Kristen René

ballad for the unemployed: plans

2010-11-18T02:49:00.005-05:00

insomnia brings about the greatest thoughts... or so it seems. this is a ballad for the unemployed: woe is us. we want, we waste, and we wither. ok, i'm kidding, but seriously, who knew how hard all of this would be? i mean, yeah, God warned me and prepped me, but there's only so much words can do to describe real life. we learn that each and every day, when our words fall short to express how much we love someone. there was a part of me that hoped this would be better than what i had before. it's proving to be much of the same, just different.

my thoughts run to after Africa. i know we are to stay away from those regions, but my mind can't help but wander. what am i going to do? this has been asked of me at least 3 times this weekend. my answer: you tell me. i'm gonna wait. just like every other circumstance in my life, i will wait. seems that every fiber of me is waiting for something... like life is on pause or slow motion or something (and of course we lost the remote).

oftentimes, i wish God had just called me to simplicity. to normal. to redundant. go to school, get a job, get married, family, retirement, death... la de da. but then i give myself a nice big kick in the pants: this is what you prayed for Kristen. this is what you hoped for so long ago when you were young and you felt different. you felt called to something wild. literally and metaphorically. Africa was emblazoned on my heart so many years ago, undeniably. so there flew normalcy out the window...

it's not bad, it's just hard. it's hard to watch all my friends lead their normal, textbook lives, as mine appears to crumble and confuse. then i think about Paul. plans? what did he think his life was gonna look like, when all the sudden he was staring at a stone cold cell wall? how about when he was killing christians? did he think he would one day be the most influential writer in the new testament? plans... created things and yet so fleeting.

"A man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

who are we? human. so why do we try to orchestrate things anyways? have you looked around to see what we do to each other when left to our own devices? we destroy, degrade, deprave. so it would make sense to unload my life into the hands of a Being that can handle my epic failure. i'm done guessing. i'm done deciphering. i'm done deciding. i'm free and open and willing. heart, body, mind, and soul. God: make me, mold me, mature me... no more plans, only You.

k10 :)

the verge.

2010-11-01T10:05:00.002-04:00

We stand on the verge of something great... In order to continue on, we must strain forward, not linger behind. We look ahead and see mountains and valleys and oceans and decide that maybe ahead is a little too rough. We glance behind and see pretty faces and rolling hills and calm meadows. So many people make it to this verge, this chasm, this beginning and turn around. Why? Because there is difficulty, strife, challenge, adventure, tears, and pain to be had... But what does the past lend you? THE SAME THINGS. Pressing onward you discover that in and amongst the pain is healing. The tears, joy. The adventure, calm. The challenge, rest. The strife, victory. And the difficulty, ease.

Last night, I gave up a great job, with great youth and a great opportunity... for what? For the verge... I am now looking ahead to see a challenge beyond any I have ever experienced. Only time will tell the success or failure, but all I know is God called. This is the first time in my life I decided to go with the impossible instead of the practical. I simply and finally chose God's way instead of my own. It was easier than I thought, but then again, I'm not in Africa yet. Saying goodbye to beautiful faces and wonderful experiences was HARD. But that's what I expected. I don't believe in the warm fuzzy sugar-coated Gospel. That's not the truth. Jesus warned of persecution and strife! And yes, he also told us of great things to come when we chose the way of the Gospel, but he didn't forget to mention REALITY. The world will despise, people will persecute, and it's not always rainbows and butterflies.

To live for the now is not to forget the past, but to make sure not to live in it. It's so easy to remember and hold on to what we used to have instead of looking at what God has for us now. Blaze a new trail! I am excited for the next chapter in my life, but for a moment look back with a heavy heart as I put the finishing touches on this previous chapter. I will forge ahead, but I will never forget.

-Kristen

23 and fall.

2010-09-22T00:25:00.003-04:00

there's a sort of spirit in the air as fall approaches. the leaves begin to change color, the grass withers, the flowers fade. an eerie solemnness settles all around. we miss the warmth of the sun, but crave the warmth of a hearth. you look back for a moment, then look forward to: crisp days and early nights, scarfs and hot coffee, oranges and browns. we welcome change quarterly. we cannot control or really complain. seasons are a part of life. as are our own spiritual seasons and generational seasons.

there is a time for change, growth, flourishing, vibrancy. there is a time for stagnancy, regression, dying, dullness. the terrain of a spiritual journey should be mountainous... ups and downs. twists and turns. surrounded by glory and inherent beauty all along the way... it's no wonder that we feel closest to God when we literally reach the top of a summit. it's precisely how our lives were meant to be lived. in the valleys and at the tippy top. smooth and rough. narrow and broad. it's an adventure.

you embark each and every day. maybe you reach the top in one and stumble to the bottom in another, but the story is being told and a trail is being blazed.

23. it's a number. it's a couple decades. it's an age. marriage, children, college, career. expectations come with the number. for once i'm beginning to realize, it's not worth my thoughts. to dwell in such sorrow and loss, looking back on days long since past, would be a waste. i am here. i am now. i am more than a number. defined by the range of God's love in my life. from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs, He was there.

as i feel that first cool breeze of fall, i will honor my Creator. another season of change... another heart to be filled... another road less travelled. a journey simply begins with the first step. step one: today.

-k10

poem - 7/24/10

2010-07-31T19:34:00.005-04:00

I found this today and it made me smile... written for me by a dear friend. You know who you are:

mountains green

trees so tall

colorful houses

children so small

dirty hands

smudged faces

bright sun

most beautiful places

nicaragua.

gbly,

today's the day!

2010-07-26T05:38:00.003-04:00

As I gaze at the rising sun, I can feel impending doom... Well, impending life I guess, but if you add the fear, it just feels like a lot of doom. I know what I need to do, and it all seems so simple, yet so impossible.

I felt God urge me last night to wake up for the sunrise... I've seen many a sunrise, but I guess there was something special about this one, today, right now, that He wanted me to see. There is a cloud stretching across the sky, oddly illuminated unlike any other cloud. Brought to light only in this moment... for a short moment. It's majesty reflected from the sun. The cloud cannot bring glory to itself. It is merely a vessel, a mirror, a beacon to magnify a glory that already exists.

This is precisely who we are in Christ. Our inner glory is brought to sight only through the light of Him. More often than not, we are shown dull and lifeless, pressing on day to day in the normal drone and flow of the world. But there are times when we truly allow Christ to shine through us and illuminate life and peace and joy. It's as gorgeous and powerful as a sunrise. Yes, a sunrise by the sun itself is beautiful, but some of the best sunrises I've seen to date are the best, because of the surrounding clouds. Clouds brought to life and light. A generation brought to life and light.

God is about to move in me BIG time... my life is about to change; HECK, my life is about to begin. The first step out is always the hardest, and so many times we don't even get past the first step. I envy Peter and his faith enough to leap out of the boat and begin his walk on water to Jesus. What do you think was running through his head when he first looked out at the Lord and the crashing waves separating them?? Fear. Doubt. All was wiped away as he kept his eyes fixed on Jesus, and he swung his leg over the side of the boat. His first step. He only began to sink when he removed his eyes; when he lost sight; when he feared and doubted.

God, I pray that you illuminate my life -- allow me to bring and shine your glory and majesty! And more than anything, give me strength enough to take that first step out of the boat... the first step in this wild adventure... the first step into the unknown.

And as I said about a week ago -- this is ONLY the beginning...

4th work day.

2010-07-22T21:30:00.003-04:00

So today was interesting. Frustrating. Exhausting. As we arrived into San José up in the mountains of Matagalpa, things were looking up. It was our last work day, so all the dental equipment would need to get on the bus in the afternoon. Everyday we had walked a little over a mile to get to the community... bags and all, depending on the day. But because God had help back the rain ALL week (during the "rainy" season) it was dry enough for the bus to make it all the way into town! Praise the Lord! It was also a big day for us with VBS. All week we had been warring with the Pastor in San José to let us use some sort of facilities for our little activity, and all week he had turned us down. Monday, they basically kicked us out of the church!

Well, today we arrive expecting to use the school for VBS, a dental hygiene presentation, and to serve the kids lunch. Come to find out, when we were said yes to the day before, they actually meant no. Frantically, Fide (the team house mom & wonderful help to us all week) tried to find out if we could use the church (which is NOT what I wanted to do, considering our luck on Monday). It was 9:15 am... we had the church until 10:15 am -- so began "speed VBS!" Grateful for the opportunity to have any building, we sped through and in an hour finished the craft, dental presentation, and fed the kids! I was also reminded of the story of the "loaves and fishes" from the new testament. With OVER a hundred kids, and not enough food it seemed as though the food just kept appearing. Every child got something, even if it was just half a sandwich, including children that had just jumped in line from school letting out!

With spirit's high and a ghetto duct tape bandage for the blister on my hand, the rest of the VBS crew and I journeyed up the hill to construction. We were tired. HANDS DOWN, dog-tired. This would be our fourth day shoveling cement. Muscles ached, blisters stung, and booted feet throbbed. But there's no rest for the weary! As soon as we arrived it was time to make more concrete and more concrete... and more concrete. Just as it seemed and felt as though we might die, the sun hid behind the clouds... a cool breeze began to blow and four other people showed up to switch off shoveling and give us a break! The body of Christ at work and in perfect harmony. Lightening each others loads and bearing each others burdens. Literally. Even stubborn ol' me put down the shovel for a minute.

It was about time to let people love and help me. A special lesson God has been trying to teach me my whole life. My thorn... the bane of my existence. It was a beautiful freedom to let go of that shovel, because I did more than rest my weary body; I finally rested my weary soul. God has a funny way of prepping us for what's to come. A couple weeks ago I wrote a song called "Find Rest." In a special way, I found rest in Nicaragua... with the release of a shovel. With the acceptance of a helping hand. With the cool breeze on my face.

Find Rest:

Rest my soul, I'm weary Lord

Burdened by the weight of the world, the weight of my life

Rest my heart, I'm heavy Lord

Weighed down by all of my sin, all of my shame

And I will wait when the wind blows

And I will wait through the fire

And I will wait when the earth is shaking

I'll hear You whisper... You'll say:

'Find rest my child.

Find rest my own.

Find rest my love.

Find rest in me here... find rest.'

You have calmed the storms in my life

You have called me home into Your arms

And I am found in You and in Your grace

And I'll find rest... again.

