ballad for the unemployed: plans

insomnia brings about the greatest thoughts... or so it seems. this is a ballad for the unemployed: woe is us. we want, we waste, and we wither. ok, i'm kidding, but seriously, who knew how hard all of this would be? i mean, yeah, God warned me and prepped me, but there's only so much words can do to describe real life. we learn that each and every day, when our words fall short to express how much we love someone. there was a part of me that hoped this would be better than what i had before. it's proving to be much of the same, just different.

my thoughts run to after Africa. i know we are to stay away from those regions, but my mind can't help but wander. what am i going to do? this has been asked of me at least 3 times this weekend. my answer: you tell me. i'm gonna wait. just like every other circumstance in my life, i will wait. seems that every fiber of me is waiting for something... like life is on pause or slow motion or something (and of course we lost the remote).

oftentimes, i wish God had just called me to simplicity. to normal. to redundant. go to school, get a job, get married, family, retirement, death... la de da. but then i give myself a nice big kick in the pants: this is what you prayed for Kristen. this is what you hoped for so long ago when you were young and you felt different. you felt called to something wild. literally and metaphorically. Africa was emblazoned on my heart so many years ago, undeniably. so there flew normalcy out the window...

it's not bad, it's just hard. it's hard to watch all my friends lead their normal, textbook lives, as mine appears to crumble and confuse. then i think about Paul. plans? what did he think his life was gonna look like, when all the sudden he was staring at a stone cold cell wall? how about when he was killing christians? did he think he would one day be the most influential writer in the new testament? plans... created things and yet so fleeting.

"A man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

who are we? human. so why do we try to orchestrate things anyways? have you looked around to see what we do to each other when left to our own devices? we destroy, degrade, deprave. so it would make sense to unload my life into the hands of a Being that can handle my epic failure. i'm done guessing. i'm done deciphering. i'm done deciding. i'm free and open and willing. heart, body, mind, and soul. God: make me, mold me, mature me... no more plans, only You.

k10 :)

the verge.

We stand on the verge of something great... In order to continue on, we must strain forward, not linger behind. We look ahead and see mountains and valleys and oceans and decide that maybe ahead is a little too rough. We glance behind and see pretty faces and rolling hills and calm meadows. So many people make it to this verge, this chasm, this beginning and turn around. Why? Because there is difficulty, strife, challenge, adventure, tears, and pain to be had... But what does the past lend you? THE SAME THINGS. Pressing onward you discover that in and amongst the pain is healing. The tears, joy. The adventure, calm. The challenge, rest. The strife, victory. And the difficulty, ease.

Last night, I gave up a great job, with great youth and a great opportunity... for what? For the verge... I am now looking ahead to see a challenge beyond any I have ever experienced. Only time will tell the success or failure, but all I know is God called. This is the first time in my life I decided to go with the impossible instead of the practical. I simply and finally chose God's way instead of my own. It was easier than I thought, but then again, I'm not in Africa yet. Saying goodbye to beautiful faces and wonderful experiences was HARD. But that's what I expected. I don't believe in the warm fuzzy sugar-coated Gospel. That's not the truth. Jesus warned of persecution and strife! And yes, he also told us of great things to come when we chose the way of the Gospel, but he didn't forget to mention REALITY. The world will despise, people will persecute, and it's not always rainbows and butterflies.

To live for the now is not to forget the past, but to make sure not to live in it. It's so easy to remember and hold on to what we used to have instead of looking at what God has for us now. Blaze a new trail! I am excited for the next chapter in my life, but for a moment look back with a heavy heart as I put the finishing touches on this previous chapter. I will forge ahead, but I will never forget.

-Kristen