Back at it.

Sometimes I go through long periods of no writing. Call it a drought, call it the wilderness, call it whatever, it's always a challenging time. Usually these times coincide with a particular struggle or growing pain. You would think the hardest of times would bring the most journal & lyrical inspiration, but my reaction to difficulties tends to be avoidance. I avoid God. I avoid writing. I avoid people that will tell me what I need to hear. I avoid all good things. It's not fair to anyone, myself included, but it's especially not fair to God.

Avoidance has been a comfortable coping mechanism of mine since I can remember, but lo: I'm turning over a new leaf! My attempt in the next few weeks leading up to Europe will be to write. To read. To reflect. I can't expect to continue growing or for things to begin to change unless I do something. For me that may mean more writing, more singing, more reading, more time to just process & breathe. Oh, so much more time to breathe. A lot of my life is just spent surviving & it should be spent living to the fullest! This confusion is caused by living out of my own well, & not living out of the abundant well that Christ offers us.

I prayed for more faith opportunities in January & as they came, I felt as though I started out strong, but here I am now, a little lost & a little wounded. Part of this wound lies in the deep isolation I burdened myself with last year. We blame everyone else for feelings of isolation, when the true cause is believing lies. Sure, people will leave, things will change, but you always have a choice of what you do & how you feel after the fact. Pick yourself up or put yourself right back down into the Pit. Your choice.

God surely woke me up to my own self-induced isolation a couple months ago. He begged the question in an intense prayer time, "Who knows you here (meaning Mobile)? Kristen, you believe in community & vulnerability, then who have you been truly vulnerable with?" Good question God... Truthfully? No one. That's a sad little bit of information. Fear of depth of relationship has left me from sharing too much & in turn left me from actually sharing life with anyone.

It's harder to say goodbye & leave after two years, than after just one. Yeah, well, it's always gonna be hard to say goodbye, no matter when or where. Grieving has to & will happen, which I hate. But that's a selfish mindset. Who cares if I hate goodbyes: I love God & I love people more.

This is my declaration & time to turn over this new leaf, to start afresh. It all begins right now, in this moment, in these words. The initiative is taken & the time is now. God have your way. Live, change, move & make...

I am ready.
I am here.
You know me best.

-Kristen