**Let this be my prayer**

the third day.

2010-07-21T21:30:00.003-04:00

Verses to think about: Hebrews 13:2 & Matthew 25:34-45

So I was able to share my heart with the team this morning and give the devotion. Before I gave the devo, I played the song "All Who Are Thirsty," which I truly believe is my life song right now. Let God refresh you - whoever you are! Let the pain and the sorrow be washed away in the waves of His mercy! Wow. Story of my life. We are all God's children, and we are all presented with life and refuge in Him. No matter where we are, who we are, and when we are.

I love the idea of a clay pot, a clay figure - in view of God's will for us. First, think back to second grade when you made that oh so unattractive bowl for mom. What did she do with it? Regardless of it's aesthetic value, it was a prize. It was loved, cherished, and immediately appreciated. And when it fell or broke, she pieced it back together, perfect in its own brokenness and scars. She loved this bit of your creation, because she LOVED the creator (you).

It's just like our lives in Christ. Each one of us is a glimpse at our beautiful Creator. Each human is their own dumpy, struggling clay pot. Each human deserves that dignity and love. Yes, deserves. It's not earned by wealth or reputation - It's gifted by sacrifice. In no way can we decide how much love someone receives. Besides, we shouldn't worry and ask "how much," we should just implore God for opportunities to love more!

I also love the concept of clay in thinking about God's work in us... ever forming and reforming... firing and refiring... painting and repainting... breaking and rebreaking... gluing and regluing... We are in a constant state of change or growth. Never finished. Just as Jesus' ministry was never and will never be truly finished... that ministry and message lives on in us. We never truly "finish" impacting people. It's all God in the end! We should try to look more and more to the body of Christ and how we work together with Jesus to build a ministry. Not how we can finish it!

The beauty of Christianity is that it's organic, alive, ever-moving, always changing, and never EVER finished. God called us to be world changers... not the Omega. That's His job.

Second work day.

2010-07-20T21:30:00.001-04:00

Perspective. Change of perspective.

When we begin to see through God's eyes, we actually can see. See for the first time. See people for who they are not what they are. Today was one of those days -- a day to see beyond ourselves. When you have shoveled so much cement and emptied your boots of sweat twice, you begin to see a new world, new attitude, new hope. It's not about the things you can find to complain about (like the blister on your hand or your sore feet), because there will always be something. But it's the reason you've received your wounds.

I once knew a man who was wounded for people He loved... without condition He loved them all. And He has the scars to prove that love. I will wear boldly my aches and scars in honor of love and sacrifice! Just as my Savior once did for me. It's all worth it to see a smiling face... beaming with true happiness. A happiness free of the corruption of wealth and prosperity. A pure innocent happiness that inspires change. Jesus shines through in the face of those that need... "For whatever you do for the least of these, you have done for me..."

We are the only ones that can do what God has called us to do. Why wait and hope that someone else will take care of it?

Do now, think later...

First work day.

2010-07-19T21:00:00.004-04:00

It's nothing like mixing cement that reminds you of your blessings. We are laying the foundation to someone's house in San Hosé (an impoverished community in Matagalpa). A house that might be the size of a kitchen in an American home. But regardless of the size or quality, it will be a shelter, a haven, a home. I can't help but think about the verse in Matthew about the "city on a hill":

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden... In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

This house can shine as a beacon of God's love. Hope for a new day... new life. It is inspiring to work along side a while community to build not only foundations, but to build unity and strength. Seeing a 10 year old carry a bag of dirt that's bigger than them is inspiration enough.

Today we also did a craft with the kids in VBS that had to do with God's ability to protect and heal us. It is always something I can be reminded of, especially after Nancy's death. It would be easy to look at things and say God can't heal, and He can't handle my issues or pains or hurts. But the fact is, He can and does! He heals and guides beyond our primitive, provincial knowledge. He's always working on the heart and soul. The deepest places in us.

I thank God for humbling moments like today, where I remember my need and humanness. It wouldn't be a mission trip without a little dose of humility! "In humility, I can see. What You want me to be. All of You is all of me."

grace like rain:

2010-07-18T16:00:00.002-04:00

Took on new meaning as we listened to the actual rain drop on the mountainside... the fresh smell, the cool breeze, the soothing rhythm, the natural cleansing; refreshing the land.

Now on to the idea of grace: as it pours it restores, cleanses, refreshes... changes the recipient in inside and out. Allows for new growth. Allows for a FRESH start... a new soul.

I've never actually compared grace and rain until the pitter patter began this afternoon. It's such a beautiful idea: not just coined by Todd Agnew. I believe we were meant to understand grace this way. God places concepts of His love and grace that we are meant to understand only in view of creation. We as created learn from creation. You catch a glimpse of yourself and the Creator in the beautiful things around you...

grace... rain... spiritual... physical... it's all God.

El Domingo

2010-07-18T10:30:00.004-04:00

We're here in Matagalpa. In worship with the people of this city. I can't help but think of the way church should be, the way God's love really works. Living in unity with Christians hundreds of miles away.

Very few of us on the team actually speak Spanish, but love knows no bounds. It speaks beyond language barriers. It speaks directly to the heart and looks past the colors, the accents, the flaws, the differences. It is not "our team" and "them" -- it's us. Rob Bell says in his book "Sex God," that until we start appreciating and honoring creation, we will never be able to appreciate and honor the Creator. Creation directly reflects the Creator!!

We are all children, all human, all deserving or undeserving equally. Same mission, same love, same grace. I pray that God gives me more of His sight; His eyes to see brokenness; to see the hell and darkness around the world. I long to bring heaven and light... in God's name.

Hebrews 10:23-25 - We are called to each other. We are called to lift and edify. Ww are called to live by Truth and preach that, even when it might not be the comfortable or easy thing to do. WE have a God of impossible not practical. Start believing that...

Happy Sunday!

sunset from a plane:

2010-07-17T23:59:00.004-04:00

It's like being on top of the world and experiencing God's splendor in its fullness. Well, we can never truly experience God's fullness, but sometimes you get that tiny glimpse of heaven through a plane window or an orphan's smile. God is constantly reminding us of what we have to look forward to and what we can bring to earth.

"His kingdom come on earth, as it is in heaven."

We can become heaven... We are messengers. The redeemed. We pick up our crosses to join the trek to Calvary. It's not an easy burden to bear. The road will be littered with blood, sweat, tears, and persecution, but we know the ultimate joy and relationship that comes with following Him. And it's soooo worth it. There's absolutely nothing else so worthy. So beautiful.

The oranges, reads, golds, blues of a sunset remind me that I'm not alone, I'm not my own, and I'm already home... at least in my heart.

...and I'll rest assured in my Savior's embrace!!

Nicaragua.

2010-07-17T21:25:00.003-04:00

Things have been a little crazy to say the least. It's times like these, I forget to remember myself. Not in a selfish way, but in a normal healthy one. A way that allows for growth and stability. All I have right now is digression and chaos. Sometimes I try to think how to fix it, but I quickly realize that it's no simple fix.

I NEED to be in Africa. My heart is already there... I find myself getting lost in my thoughts and memories of South Africa. I have to remind myself that it's "not yet!" Live for today, for the now. Don't think about tomorrow, because tomorrow will become yesterday, and yesterday is too late!

As I prepare my mind for the week ahead, I can't help but think about how unprepared I am, but that's how it should be. No time to think about or conjure up expectations. No time to anticipate... that's all I do is think, dwell, ponder... There's a saying, "The farthest distance between you and God is 18 inches: the distance between your heart and your head." So "thinking" is a dangerous thing for me, especially right this moment! A dangerous thing that I do too much. I'm excited to see what God is going to do in the next week, and I'm not going to try and define it or limit God. He doesn't belong in the box that I shut Him in...

It's time to break free and let go. I feel there will be a lot more to this process in the weeks to come.

This is just the beginning...

Wrecked by love

2010-06-29T23:38:00.003-04:00

I tried to write a song tonight. In my heartache and excess of emotions, I wanted cry out. Long story short, I failed. There are so many thoughts and ideas swimming around in my head the past few weeks, and now I have to drown in them; shrouded by the silence of my empty apartment. These thoughts become my nemesis... We bicker, we war, we hate. In the end, however boldly and adamantly I fought, I always lose. Welcome to another night alone with Kristen's thoughts. It's a frightening place to be.

I can safely say that the past three weeks have lifted and crushed my dreams. In a moment, I feel restored, refreshed, renewed, and I round the corner of 24 hours, and everything falls apart. I probably could do the world a favor by never having a good day... or week... or year. Because immediately following this "good" time is pain, sorrow, and destruction. Now I can't fully pin the blame on myself for every hurt surrounding my life and those around me, but it's an awful coincidence.

Images continue to creep into my mind from a place 6 years ago... Suddenly she's gone... Too soon... Unfair... Bitterness... Been there done that. But now I have new eyes to see a new day. Whether I think something is fair or right or "how it should be," God can change everything. In just one year, Nancy changed my life. Imagine what she did with all her other years, weeks, days, seconds. Pouting and sulking isn't going to do any good for her legacy that lives in me. Mourning is a different thing... I can miss her, but I can't just wish her back. If I sit around dwelling on the fact she isn't here, I'm going to miss a moment to share the love that she implanted in me.

This life is a fleeting vapor, a brief glimpse into eternity. I hope to use every moment like it's my last. I hope to love and live as Nancy did, resting in the knowledge of her Lord and Savior. If I had the faith that she did in her pinky finger, then things could be different... If every life she touched chose to pick up their own cross diligently and faithfully, then we would see a world WRECKED by love. Wrecked in a sense that everyone has to realize their brokenness to realize their need for Christ. God wreck my life... Allow me to wreck other's lives with a message of love... A message of love that was once translated to me through a hug, a laugh, a smile, and a story.

Her love became her legacy. Nancy Demus lives on inside of me.

-k10

Judgment

2010-05-27T00:34:00.004-04:00

As a Christian, I am listed on the top most judgmental people, regardless of how truly judgmental I am. It's not a proper account of activity, but simply the association. We give ourselves a bad reputation - let's be real. You may not judge more than the next person, but the fact is, we hold ourselves to a higher standard that we openly preach to the world. Falter from that standard, and persecuting eyes will take note. Although, there are the token many that blatantly judge and criticize in an attempt to "love" on the heathens. Mother Teresa once said, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." This quote absolutely sums up my thoughts the past few days...

