clarity.

"I worry, I weigh three times my body 
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain 
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's 

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to"  

-John Mayer

Who ever thought that I would find myself quoting John Mayer on my blog? Random. Nevertheless, I find so much truth in his lyrics. Clarity is something so fleeting. It comes and go, but that's how it is meant to be. Undeniable and continuous clarity is impossible to achieve on this earth. It is eternal. You must seek God to find your clarity. With clarity though, comes peace. And with clarity comes reward. How great does it feel when you know you are doing something right?

Clarity is fleeting... I believe God made it so. The longer it takes you to trust Him and follow when He calls, the less He will entrust you. In the Bible, Jesus didn't wait around when He told people to follow Him. It was a now or never sort of thing. I think we could learn a lot from this example. Now or never. Which do you prefer?

Why am I so enthralled by clarity? Well, I have the opportunity to be the youth pastor of a church. Yes, the actual youth pastor. It's frightening, I know. In this time of my life though, it felt impossible to know what God really wanted. Lucky for me though, I finally decided to seek Christ. I guess it's not really luck, it's more like obvious logic. For weeks I have claimed to be "seeking Christ," but just a few days ago realized I was merely seeking answers. Christ is not answers. He is love. He is grace. He is the way and technically THE answer. I needed to seek His face and His character before I would be granted the clarity I so desired. It's not a hard task; it's just the difference in saying and doing. Like those times you say, "yeah, I'll pray about that." Well, this time I actually prayed. Easy? Yes. Do you always get unquestionable clarity? No. But that just means God wants to grow and prepare you more. Or hey, being entrusted with a decision is a huge undertaking, and if God is grating you the gift of choice, by all means - CHOOSE!

For now I feel that God has brought to me a moment of unclouded thoughts and unscaled eyes. One of the first times in my life, I have been granted this wonderful gift. Good things come to those who wait. Good things come to those who seek. And good things come to those in God's time. Man, He is GOOD.

k10

Proverbs 16:9

However much I don't want to 

admit it, I have a lot to learn. If my mom knew how to work a computer and somehow discovered the mechanics of the internet, and then read my previous sentence, she would either be proud or would just die from shock. 

I have been reading this book by A.J. Jacobs called "The Year of Living Biblically." I highly recommend it... but I only referenced that book to talk about one of his other books called "Know-It-All." I have never read it, but my mom and closest friends would definitely say I wrote it. He reads the entire Encyclopedia Britannica in an effort to legitimately become a scholar-proclaimed know-it-all (as opposed to self-proclaimed). Over the past few days, I have settled back in to Spanish Fort and my usual dwelling, and frightfully enough I have too much time to think. In this case though, I feel my thinking is really paying off. With most normal people, thinking would always pay-off, but with me there is a lot of illegitimate mental activity, which leads to know-it-allism and over-thinking. In my short time back here in Spanish Fort, I have deduced that I can no longer really know ANYTHING. 

In sixth months time, I have been riding a spiritual and emotional roller-coaster. Everything that should have happened didn't happen (or at least didn't happen in a timely fashion) and everything that I thought would never happen, definitely did. All that said, I have been trusting the world and people with my time and effort. God knows I learn lessons the hard way, so patience has been an on-going curriculum in my life. I could safely say that's the case for at least 90% of Americans. I JUST WANT TO KNOW!! If there are five open doors God, which one do I choose?? If there are no open doors God, do I force one open?? Is there a key?? Do you think I may have gone too far with this metaphor?? Well, you catch my drift... 

Opportunities have come and gone. Some opportunities seem inviting on the outside, but with further observation, it's clear that God would not want me there. Geeeeez, so what do I do?? Wait? That word sucks. I hate waiting for my Pop-tarts to toast, let alone waiting for my life to play out. But you know what... cold Pop-tarts suck. Just think of the difference three minutes can make. Warm and ooie gooie or cold and hard. If we wait and hold out for the right moment, the right job, the right guy, everything is warm and ooie gooie... metaphorically speaking. But yeah, that involves waiting.

In times like this I always go back to this verse I found in Proverbs three years ago. The story is: I had read Proverbs about five times; I love it. But never before had this verse stuck-out to me... It was just the right day, the right time, the right mindset. 

