Wrecked by love

I tried to write a song tonight. In my heartache and excess of emotions, I wanted cry out. Long story short, I failed. There are so many thoughts and ideas swimming around in my head the past few weeks, and now I have to drown in them; shrouded by the silence of my empty apartment. These thoughts become my nemesis... We bicker, we war, we hate. In the end, however boldly and adamantly I fought, I always lose. Welcome to another night alone with Kristen's thoughts. It's a frightening place to be.

I can safely say that the past three weeks have lifted and crushed my dreams. In a moment, I feel restored, refreshed, renewed, and I round the corner of 24 hours, and everything falls apart. I probably could do the world a favor by never having a good day... or week... or year. Because immediately following this "good" time is pain, sorrow, and destruction. Now I can't fully pin the blame on myself for every hurt surrounding my life and those around me, but it's an awful coincidence.

Images continue to creep into my mind from a place 6 years ago... Suddenly she's gone... Too soon... Unfair... Bitterness... Been there done that. But now I have new eyes to see a new day. Whether I think something is fair or right or "how it should be," God can change everything. In just one year, Nancy changed my life. Imagine what she did with all her other years, weeks, days, seconds. Pouting and sulking isn't going to do any good for her legacy that lives in me. Mourning is a different thing... I can miss her, but I can't just wish her back. If I sit around dwelling on the fact she isn't here, I'm going to miss a moment to share the love that she implanted in me.

This life is a fleeting vapor, a brief glimpse into eternity. I hope to use every moment like it's my last. I hope to love and live as Nancy did, resting in the knowledge of her Lord and Savior. If I had the faith that she did in her pinky finger, then things could be different... If every life she touched chose to pick up their own cross diligently and faithfully, then we would see a world WRECKED by love. Wrecked in a sense that everyone has to realize their brokenness to realize their need for Christ. God wreck my life... Allow me to wreck other's lives with a message of love... A message of love that was once translated to me through a hug, a laugh, a smile, and a story.

Her love became her legacy. Nancy Demus lives on inside of me.

-k10

Jamaica

2nd Corinthians 11:30 - "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."

2nd Corinthians 12:9 - "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Exhaustion. My mom said it best on the phone this morning: "You just never stop GOING." And she's right. But sometimes I wonder if the things I'm called to will not allow for a lengthy period of time to rest. Restlessness: to constantly keep striving & searching. You can have rest in God without actually being "at rest" (in the physical sense of the word). God ultimately gives us rest in other ways. If there's no time to slow down, then God will find ways for you to be filled & renewed, maybe while doing something you love.

I absolutely love worship. It's my heart, & more than that, it's my soul. This week I am in Jamaica on what would appear to the outsiders perspective as an exhausting mission trip. But really for me it's a worshipful reprieve from the drone of everyday life. I am surrounded by people who love God & love to worship. Now that's my cup o' tea. Life may never truly slow down, we just have to learn what REST really is.

Rest is different for everyone. Some people need more alone time/"at rest" time than others. Lifting up my voice tonight with a hundred Jamaican brothers & sisters is plenty of rest for me this week. The presence of God is visible in those times. We connect with each other - soul to soul - & God joins the party. I pray for an open heart & open mind & more importantly: REST - in its truest form. We need to look for those things that fill us. Those things that bring us rest. We need to hang on to those things & practice them often.

..::in my weakness, He is made strong::..

-Kristen