Monday, I was leaving for lunch. I had planned to leave and be at lunch on time for once, so I was walking out to my car. I climbed in and quickly began to start and reverse, when a woman scuffles up to my window. I didn't put any descriptive words in front of woman, because honestly, I'm ashamed of the words I did think. I mean, you can only imagine... I judged her. My mind was so set on myself and my need to get to lunch that I didn't even listen to a word she said the first time she spoke to me. But all of the sudden, God broke my heart. He gently whispered, "Kristen, what are you doing? Isn't it the sick that need a doctor? The hungry that need food? This daughter of Mine that needs a ride? Who do you think you are?? You are my daughter just the same, and you would EXPECT someone to save you... Right?" My heart ached as I realized my own poverty... Poverty in Spirit and in Love.

I immediately opened my calloused heart and ears. Fifteen minutes later, I had dropped off my new friend Tina, and made it to lunch 7 minutes late. 7 minutes. That's how much time it takes for me to forget my Call, my Gift, my God. As I listened to her life in the short car ride there, I couldn't help but hurt for her. Life isn't fair, but Tina said it so perfectly: "you gotta work with the cards that you were dealt." When she climbed out of the car and thanked me, I responded, "It was nice to meet you Tina, and good luck with everything." She hesitated, and for a moment I saw light in a place of darkness. No one had ever remembered or cared to ask her name... She felt like a person for a second, not a beggar or a national parasite (as many ultra-conservative Americans might label). She was Tina, the beautiful creation of God, and I wanted her to feel that.

I may never see Tina again... Or maybe I will. Maybe on another hot day in July, I will have the privilege of hanging out with Tina again. I will ask about her life, and if things are better. I will rebuke all judgement. I will love her as Jesus did.

Mother Teresa chose to mingle with the destitute, depraved and diseased. To her, those words were selfish labels. She was in the presence of royalty: children of a righteous King, a gracious Ruler, and a holy Prince. "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." Let's call it the 7 minute challenge - How much time are you willing to give up in order to love people?? Answer: my life. Wholly. Completely. Surrendered.

It's called sacrifice... I once knew a guy who did the same thing for me. He lived a life in all knowledge that every day could be His last. He loved beyond time, and left the judging up to His Father.

.kristen.

humbled places.

2010-05-23T23:23:00.003-04:00

So I have come to a realization of sorts this weekend. I'm selfish. I know what you're thinking: "Oh, wow, you just realized that?!" But the fact is, we should daily become aware of our humanness. Awareness brings about brokenness which allows true change. I am human, and I have failed yet again. I don't say that in a negative light. I say it in all confidence that in my weakness and depravity God is made known and made great.

I have been pouting for about a month now about the restlessness in my spirit. POUTING. Most God-fearing people beg to be restless! They beg for a dissatisfied soul, so they will adamantly pursue Christ in every moment. In "seeking" Christ and attempting to find my "right" path, I completely obliterate my faith and trust. It's not about forcing a vision and immediately blazing a trail; it's about listening and shifting perspective and patience.

I even push the Christians around me to preach a dangerous Gospel and live life without PRACTICAL inhibitions. And now here I am eating my words. I really must start paying attention to the words God sends out of my mouth. I clearly have that typical Christian listening problem. Nothing is simple, nothing is easy, nothing is practical. But regardless of the trials, the pain, the impossible, we have a God and a grace that abounds and surrounds. Life hurts, but God heals. Christians think when you give your life over to Christ that things dramatically shift towards perfection. This is not the case... In fact, our lives remain awfully imperfect, but there is Hope. The bad days come, all the same, but purpose protects and restores our heart.

I have decided to be the best disciple, the best youth director, the best daughter/sister, the best friend, the best mentor, the best counselor, the best coworker, the best lover, according to God's call and trajectory. Wherever I am, I am His. He says when, where and how... and I just make the BEST of it.

The pity party has officially ended.

-k10

Poppa's Lullaby

2010-03-30T11:59:00.007-04:00

So lately Life has been giving me a hard time. I realize that most of the time Life has no concern for my well-being, or the many things I have going on, but instead chooses to bombard me at the most inopportune times. Especially, when things seem to be going "well." Life appears to be a calloused jerk, right? So what/who is this Life? Good question.

We oftentimes gauge how our life is going by the things happening in the world around us. The problem with that is we are told to align our lives with the eternal. Not to live with our head in the clouds, but to be conscience of God, who has control. As the world falls apart around us, we may find our faith and hope and joy stronger than ever. When the storms come it is better to submerse ourselves in all things spiritual, not all things physical and tangible.

"Life is love. Life is pain. Life is something WE can't take away. When Life's unbearable, we see God's light. But how can a light dry my eyes??" I wrote these lyrics for a dear sweet friend of mine who passed away long before her time. Mama Yoli. It speaks to the hurt that we feel in loss, but also speaks to the discomfort of faith during those times. We see encouragement in the Word and in God's workings, but all we really want is His embrace. We want to feel... consolation. Life, this world, our pain separates us from truly feeling.

Robert Rupert, my grandfather: a man of his word and a man of God's word. After battling bone cancer for over a year, he decided to finally back down. He now awaits the time that the Lord will call him home. It is a long, slow, excruciating wait. Patience is endangered. You get to a point where you don't want to lose him, but you despise the suffering endured. I found myself lost and torn. Death is something we rejoice in as Christians, but it never fails that we are terrified of it... No one really wants to die.

I wrote my grandfather a song. Just to express a little bit of what, I believe, my whole family is feeling. I had the opportunity to play it for him... I titled it: Poppa's Lullaby.

"Close your eyes,

Sleep a while,

And rest your soul.

In a place, where the grace

Overflows.

Close your eyes,

Sleep all night,

And know He's waiting.

For your heart, to embark

On this journey.

And the pain will fade,

When you find your true peace.

As you rest assured,

In your Savior's embrace.

And with arms wide open,

You will welcome us in.

On that day, we meet you there.

Green pastures, still waters,

In this valley I will walk.

But I will not fear,

For you are near

In my dark.

I am weary, heavy laden,

But He restores my soul.

And calls me home,

Into the whole of His heart.

You will fly on that day when He calls..."

Rest in Him,

kristen

If you would like to hear it: http://virb.com/krupertmusic

A bit o' my heart...

2010-01-11T22:02:00.003-05:00

So it's really true... Reality has set in, and I discovered that I'm back in the states and back to work. I honestly had to hit the ground running. I went in to staff meeting on my day off, and decided to stick around for 2 more hours "to get some work done." What's the matter with me?! And now here I am attempting to keep myself awake at 9 pm to answer the 200 emails that I found lurking in my inbox as I returned home. Now at 9:07, I relieved myself for a minute to think... to remember.

Two days ago I was in South Africa. A lot of people talk about loving a place when they go there, but when I say love, I mean something completely different. I have never felt like I fit in, no matter where I have been. There was always something missing, someone telling me I was special, some restless feeling that wouldn't go away. This week was the first time that all those anxieties were quelled. People loved me for who I was, crazy or not. South Africa is a beautiful place, not just for its scenery, but because of the hearts of the people. Gorgeous. Beyond words, lovely.

So yes, I understand that it might be hard to live in America, especially if my heart resides in South Africa, and many a people have ruined their relationships, their opportunities, and inevitably their lives by setting their thoughts and minds in another place. But I won't make that same mistake. In another sense, there is no way that I can forget and no way that I can't miss the people, the places, the worship, the laughs, the hope, the love. God in His mysterious ways, created and ordained this opportunity. I now have clarity beyond anything I have ever experienced. It is holy.

South Africa, you hold a special place in my heart forever. And for now, jet lag is winning. Sleep is good.

-Kristen

heart.

2009-12-03T11:14:00.002-05:00

So I was thinking about the message for this Sunday at youth. We started a little series called Generation Revolution. Basically, it's some ideas pulled together, because over the years there are things I have realized that are completely necessary to understand in order to live your life like you want to in Christ. Last week we talked about attitude... the mind, and how to revolutionize it to be one with God. This week we are going to talk about heart...

When talking about your mind, you aren't necessarily talking about the organ that is your brain. We are talking about thought-processes and decision-making. So then, when we choose to talk about heart, to what are we referring?? Well, again, we are not talking about the physical organ, but instead your capacity to feel and love. It is how much you truly care.

A lot of us choose to use only a portion of our hearts or to just let our head decide. But a wise word that I remember hearing in high school was - "The farthest distance between you and God is 18 inches... the distance between your heart and your head." I was convicted this morning in an epiphany of sorts. I discovered that I limit the love in my life. I limit love in my life, because fear or doubt or deny. I oftentimes refuse love from someone else, and in turn destroy an opportunity for love to enter a hateful world. God surrounds and drowns us in love and grace... in everything. We choose whether or not we want to accept that. It is very hard to see Christ in moments of pain or strife, because we can't sense beyond our screaming minds. Christ chose to reside in our hearts (remember: our capacity to love and feel), because of this fact we should understand that our heart is the most powerful tool we have on this earth. Beyond just a powerful love... in our hearts resides the power of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

It is actually easier for us to be naive though, right? It rids you of responsibility or guilt. If you opt out of completely accepting, then you haven't truly accepted it yet... Yes, you have denied your own true Savior. It's not about getting bits and pieces of Jesus - it's about being made whole. James talks about this in reference to laws, "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." It is an everyday thing... an every morning thing... an every second thing. Perfection is not required. Surrender is.

I just started reading "The Hole in Our Gospel." How simple is our call? SIMPLE. There's no denying that. The thoughts in our head are complicated, not the message that God has clearly laid out for us. Love Him, and therefore love people. I say "therefore," because it is impossible to love God and not automatically and naturally begin your love and passion for humanity.

Quit living in the dream world inside your head. There's a hurting world around you begging for you to love it. Go. Live. Heart.

Kristen.

The Inglorious Life of a Youth Director

2009-11-03T17:10:00.002-05:00

Not but 10 minutes ago, I was drowning my hands in at least 500 pounds of rotten pumpkin... In that moment, I had a thought: "I love my job." Not what you expected, right?? The life of a youth director is far from glorious. It is sometimes referred to as the hardest ministry position there is. Ignorance would lead us to believe that during our time of service hands will stay clean, and roads will remain unblocked. But this is far from the reality. You will find yourself wallowing in a perpetual mess and fighting an inevitable war with traditions and hearsay.

