of any animal... just so you know. The shepherd doesn't break the sheep's leg and then move on, he tends to the sheep night and day, feeding it from his hand, and watering it from his flask. He shows the sheep the right ways, and soon enough the sheep has forgotten that this same shepherd broke its leg. Once the sheep is healed it can return to the flock, better than before, smarter than before. The sheep can now lead the flock and impart the learned lessons. In the same way God is our shepherd...

He doesn't want to hurt us, but He wants to make right what is wrong. He wants to rid us of the pain and the suffering inside. There is always hurt before healing. Breakdown before the Lord. Let the pieces of your life be an offering, pleasing to the Lord. Brokenness is the beginning - it all starts with a broken and contrite heart. Then and only then can the Lord begin His work on you.

Time to try for Round 2 on the whole sleeping thing...

-k10