"The man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:9

How many times have you tried to plan your own course and then shoved God aside, and said, hey let me determine those steps too. The Lord allows us the opportunity to dream and envision a life for ourselves, aka - the course. But the Lord will guide the steps. Without His guidance, we end up in briars somewhere, way away from the flock. I think it's one of Andy Stanley's sermons from Northpointe that talks about the "bypass." Yeah, awesome, it looks shorter, but God is definitely telling you to go the long way. Well, surely God wouldn't take me the long way!! I'm going to take the bypass... What happens?? You end up in traffic, there's a toll, and it takes more time and aggravation to get to the same destination. Sometimes it might be faster, but it's not less frustrating. God has YOUR best intentions in mind, never forget that.

Sadly, this mindless rambling helps me gather my thoughts... now isn't that a paradox. Continue to pray for me as I seek to find where God truly wants me. Mmmmm, warm Pop-tarts. Remember.

k10    

the ranch

Well, I graduated from college. Yep. It's real. It's real life and it's real scary (really, for those of you who are English majors and are very annoyed when people remove the -ly from adverbs). I know I talk a lot about reflecting on my life, but I am legitimately at the pinnacle point of life reflection. I also am at one of the most breathtakingly gorgeous places I have ever seen (well, it at least ranks in the top ten). It is a ranch in Sherman, TX, near Dallas. The green rolling hills, the still pristine lakes, the muddy 4-wheeler trails, the vast expanse of blue sky, the solemn chapel, the beautiful songs of local birds, the cross - dressed in white - atop the highest peak, a blanket of clouds only allowing the sun's rays to peek through... peace in all its splendor. It's easy to think around here. You just can't help it.

Today we arrived and immediately hopped on 4-wheelers. It was amazing to just ride free in the hills: the mud slapping my face, the thrill of a wide-open engine, and the adrenaline rush as I took a turn going 30 mph, the ground threatening to claim my fall. I haven't felt that way in a long time... I used to feel that way every time I caught a great wave, but it's been a while since I have gone surfing. I consider reckless 4-wheeler driving a blessing from God. My point in writing tonight wasn't to talk about my ATV adventures, but instead to talk about how God is working in my life...

After all of us got back to the house from our escapades, I decided to go for a run. While riding around we discovered that one of the higher peaks had a beautiful vintage 

wooden cross overlooking the countryside. It was adorned with a white sheet and a crown of thorns. The view from this height was absolutely astounding. In light of this, I was going to trek up to that hillside in particular and ponder. I knew this journey was most likely going to be difficult, specifically remembering my 4-wheeler struggling up a lot of the hillsides, but nevertheless I was up for the challenge.

A few minutes into my run, I realized how ridiculous an idea this was. Panting, I made it up the first "mountain." Two more to go. It was a grueling hike up the second, but I finally made it to the third and most wanted hill after 15 minutes of sheer pain. The cross was in sight at this point. I began my ascent, and just as I suspected, my body began begging me to quit. Eyes fixed on the cross and my goal, I carried on. Half way there... A few more yards... A few more feet... Finished. In high school, I ran cross country, and usually about 2 miles into the race, you get to the "quitting" point. Basically, it's that point where you have absolutely no energy left and your mind can choose to overpower your physical self to continue on and finish the race, or you can just give in to what your body is telling you. I love mind over matter - it's symbolic to conquering the flesh. If I got to the point where my mind was having a hard time convincing my body, I would picture the cross, the crucifixion, the agony, Christ's death. I know it seems morbid, but the cross was meant to remind us and to encourage us. He endured so much more on the cross; I can finish this race.

So as I approach the cross, relief spreads over my body as I feel the ground level out. I did it. I'm not one to stop and smell the roses during a run, so it was strange that I just felt the need to stop and stare. Hands on my hips, examining the earth down below, I felt like the king of the 

world (or at least like Simba in reference to a conversation with Mufasa - "everything the light touches"). I sat down in front of the cross and comfort permeated. I rested my head on a nice patch of grass and closed my eyes. I have never felt so relaxed in my life. I'm beginning to think that God knew exactly what I needed. A vacation. Not just to get out of town, but to get out of life, get out of thought, get out of expectations... I couldn't help but think of the symbolism in all of this. Pressing on toward our goal (the cross) might be a hard and painful task. Relief comes when we reach the top. There we find ultimate peace and unmatched beauty. There we bask in glory. Not our own, but His glory.

I know in my time of reflection and change, I doubt, fear, and run. I hope that I can stop looking for answers to questions I already know, and rest assured. Literally, rest. Stop and smell the roses once in a while - it might bring you peace beyond your understanding.

.kristen.