I don't say these things to rag on one church or deter anyone from taking a position in youth ministry or any ministry affiliate. I simply say these things to explain my leading statement. Burying my hands in a mush of rot wasn't included in my job description. Loading a shopping cart full of festering pumpkins outside the church office, people passed without saying a word. Not that I expected them to say a word, but there was an unspoken apology in their quick glances. In my brief time spent as a youth director, I have realized how much I need God, and how necessary it is to ask for help. I have realized that no question I will have to deal with those situations that everyone tries to avoid. I have realized that the most broken and sometimes self-destructive people are the ones that come searching for love. And it is not my job to turn them away.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, hands down. When I tell people that, they are often surprised. It is also not my job to complain... maybe, that's where the surprise comes. Jesus did those jobs that people didn't want to do, taking great care to do them well. I think of when He washes the disciples feet... How gross. But how utterly selfless. Visiting with lepers... We have a hard time hanging out with people that have hygiene issues, no less flesh eating diseases. I wish I could say that I am that strong, but there are times that I ignore, avoid, whine, and cry. Perfection is not my strong suit. It's not supposed to be. Lucky for us, we are all on the same level and imperfect playing field.

I thank God for my triumphs, my failures, and my rotten pumpkins. It is all here to glorify Him, and therefore becomes my joy. Life would be worth living if we just thought past ourselves. However inglorious, I feel dignified and honored to be serving in the capacity that I do in ministry. If everything was easy, lessons would remain unlearned and people would remain unreachable. Serve outside your limited parameters, and who knows, you might find yourself in a marvelous state of dependence. Dependence on the Almighty, who through grace, redeems and frees. Love in its original form...

Make a mess. Grow a ministry. Love a nation.

-k10

it's something about surfing...

2009-09-27T01:29:00.004-04:00

It's something about surfing that just gives me life. I was at the beach today for the first Revive 2010 meeting and happened to go surfing with a friend. We began discussing this concept of surfing, and it's relation to our joy. It is just wonderful to be out in the gulf, experiencing God's glory displayed in innumerably profound ways and not thinking about anything else. You can just feel God in His ultimate power. He's just out there... in the push behind the wave... in the perfect way the sun creeps across the sky... in the depths below where fish nibble your toes and jellies show no mercy... in the baking sand on shore where the tops of shells peak out from their burial grounds... in the sun's beaming reflection on the surface, so you can't tell where the sky ends and the water begins... in the colors of the sunset and the glow of the moon... in the clouds that simply project the sun's artistry and the water's clarity... in the peaceful yet powerful crash of a wave on shore, when the sun has left the sky and you can see no more... I can't get enough of it.

I love not thinking. In some situations "not thinking" is definitely the wrong way to go about getting things done, but clearing my mind has always been my key to discernment and epiphany. The world just disappears. You get lost in the beauty and power of the Lord displayed all around you. Exhaustion sets in, and yet you continue to push yourself for that one last ride. One last wave. One last chance to vacate your mind. One last encounter. One last hope.

Lack of thought had never been so productive until I started surfing. Just a thought... =)

.k10.

in light of life

2009-08-10T23:21:00.002-04:00

This Sunday was like any old Sunday... nothing noticeably different other than the fact that I had to eat jelly on my waffles instead of syrup. I arrived at church and taught Sunday school to the middle school girls, and then moseyed on over to the contemporary service. There I saw a few familiar faces, and began to greet them as I do every Sunday morning. Like I said, nothing out of the ordinary. But then God truly humbled me...

I was talking to one of our boys who hasn't been involved in anything youthwise this summer, because of football. My last Wednesday here at Spanish Fort is this week, and it was a simple question: "Are you going to be there?" He turns to me, and to my surprise, says yes!! I honestly was making sure not to build up my hope to be let down by his answer, but this is not what I expected to hear. I immediately fire back with a counter, claiming he has football practice; like i know better than he does. I hear a couple random coughs from the people around us, clearly trying to hint at something, and he turns to me. I will never forget his answer:

"Well Kristen, I'm going to quit football today. I have gone to the hospital three times for that team, and I won't do it again. I don't love football, I love God, and I love being able to do stuff with the church. Without football in the way, I can actually be involved."

My response: tears. I could do nothing else. He began crying with me. I was truly inspired by his words and his commitment. He gets it. If God had brought me here this summer to hear nothing else but those words, it would've been worth it. This city doesn't get it. These kids don't get it. It's about sports and competition... it's never about God or relationship. For once I had heard someone sacrifice their own agenda to fulfill God's mission in their life. I have spent my summer begging kids to come to youth and come to camp with the same old response - I have this sport, this practice, this vacation. I just wish people could get it. I wish that parents would instill great values, not great expectations. This Sunday I had caught a glimpse of heaven, a glimmer of hope for a church lost in worldly desires and mindsets. A lot of times the youth group is the breath and life of a church... I hope that Remedy Youth can do more than inspire - I hope they can change the face of Spanish Fort.

What do you love? God? Well, then maybe you should shift your priorities.

-k10

Coffee will be the death of me...

2009-07-23T03:51:00.002-04:00

So it is now 2:54 am... I found myself wide-eyed and terrified about 20 minutes ago wondering what could be wrong with me. My heart was racing, and the harder I tried to think of nothing and fall asleep, the more I became confused and light-headed. Suddenly it hit me - I had 2 diet cokes and 2 cups of coffee at about 10:30 pm, and not a whole lot of food to counteract that intense amount of caffeine. So in light of my discovery, I stumbled upstairs to raid the pantry. I ate a hodge-podge of food including guacamole chips, cinnamon toast crunch, oreos, mountain trail mix, and candy. Basically, whatever I could get my hands on. I now am waiting, hoping, and praying that I can relax, and get at least 5 hours of sleep. I figured it would be good to release my thoughts while I wait, so here it goes...

Tonight I was able to speak at youth. The topic that I spoke on is very near and dear to my heart. Brokenness. It is such a valuable idea in the realm of Christianity, but very few truly understand it's significance. Those who do realize its importance, truly find life. We must be broken and vulnerable before God can act on our hearts. We have to reveal those innermost places; break down those sin walls that surround our hearts. If you have ever been to a place of utter hurt, need, or despair, and found yourself crying out to God, that is brokenness. It is not a matter of being weak, but a matter of letting God be strong.

Humility is the key to brokenness. None of us are humble... let's be real. So it is hard for us to ever really break down. We HAVE to let our guard down. The world tells us to be the first, the best, the greatest, the toughest, and the strongest. But what does God tell us?? Yes, that's right, He tells us to be the opposite. The Bible is littered with paradoxes that perplex the mind, but calm the heart. God calls us to be who we are. That's not scary. It's just real. And we are afraid of real. We like to fake things and act like we're ok, and essentially "perfect" ourselves so no one can see the hurts or find the faults. Well, the author and perfecter of our faith wants to make whole what is entirely broken. He cannot fix and restore what is not already broken.

So come to the Lord, as you are. Beautiful in your brokenness... Strong in your weakness. God wants the rough, original, genuine you. Not that somebody you think is you, that has a no problems, no tears, and no fears. In Exodus 20, God gave Moses the ten commandments and not long after told him to build an alter. But not just any alter, an alter built of only the roughest stones. He commanded that no tools touch the stones, lest they defile it. This is what I mean... don't fake it, don't fix yourself, don't bring that shielded heart to the alter. Bring the roughest you got. Bring the dirt and the destitution... bring the pain and the pride. Lay it down at the alter. Originally His.

Brokenness hurts. The Lord does not cause us pain, but rooting out all the mess causes the pain. To remove a thorn, you must actually decide to remove it. It doesn't feel good to do so, but once it's done healing can begin. I read a story to the kids tonight about a shepherd and his sheep. Sometimes to teach a lesson to a sheep and shepherd must break the sheep's leg. It sounds very cruel and unusual, but this sheep could very well lead the entire flock astray, because sheep are very dull animals. In fact, they have the smallest brain to body ratio of any animal... just so you know. The shepherd doesn't break the sheep's leg and then move on, he tends to the sheep night and day, feeding it from his hand, and watering it from his flask. He shows the sheep the right ways, and soon enough the sheep has forgotten that this same shepherd broke its leg. Once the sheep is healed it can return to the flock, better than before, smarter than before. The sheep can now lead the flock and impart the learned lessons. In the same way God is our shepherd...

He doesn't want to hurt us, but He wants to make right what is wrong. He wants to rid us of the pain and the suffering inside. There is always hurt before healing. Breakdown before the Lord. Let the pieces of your life be an offering, pleasing to the Lord. Brokenness is the beginning - it all starts with a broken and contrite heart. Then and only then can the Lord begin His work on you.

Time to try for Round 2 on the whole sleeping thing...

-k10

Too busy to even know.

2009-06-11T00:45:00.003-04:00

This summer has really been a blur. Not that I've had enough time to even realize... It all began with a trip to Cocoa Beach with a turn around of one night, I was on my way to Dallas. Once back in Gainesville, it was one night and I was in Pensacola for an interview and then Spanish Fort the next day to report for work. As you can imagine I just took my first breath in 4 weeks, and it was refreshing. This week has been a little slow, and of course "slow" is relative. If you know me well enough, slow is just under ridiculous. I love the challenge of constantly going and doing. Never to a point of exhaustion, but definitely to a point where I have to depend on God.

It was easy to jump back into working with the youth, and pick up right where with left off with our relationships. I have already seen growth and improvement in less than one month, and it's very encouraging. I really love it here. In so many ways, I know the two summers that I have spent here were not coincidence, and definitely not just "work." To facilitate spiritual growth is impossible apart from Christ, so you can imagine that I really have to focus on not only pouring into these youth, but pouring into my own relationship with God.

The Cockrell's are definitely my home away from home. I couldn't ask for a better family to be taking me in for the second summer in a row. They feed me, pray with me, hang out with me, and just welcome me. It's beyond hospitality, honestly.

I started this whole reading thing this summer too... it's been great. I'm actually reading 3 books right now. Well, 3 books, the Bible, and a study. Pretty impressive to go from no books to A LOT of books. I graduated college barely reading, so why now?? I was never very good at the whole quiet time thing either, and this has kind of challenged me to do so. I have to earn reading my other books by delving into the Word. It makes everything so much more rewarding.

Tonight we had a family youth pool party at one of the neighborhood pools. We didn't know what to expect. We actually didn't even expect a very big crowd... not to be pessimistic, but just to be realistic. Well, God definitely humbled us. So many kids and their families came. And a lot of youth that have kind of been disconnected so far this summer. I am just basking in utter exhaustion and joy. I hope this summer can be renewal, restoration, and refreshment for Remedy Youth. Can't wait for what God has in store, and can't wait for changed lives and a new fire for life. Tough summer? Bring it on.

night... k10

In a voicemail...

2009-06-05T02:36:00.005-04:00

So I decided to take a nap today. Problem... the nap started at 7 pm. I ended up waking up at 11:30 and here I am writing in my blog. I realized I had missed a few calls, so I checked my voicemail. One message was from my dad... "Hey, just calling to check on you. Take that job. Call me back." With this message, I realized that I don't get to choose who my parents are. I didn't get to choose where I lived for the first 18 years of my life (plus the four in college that my parents PAID for - let's just say my whole life then). And because of my situation now, I don't get to necessarily choose my future. Through one threat from my mom, I feel I am stuck. I have never felt the pain of having clipped wings, but I sure have felt the captivity.

For once in my life, I am not so upset and angry that my parents are the way that they are, and my life happened the way that it happened. Gah, for weeks I have been listening to Paul and Ronnie talk about relationships with our parents, and I continued to turn a deaf ear... but that's where it all starts. If you can't love and respect them, how do you expect to do unto others? I must play the hand of cards I'm dealt. Many a poker player have won a hand on a bluff, but none of them have ever won by folding every time. Yeah ok, so life isn't what I thought it should be. Does that make it wrong or unfair? No. What's unfair is the gift of grace and the reward of freedom.

God gave us parents for a reason. Sometimes we question those reasons, especially when your parents refuse to believe like you do. But nevertheless, they love you. Dysfunction plagues my family, but one thing I know is true - love is there. Within that darkness and pain, there resides love. Maybe it's a glimmer; a fleeting hope, but it's there. I'm not one to have decisions made for me... never have been. But sometimes I must humble myself to truly see... an answer that has been set before me. Take it or leave it, we will still be the same. But our hearts will change.

.k10.

clarity.

2009-05-26T00:31:00.002-04:00

"I worry, I weigh three times my body
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to"

-John Mayer

Who ever thought that I would find myself quoting John Mayer on my blog? Random. Nevertheless, I find so much truth in his lyrics. Clarity is something so fleeting. It comes and go, but that's how it is meant to be. Undeniable and continuous clarity is impossible to achieve on this earth. It is eternal. You must seek God to find your clarity. With clarity though, comes peace. And with clarity comes reward. How great does it feel when you know you are doing something right?

Clarity is fleeting... I believe God made it so. The longer it takes you to trust Him and follow when He calls, the less He will entrust you. In the Bible, Jesus didn't wait around when He told people to follow Him. It was a now or never sort of thing. I think we could learn a lot from this example. Now or never. Which do you prefer?

Why am I so enthralled by clarity? Well, I have the opportunity to be the youth pastor of a church. Yes, the actual youth pastor. It's frightening, I know. In this time of my life though, it felt impossible to know what God really wanted. Lucky for me though, I finally decided to seek Christ. I guess it's not really luck, it's more like obvious logic. For weeks I have claimed to be "seeking Christ," but just a few days ago realized I was merely seeking answers. Christ is not answers. He is love. He is grace. He is the way and technically THE answer. I needed to seek His face and His character before I would be granted the clarity I so desired. It's not a hard task; it's just the difference in saying and doing. Like those times you say, "yeah, I'll pray about that." Well, this time I actually prayed. Easy? Yes. Do you always get unquestionable clarity? No. But that just means God wants to grow and prepare you more. Or hey, being entrusted with a decision is a huge undertaking, and if God is grating you the gift of choice, by all means - CHOOSE!

For now I feel that God has brought to me a moment of unclouded thoughts and unscaled eyes. One of the first times in my life, I have been granted this wonderful gift. Good things come to those who wait. Good things come to those who seek. And good things come to those in God's time. Man, He is GOOD.

k10

Proverbs 16:9

2009-05-15T00:39:00.008-04:00

However much I don't want to

admit it, I have a lot to learn. If my mom knew how to work a computer and somehow discovered the mechanics of the internet, and then read my previous sentence, she would either be proud or would just die from shock.

I have been reading this book by A.J. Jacobs called "The Year of Living Biblically." I highly recommend it... but I only referenced that book to talk about one of his other books called "Know-It-All." I have never read it, but my mom and closest friends would definitely say I wrote it. He reads the entire Encyclopedia Britannica in an effort to legitimately become a scholar-proclaimed know-it-all (as opposed to self-proclaimed). Over the past few days, I have settled back in to Spanish Fort and my usual dwelling, and frightfully enough I have too much time to think. In this case though, I feel my thinking is really paying off. With most normal people, thinking would always pay-off, but with me there is a lot of illegitimate mental activity, which leads to know-it-allism and over-thinking. In my short time back here in Spanish Fort, I have deduced that I can no longer really know ANYTHING.

In sixth months time, I have been riding a spiritual and emotional roller-coaster. Everything that should have happened didn't happen (or at least didn't happen in a timely fashion) and everything that I thought would never happen, definitely did. All that said, I have been trusting the world and people with my time and effort. God knows I learn lessons the hard way, so patience has been an on-going curriculum in my life. I could safely say that's the case for at least 90% of Americans. I JUST WANT TO KNOW!! If there are five open doors God, which one do I choose?? If there are no open doors God, do I force one open?? Is there a key?? Do you think I may have gone too far with this metaphor?? Well, you catch my drift...

Opportunities have come and gone. Some opportunities seem inviting on the outside, but with further observation, it's clear that God would not want me there. Geeeeez, so what do I do?? Wait? That word sucks. I hate waiting for my Pop-tarts to toast, let alone waiting for my life to play out. But you know what... cold Pop-tarts suck. Just think of the difference three minutes can make. Warm and ooie gooie or cold and hard. If we wait and hold out for the right moment, the right job, the right guy, everything is warm and ooie gooie... metaphorically speaking. But yeah, that involves waiting.

In times like this I always go back to this verse I found in Proverbs three years ago. The story is: I had read Proverbs about five times; I love it. But never before had this verse stuck-out to me... It was just the right day, the right time, the right mindset.

"The man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:9

How many times have you tried to plan your own course and then shoved God aside, and said, hey let me determine those steps too. The Lord allows us the opportunity to dream and envision a life for ourselves, aka - the course. But the Lord will guide the steps. Without His guidance, we end up in briars somewhere, way away from the flock. I think it's one of Andy Stanley's sermons from Northpointe that talks about the "bypass." Yeah, awesome, it looks shorter, but God is definitely telling you to go the long way. Well, surely God wouldn't take me the long way!! I'm going to take the bypass... What happens?? You end up in traffic, there's a toll, and it takes more time and aggravation to get to the same destination. Sometimes it might be faster, but it's not less frustrating. God has YOUR best intentions in mind, never forget that.

Sadly, this mindless rambling helps me gather my thoughts... now isn't that a paradox. Continue to pray for me as I seek to find where God truly wants me. Mmmmm, warm Pop-tarts. Remember.

k10

the ranch

2009-05-07T02:29:00.005-04:00

Well, I graduated from college. Yep. It's real. It's real life and it's real scary (really, for those of you who are English majors and are very annoyed when people remove the -ly from adverbs). I know I talk a lot about reflecting on my life, but I am legitimately at the pinnacle point of life reflection. I also am at one of the most breathtakingly gorgeous places I have ever seen (well, it at least ranks in the top ten). It is a ranch in Sherman, TX, near Dallas. The green rolling hills, the still pristine lakes, the muddy 4-wheeler trails, the vast expanse of blue sky, the solemn chapel, the beautiful songs of local birds, the cross - dressed in white - atop the highest peak, a blanket of clouds only allowing the sun's rays to peek through... peace in all its splendor. It's easy to think around here. You just can't help it.

Today we arrived and immediately hopped on 4-wheelers. It was amazing to just ride free in the hills: the mud slapping my face, the thrill of a wide-open engine, and the adrenaline rush as I took a turn going 30 mph, the ground threatening to claim my fall. I haven't felt that way in a long time... I used to feel that way every time I caught a great wave, but it's been a while since I have gone surfing. I consider reckless 4-wheeler driving a blessing from God. My point in writing tonight wasn't to talk about my ATV adventures, but instead to talk about how God is working in my life...

After all of us got back to the house from our escapades, I decided to go for a run. While riding around we discovered that one of the higher peaks had a beautiful vintage

wooden cross overlooking the countryside. It was adorned with a white sheet and a crown of thorns. The view from this height was absolutely astounding. In light of this, I was going to trek up to that hillside in particular and ponder. I knew this journey was most likely going to be difficult, specifically remembering my 4-wheeler struggling up a lot of the hillsides, but nevertheless I was up for the challenge.

A few minutes into my run, I realized how ridiculous an idea this was. Panting, I made it up the first "mountain." Two more to go. It was a grueling hike up the second, but I finally made it to the third and most wanted hill after 15 minutes of sheer pain. The cross was in sight at this point. I began my ascent, and just as I suspected, my body began begging me to quit. Eyes fixed on the cross and my goal, I carried on. Half way there... A few more yards... A few more feet... Finished. In high school, I ran cross country, and usually about 2 miles into the race, you get to the "quitting" point. Basically, it's that point where you have absolutely no energy left and your mind can choose to overpower your physical self to continue on and finish the race, or you can just give in to what your body is telling you. I love mind over matter - it's symbolic to conquering the flesh. If I got to the point where my mind was having a hard time convincing my body, I would picture the cross, the crucifixion, the agony, Christ's death. I know it seems morbid, but the cross was meant to remind us and to encourage us. He endured so much more on the cross; I can finish this race.

So as I approach the cross, relief spreads over my body as I feel the ground level out. I did it. I'm not one to stop and smell the roses during a run, so it was strange that I just felt the need to stop and stare. Hands on my hips, examining the earth down below, I felt like the king of the

world (or at least like Simba in reference to a conversation with Mufasa - "everything the light touches"). I sat down in front of the cross and comfort permeated. I rested my head on a nice patch of grass and closed my eyes. I have never felt so relaxed in my life. I'm beginning to think that God knew exactly what I needed. A vacation. Not just to get out of town, but to get out of life, get out of thought, get out of expectations... I couldn't help but think of the symbolism in all of this. Pressing on toward our goal (the cross) might be a hard and painful task. Relief comes when we reach the top. There we find ultimate peace and unmatched beauty. There we bask in glory. Not our own, but His glory.

I know in my time of reflection and change, I doubt, fear, and run. I hope that I can stop looking for answers to questions I already know, and rest assured. Literally, rest. Stop and smell the roses once in a while - it might bring you peace beyond your understanding.

.kristen.

America the Bountiful

2009-03-14T23:59:00.006-04:00

As I woke up this morning, knowing that it was time to leave Mexico... I couldn't help but feel heavy. There was so much that I had left to do, and so much more that I wanted to learn. You cannot squeeze it all out in one week. It was hard enough to say goodbye to one of my best friends.

Right now, I sit in reflection... Reflection on where God has brought me in the past few years and where He is taking me. Who ever thought that three years ago, when I helped found a Christian sorority, I would be here right now finishing a mission trip in Mexico, leading worship, and graduating from COLLEGE... Patience is my strength right now. I think one of the greatest lessons I learned here is that I AM BLESSED. No maybe I'm not as blessed as the next American, but in this world I am truly blessed and have so much left to give!!

I am so thankful for the people that God has put in my life. Especially, Caroline Burns - I know this is a blog shout-out, and those are supposedly uncool, but for her, it's worth it!! I would not be where I am today without her help and encouragement. She challenged me to pursue God in bigger ways than I could have ever imagined on my own. She's made me laugh, made me cry, made me angry, and made me ultimately happy. She is a blessing from the Lord, and I knew the moment I met her that God ordained for us to be great friends. From sand at the foot of my bed to skating in the stadium to jumping in the back of a minivan with her cousin and a large mattress after getting my car towed to stripping down to nothing in the FSU stadium parking lot to SEC Saturdays to cappuccino fudge blitz ice cream to diet coke with lime to chocolate chip pancakes to an undying love for the beach and for surfing to Pace, FL and the death of Monte to a surprise party that I didn't want to go to ("If I lay here!!") to Lindsey Soulis' birthday barrage in the Estates parking lot to creating a Christian sorority to mission tripping in Mexico and getting to see her to never-ending stress to undying love to unending friendship. Hey can we start a nonprofit together in some country?? OK, awesome... Meet you there. Thank you Caroline... Jesus Christ truly shines in your life.

On the plane ride back, I decided to write a song. It was my first time writing lyrics before writing music. A challenging feat, but rewarding nonetheless. You can check out the song on my music MySpace - http://www.myspace.com/kristenrupert

"Carry You Home"

By: Kristen Rupert

V1: The earth is stirring

The clouds rebirthing

The colors flatter the sky

The mist is clearing

The dew revealing

The sun is blazing on high

C: Where do you come from

And where do you go?

Anew day is dawning

To carry you home

Just open your heart, yeah

Open your eyes

And follow the glorious light

To carry you home

V2: The mountains will fall

The waves they will call

The sound will bring you glory

The ocean's churning

The world keeps turning

The brightness will finally appear

B: Nations will come to your light

And kings to the brightness

**The song is based from Isaiah 60:3, which became my life verse after last year's trip to Mexico. It says, "Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn." I love the idea of a new day, a new hope, and a new life. We can have that in Jesus Christ, even if we are in the poorest conditions in Mexico. Light will shine into the darkness. We are a light unto the world... never let it fade.**

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kristen

Day Six: Douglas (cont.)

2009-03-13T23:59:00.003-04:00

Well, today was our last work day in Mexico. It's always so bittersweet, because you knew it was coming, but it's still hard. I will never forget this week, and i know when I get back to the states i will have a whole new outlook on life.

We began the day with breakfast as usual, and then we were told what we would be doing. We were going back to Douglas. In the morning, we were planning on doing a few work projects and then once the kids got home from school, we would be having a cookout. It was going to be much less stressful than the day before with the 8 hour babysitting job.

We arrived at the children's home and split up to do our projects. Jenna and Kendra jumped on board to make a picnic table and a bench. Back2Back ministries helps the children's homes become self-sustaining, by creating businesses for them on their campuses. Douglas has a garden/wood-working business, so they were helping to build some of the orders that had come in for yard furniture. The rest of us headed over to one of the boy's dorms to paint the walls. We had to stack the beds on top of one another to get to all the walls. I helped with the cutting in near the floor and then at 11:30 am, Jessie and I headed out to start grilling hot dogs. Once the charcoal was hot and while Jessie grilled, I went in with Todd (the Executive Director of Back2Back) to set-up the kitchen. All the older kids and caretakers had gone to the burial for Francisco in the morning, so we were going to have to pick up the kids from school, and then we would be cooking out for EVERYONE. Picking the kids up was not a big deal though, since the school was just a walk up the hill.

Once the charcoal was started and hot dogs were grilling, we headed up to the school to get the kids. They were so excited to see us!! It was very awesome to be able to spend three separate days with these children. We were definitely forming relationships with them, and they knew our names and faces. We picked them up and walked them back to their dorms where they changed into play clothes and dropped off their backpacks. Excited about the day ahead, all the children piled into the Comedor for lunch. All the caretakers returned from the burial and it was time to feed all 100 people!!

We made soooo many hot dogs, but there was no problem getting rid of all of them. I really have never seen people so excited about hot dogs in my life. Honestly, though, I was excited about them, because I was so hungry!! After lunch all of the kids went out to play or do their homework. We had a period where we had to clean-up and then set-up for a movie that we were going to watch. Fantastic 4, the sequel in Spanish!! I hadn't even seen the first one in English, let alone the second, and now I was going to see the second in Spanish!! We arranged the Comedor like a theater centered around the huge projector screen that was up. We also had popcorn to pass out, just like a real movie!!

We started the movie at 2:30 pm, and the kids loooooved it. So did the caretakers. It was really cool to provide something like that for them... They never get to go to movies, so this was definitely a treat. I sat with Tere, and 18 girl who has lived at Douglas her whole life. She is the sister of Monica, who had her Quincinera the first day we were in Mexico. Tere has the biggest heart of any person I have ever met. When the movie first started she made me sit down next to her, and she rubbed my back for around 30 minutes. I told her over and over again that she didn't have to do that, but she insisted that I rest my head on the table, and she would continue to rub my back. I was totally humbled!! I wanted to just be like, "I'm supposed to be helping YOU!!"

After the movie was over, it was just time to get the kids inside to do their homework and time to clean up. We were leaving at 5 pm, so we only had about 30 minutes to clean and say our goodbyes. Liliana, the girl that I had danced with last night came up to the chapel with us. The chapel at Douglas is an awesome open area at the top of a sort of mountain. Once you get to the top, it's beautiful. You can truly feel God as you look out over the mountain range. We slid down the huge cement slide, said our goodbyes, and walked back to the property.

Once we got back, we took showers, debriefed, and left for dinner at Tacos Fede. It was amazing. A lot of the younger staff got to go with us, so it ended up being a great group of people. Shane and Bill from University of Miami Ohio also surprised us with Theta Alpha t-shirts that they had made. It was hilarious. After dinner, we headed over to this awesomely cheap ice cream place and stuffed ourselves even further.

After a great dinner and dessert we headed back to the property and finished recording the Live in Mexico CD. I had a bunch of people sing with me on Amazing Grace for the last track. Jessie and I stayed up with Caroline until about 3 am to finally get everything finalized and burned. Since we have to be up by 5 am, you can imagine that I did not get much sleep!! It was a great last day in Mexico... I wish I could stay.

.kristen.

PS - Check out my Music MySpace for the CD!! - http://www.myspace.com/kristenrupert

Day Six: love one another (cont.)

2009-03-13T08:00:00.002-04:00

LGLP - love God, love people.

The simplest way to understand your mission. Love has its own language and needs no definition. Love sometimes is the only way you can explain something and rarely do you need words. The Bible puts it this way in 1st John 4:7-21...

Gods Love and Ours

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother."

God's love... then ours. I love the title of this section of 1 John 4. Pretty much sums up the whoooole concept. God's Love and Ours - He loved us first, so that we can understand and love second. Let God love through you. We are not loving apart from Him. God is love, God in us, love in us. So with a true relationship with God, you are not without love. Therefore, you in turn love people. If you choose not to love people, then God's true love is not inside you. Powerful, right?? How many times have you chosen not to love someone?? I know I have been guilty of that, A LOT. Well, those are the moments you deny Christ and reject His relationship and grace. There is abounding love in us as God abides in us... DO NOT rely on yourself!! Let the author of love use you. He understands far more than you ever could.

Today is our last day of work. I hope that we can share just a little bit more with these kids before we have to leave. However much we felt like we were going to teach them, they taught us, two-fold.

-k10

Day Five: Douglas (flexico Mexico)

2009-03-12T23:00:00.005-04:00

So our plan for the day was to actually go to a children's home called Betesda. Wellll, seeing as we are in Mexico, as everyone at Back2Back would say - time to be FLEXICO MEXICO!!

The morning began with a concrete pour at the Back2Back property with the Michigan State group. I ended up shoveling gravel and dirt into the concrete mixer for 2 hours. There were groups running wheelbarrows, lifting buckets on scaffolding, pouring concrete, and more. However hard it was, it was that much more rewarding. This was something that we could see instant results as the concrete was being poured to create more staff housing. It was also very rewarding to work along side the Michigan State group. They are a great group.

After the concrete pour, the market was opened for us to buy souvenirs and whatnot. We then proceeded to have lunch and get our debriefing on what we would be doing that day. Change of plans:

One of the encargadas (caretakers) at Douglas children's home suddenly died. Douglas was one of the children's homes I was able to serve at last year, so I was excited to be able to see these kids multiple times within the week. The home was also located about a mile from the Back2Back property. We basically became babysitters for the day. All of the other encargadas wanted to attend the funeral for Fransisco who had passed away, but they needed someone to watch the kids. Twelve of us versus sixty of them... we knew it was going to be interesting.

As soon as we arrived the kids were clearly excited. It was one of the first times that they knew they would be able to be kids without the constant direction of their caretakers. The weather suddenly turned to about 45 degrees and rainy, so we attempted to keep the kids inside or at least layered as much as possible. First, we watched a movie with all the kids in the pavilion outside. Yes, it was freezing. I loved when a child would sit on my lap, not only for the love and joy that they would bring, but for their warmth!! After the movie, we played with crafts and attempted to help the children with their homework. We took them into the comedor, which is their big kitchen/community area. One of the boys Iliud was distraught because he couldn't find a pencil. Through a lot of searching, I was able to find him not only a pencil, but a mechanical one. He was first of all stoked to be using a mechanical pencil, but second of all, stoked to be able to finish his homework and move on to the fun. Once he completely finished, he handed me back the pencil, and while smiling, told me to wait for him there, and left the comedor. He just wanted to go drop his backpack off in his room, and came back to grab some stickers and a coloring book like all the other kids.

After a while, Caroline, Jessie, and I were on grill duty. We were planning on cooking out for the kids starting at 4:30 pm, eating at 6:30 pm. They don't get much variety, let alone food, in their diet, so it is always fun to serve these kids something new. It's almost like taking them to a very fancy restaurant. Even though it was raining we stuck it out and grilled the food, taking turns flipping the chicken patties and holding the lid over the grill to protect the food from the rain. We assembled the sandwiches and almost right on time, we were serving the kids dinner. Once they ate we had to clean up and then take all of the kids to their dorms. Girls and boys separately. We attempted to do a little picture framing craft with the girls. They never really have photos ever, so it was a lot of fun to take Polaroids of them, and let them keep that picture along with a frame.

Liliana, a girl that I met last year was in the girl's dorm that I was in doing crafts. She was kind of dancing around the room and I asked her if she liked to dance. She said yes and before I knew it, she and I were dancing around the room like fools. It was glorious. I never thought that I would be able to pour into the lives of the same children year to year. It was just awesome to see how well she is doing a year later and a year older. I know that she will be OK with the care that has been given to her.

At this point, we had been babysitting for 8 hours. Some of the Back2Back staff came to relieve us of our duties. It was late and dark and they wanted us back at the property for safety reasons. We got back and realized how long and crazy of a day it had been!! Concrete pour in the AM and then enormous babysitting job in the PM. We were all exhausted... but there is always still energy to record!! I recorded a few tracks for the CD and then went off to bed. However crazy the day had been with sixty wildly awesome children running around, it was a wonderful day... flexico Mexico style.

-Kristen

Day Five: submit to one another

2009-03-12T08:00:00.001-04:00

Submission: We always attribute negativity to this word. In fact, it is a command completely. It's not about your ideas or opinions on submitting, but it is about a general yet specific calling. Ephesians 5:21 tells us to "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

America is about ambition and about drive... not about submission and humility. The world tells us to push so hard to win and to push people out of the way if we have to. God tells us different - He says to put your own agenda aside and put your neighbor before yourself. Serve them and you will be served. It seems impossible to imagine a life lived without thinking about yourself for once. Prime example: Jesus Christ. His full and utter submission to first God and then people made Him the true Messiah. Submitting is not so much about giving something up as it is about gaining everything.

Submit to God, your life... gain a kingdom. Submit to people, your service... gain a friend. The world would call us weak or wimpy for laying down our lives, but God has shown us that it is the ultimate representation of love and sacrifice. The ultimate representation of grace.

.kristen.

Day Four: El Rio

2009-03-11T23:00:00.006-04:00

Today was by far, one of my favorites... EVER. We had breakfast like usual and then left around 10 am for El Rio (the river). El Rio is a squatters village along a river on the outskirts of Monterrey, Mexico. The people who live there have next to nothing. Everything that they do have is either stolen, found, or pirated. It is not uncommon to see houses made of cardboard and plastic. Last year, I was able to serve the people in the Cadareta, which is just an extension from El Rio. The government forced people to move off of the river so that they could use the land for commercial purposes, promising the people cinder blocks and food. But when everyone finally got to the place the government wanted them to move, they received nothing.

El Rio is a special place. At one point, while walking down the cliff side by the homes I turned to Jenna and said, "You don't really believe it, 'til you see it." However cliche that statement is, it's very true. You don't really believe the amount of poverty until you truly are immersed in it. This part of the river is call MeMe's Rio. MeMe is a little Mexican woman who has been working with Back2Back for years. She left the property a few years ago to live full-time with the people at El Rio. She and her husband had been ministering to the people there and had built a small pavilion to house a soup kitchen and eventually a church. Back in May, MeMe's husband died in a horseback riding accident and left MeMe alone to continue their ministry. Even through her hardship, she has not quit. She wants to build on to the pavilion and have a kitchen, bathroom, and church. Her dreams are huge, as well as her heart, and God will see that her vision is made into reality.
We knew we would be serving lunch to the people, working on some labor projects, and praying over the whole area. First things first, we were able to walk out through the village and personally invite the people out to lunch and to receive donations. Most of the people we saw were women and children, and many welcomed us each individually with smiling faces and gracious handshakes. If there are men around they are very standoffish or actually have jobs that do not end until the sun goes down. One woman in particular was very bubbly and her daughter was actually deaf. She kept making sure to sign and interpret things for her daughter while in conversation with us. Her devotion was amazing.

After calling the people out, it was time to serve food and pass out donations. Before we started lunch though, I was able to share part of my testimony to the people!! I have never told my testimony in under 2 hours - but God willing I only talked for 5 minutes. You can tell that someone has nothing when a bag of beans makes them happy. We served a lunch of tamales and nachos and then passed out laundry detergent, beans, and some fun donations our group had brought. All the families ended up with two or three t-shirts, and all the children ended up with 8 bracelets and 5 pieces of candy. Before we knew it, some of the mothers were asking for bracelets. I felt like God had blessed our donations like the loaves and fishes - it just kept giving. For another day I was humbled at the sight of a grown woman getting excited about simple bracelets made by the hands of American college students.

After lunch and donations it was time to start the projects. We really had no idea what to expect. Ends up we are going to extend the roof and also prepare the ground for cement pouring by moving stone. We were helping add on to the pavilion that will eventually be a church and a soup kitchen. Somehow I always find myself doing the hardest labor... I was on stone moving duty. The people cannot afford to use rebar, so the stone was going to be laid out to become the foundation to the cement. We all made a great team!! There were wheelbarrows going, people on roofs, wood staining, and praying walking. Side note - I found a wild tarantula... it was AWESOME.

At all times, Cathy Huffer, one of our Back2Back leaders, was taking people out into the village to pray. Selfishly, I wanted to stay with my pickax and keep working, but I decided that God wanted me to go out on the last prayer walk. Cathy, Tama, and I were able to pray with a woman who practices witchcraft. We began by just saying hello and asking if we could pray for her. We asked for prayer requests and before you knew it, we were invited inside her home to look at pictures. We spent about 20 minutes just focusing on her personally, and while inside her home asked to pray with her. Kimberly, one of her granddaughters was there, and we were able to pray with her as well. At one point, she grabbed my hand in response to our prayer. It was powerful. Tama was able to translate my prayers for China - the woman we were praying for. Even with the language barrier, thanks to our translators, we could communicate our hopes and prayers for the people. With a tearful last prayer by China, we returned to help clean and hang out with some of the residents of El Rio before we had to leave. We had made so much progress on the projects and the people, it was astounding. Even with the loss of her husband, MeMe has all the faith in the world. We were able to pray for her and her ministry right before we left for dinner at El Pollo Loco.

Caroline met us for dinner, and Jessie and I were able to ride in her car back to the property. We made a quick gas station trip, because no one should go to Mexico and not set foot in a Mexican gas station. Once back at the property, I led worship for the group and then we had debriefing. It was an amazing day to talk and think about... I had a few epiphanies about my current situations. First, the crap going on in my life does not even compare to the lives of the people at El Rio - broken car, broken computer, broken phone, whatever. It clearly could be worse. Second, learned helplessness is rampant in El Rio. People fail and fail again, and eventually they give up trying. I have the same attitude in my own lives. I make up excuses for why I shouldn't do something based off of past failures. That is no way to live my life, though. God called me to so much more!! He called me to be faithful, and trust that even when I fail, He will succeed.

I'm the lucky one.

-k10

PS - Betsy and I got to play speed scrabble with Greg Huffer... just like last year... and I WON!! Haven't played in one year, and I beat the pro. Wiz is a word.

Day Four: forgive one another

2009-03-11T08:00:00.000-04:00

"If we are honest with ourselves, sometimes we like holding a grudge even though we know we shouldn't. We feel it gives us the upper hand in a relationship. There is something about it that feels so good that despite knowing it is wrong, we hold on."

When I read this in our devotion this morning, I was rocked. So many times we forget how important it is to forgive. Forgiveness is the basis of Christianity. Jesus Christ's sacrifice was made for ultimate forgiveness. I heard a sermon one time that compared unforgiveness to a disease. It is something that attacks you from the inside out and if you do not fight it or search for healing, it can take over.

In my life, I have been dealt difficult cards that required me to forgive a lot of people for a lot of hurt. It is a very difficult thing to forgive someone when you know you didn't deserve the hurt they caused you. That is Christ in you, though. We are unable to forgive apart from Him. He is our strength. Sometimes I just want to sit in my bitterness and let someone else deal with the situation, but I know that is not what God has called us to. He calls us to love and forgive times infinity, even when we are the one in pain. Brokenness is the perfect place to be healed and filled with the power and grace of God. Forgive and be forgiven.

.kristen.

Day Three: Rayitos de Luz (cont.)

2009-03-10T23:00:00.002-04:00

Today we were lucky enough to return to Rayitos de Luz. This time we were going to really have some time with the children. We literally piled the kids on to our bus and first took them to the McDonald's play place. Before we left and once the children found out what we were going to be doing, there was a crazy amount of excitement in the air!! While we were all playing and hanging out with the kids, I noticed one girl that was kind of off by herself. Many times the kids who are outgoing and willing to jump in your lap are the ones that get attention, so I made a point to go over and talk to her. I used what little Spanish I knew to carry on a conversation, and before I knew it we were paired up for the day!! I will never forget my girl, Sandra.

We decided to take them to McDonald's for ice cream before lunch, because there was a play place there and not one at El Pollo Loco (a fast food restaurant native to Mexico). I had never seen so much joy in the eyes of children at a McDonald's. Kenzi, one of the interns for Back2Back, made the comment that American children would be upset to take a field trip to a fast food play place, whereas these kids couldn't be happier. The kids were so appreciative and well-behaved, making sure to check in with their respective partners periodically. We headed over for lunch at El Pollo Loco. We were told not to eat anything, and let the kids have as much as they want, but it was impossible, when the kids are constantly trying to share their food with you. That's all they know... If you love someone, give them everything you have. I felt like a part of their family as they handed me food from their plate, and once again I found myself humbled.

It was a sad moment as we walked them across the street to drop them off at school. However many times they have had to say goodbye, I'm sure it's still just as hard every time. One, two, three hugs from Sandra, and then they were gone. But they would never know how much they changed our hearts.

We returned to the children's home to finish barbed wire, painting, and other miscellaneous duties life branch cutting and fence building. My new found friend Kurt and I worked out some very tricky walls to put up the barbed wire. In the process somehow a branch busted open Kurt's head open... always exciting. We were a little off schedule and all of the sudden Antonio is yelling at us to wrap up our jobs and get on the bus. We were almost an hour late!! The kids started to rush in excited that we were still around. It was pretty awesome to see them one last time, and see Sandra's face as she searched the yard to meet my gaze. In all of the rush, they almost left me at the children's home. I was taking after pictures of all of the projects, and all of the sudden I hear Antonio screaming my name. Jessie, thank goodness, had told Antonio that I was still inside before the bus took off... eventful, but not tragic.

Back at the property, we had another amazing dinner (a little later than expected), and then debriefing. After a long day, we still were able to record a few songs to add to the CD.

**I will never forget my time spent with Sandra. My hope and prayer is that because of organizations like Back2Back, she has a chance to grow and flourish.**

-Kristen

Day Three: encourage one another

2009-03-10T09:00:00.000-04:00

"Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is; treat a man as he should be and he will become as he can and should be." - Goethe

"Flatter me and I may not believe you;
Criticize me and I may not like you;
Ignore me and I may not forgive you;
Encourage me and I will not forget you."
- William Arthur Ward

Encouragement in this day and age is scarce. It is replaced with negative comments and sarcasm that we justify as love. We all need to feel that we are doing the right thing sometimes. I know that God calls us to be faithful and confident when we are following His will, but like I said, sometimes we just need a pat on the back. Christian brothers and sisters should be here to give you that nudge. We fall short of this out of selfishness and sometimes out of unawareness.

Our lesson for this morning was to encourage one another. Especially in this atmosphere, it is so important to push and love each other with our actions and words. The hard thing is translating that when we get back to the states. Everything around us in the United States will tell us to look out for ourselves and to think pessimistically. It takes energy to encourage - energy that "we don't have." I hope that we can just continue a legacy of love and encouragement over the course of this trip, and therefore instill that in ourselves from here on out.

-k10

Day Two: Rayitos de Luz

2009-03-09T23:00:00.004-04:00

After breakfast and devotions we were ready to head out to our first children's home of the week - Rayitos de Luz (little rays of light). We were told that we were going to attempt to be there early to just play and hang out with the kids, and then after they left for school we would begin our work projects. Wellll, flexico Mexico - because of leaving a little late and because of traffic, we ended up getting to the children's home just in time for us to basically watch the kids eat. It was mass chaos, half naked children everywhere putting on their uniforms, food being made and served, and kids banging on bathrooms doors demanding their turns. It was beautiful though, because just as the chaos began, it was subdued by the simple lunch blessing. All the kids bowed their heads and closed their eyes and began to pray together, led by one of the children. They prayed for each other, for their schools, and they even prayed for us. Simply beautiful.

While watching the kids eat, I was able to hold one of the happiest babies I have ever met. He was precious - 8 month old Imanuel. His sister America who is 8 was found taking care of him and his 5 year old brother. Their mother was a drug addict and was unable to take care of them and their father was out of the picture. You find this situation a lot in Mexico, and it breaks my heart. America just wanted to be an 8 year old girl, but was strong enough to be a mother when she had to be. AMAZING... that is love.

They ate and were soon on their way... 25 kids in a 15 passenger van, the Mexico way. We then began our work projects. I volunteered to put up barbed wire. Did I have experience with that?? No, but it sounded cool. The other projects were sealing concrete to prevent leaking, painting a mural type wall, and putting up barbed wire. Eventually, we were going to move on to cutting down branches and putting up a fence, but that wouldn't come until later in the day or maybe even tomorrow. So we threw on some gloves, goggles and grabbed a pair of pliers and were on our way. We pretty much had to cut a lot of barbed wire and tie it around metals poles to prevent people from climbing the walls and stealing things (frightening, i know).

It was blazing hot and I had sprained my good ankle yesterday, so it was a little tricky, as well as challenging, but God willing we made it through. Some of the boys had found out that they didn't have school that day and came sprinting back 12 blocks to help us with our work. It was ridiculously humbling to work beside 9 year old boys that were enjoying work that made me want to quit. They were inspiring. They definitely made everything look easy, jumping around to every project and having a great time. One boy even joined me and Antonio (the project leader) on a roof to hack up a mango tree. Long story short, the boy almost went down with the branches of the mango tree, but he had no worries and was completely willing.

We were able to play a little with the children once we finished our work, so that was rewarding. I got to play doctor with Fani, a little girl who was too young to go to school. We then proceeded to play a game where I blew bubbles and she would try to pop them. So minuscule, and yet so meaningful. No American child would be satisfied with just that... but she was.

After a long hard day of work, we headed back to the property a little later than expected and had an amazing dinner and debriefing. After debriefing, I had the idea of recording a few songs for Caroline on her laptop, which eventually turned into - Kristen Rupert - Live in Mexico!! We began recording my CD on Caroline's computer, a project that would last allll week. The start of my music career, lol.

.kristen.

Day Two: love one another

2009-03-09T08:59:00.001-04:00

"Community was God's idea from the beginning." In Theta Alpha (the Christian Sorority I helped found), we always seek to define community. It's a matter of letting God define it though... It is easily forgotten that the creator of the Universe could give us the simple answer. It's about love, sacrifice, and sometimes pain. I love cognitive dissonance. It's that something that makes you cringe, and therefore you change your behavior. Not that you have to cringe to change, but at times it is necessary.

Love is complex, and yet so simple. The lengths and depths of love are unfathomable, but at the same time the concept of love is easy to understand. Love God, and then love people. God is love... If you just let Him in then there is no leg work. You don't need to understand, because He does!! Just let Him be your love.

Back2Back has us do a devotion every morning for the whole week that we are here. The theme for the year is "one another." So today is love one another. The verses for the week come from Galatians 5:13-26. Love is a lot of sacrifice, especially when you are serving in a different country. Maybe you don't speak the same language to tell someone you love them, but maybe the act of serving food will speak for itself. Or putting a roof on a church and soup kitchen that will serve a squatter village.

Love is not a bunch of rules that you have to follow. Like open the door for people and make sure to say nice things all the time... it has nothing to do with legalism. Verse 23 says that if we make love a bunch of rules and obligations, then it is no longer love.

I hope that this week, we can love one another and be completely humbled. The children in Mexico who have nothing, share everything. That is love. I hope in humility we can learn from them...

.kristen.

Day One: the quinciñera

2009-03-08T23:59:00.001-04:00

The flight was great and uneventful. The cherry on top was Caroline's smiling face as we passed through the last customs station. Seriously, it was a blessing to just hug her. I didn't realize how much I truly missed her until she was right there, and we were back to our old ways. We waited for the Michigan State group of 30 and then loaded on the buses and headed to the property. When we arrived we proceeded to settle in and have lunch. After a quick tour the game plan was to help set-up and break-down for a birthday party of one of the children from the Casa Hogar Douglas. This was not just any old birthday party... Monica, the birthday girl, was turning 15.

I have only heard about the 15th birthday in the Hispanic culture... there was also this one time that I saw My Super Sweet Fifteen. It was a special. It was an over-the-top celebration of greed, and I really never discovered the true meaning and importance of the quinciñera... until today. We set-up tables and tables and chairs and chairs!! Eighty children from Douglas arrived and soon enough the ceremony had started. It was very similar to a wedding procession. Everyone rises for the birthday girl, and then there are different stages and reciting and readings. She was STUNNING. One of the greatest moments was truly being able to see that she felt beautiful... it was such a strong feeling that you could almost feel yourself. Her face beamed with an unmistakable confidence. The confidence of knowing she is beautiful and knowing she is loved. Girls are insecure. We are constantly fighting with what we see in the mirror. We don't like it. But to see a girl that doesn't get much, get everything she's ever dreamed of... now that's amazing. You can just feel that.

After the ceremony was over, we served everyone dinner and then served ourselves. The meal was some kind of spicy. I mean burn your face off, welcome to Mexico kind of spicy. It was awesome. After dinner the whole group including children began to play games like we were at a reception for a wedding. Just a big circle and some people running around in pairs... or something like that. You had to pick it up really fast or you would definitely get left behind. After a while they kicked all of the kids out of the circle. It was awesome to get to just spend some time with the kids and play after everything began to wind down. I'm pretty sure the dancing didn't stop until 8:30 or maybe later, and I'm pretty sure it could have gone on for much longer. Crazy birthday parties, ya know.

We finished up the night with debriefing, which basically consisted of us just reflecting on the day and choosing one "picture" that we specifically wanted to hold on to. We also got a little more acquainted with the two guys that were going to be on the same schedule as us. With the day starting out for us at 4:30 am, we were very exhausted. Not only that, we lost two hours because not only did we fly into central time, but Mexico was not quite ready to spring forward.

I've never slept so well, honestly. I can thank the Lord for that one.

.kristen.

Day One: the departure

2009-03-08T07:04:00.001-04:00

"Nations will come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your dawn."
- Isaiah 60:3

Last year, this time, I was in the same place. On my way to Mexico. Who knows what I was thinking then. It was impossible for me to imagine how my heart would change. How my heart would break. Here I sit today and I am floored by God's splendor and power. I look out to my right and see a rising sun. The colors bright and magnificent, the clouds serene, planting their pattern throughout the sky. He is truly indescribable. God showed me Isaiah last year. He showed me my heart for Mexico. Who knows the revelation this year... I can't wait. LIGHT THE NATIONS.

.kristen.

the day before MX

2009-03-07T22:59:00.005-05:00

Anticipation is always a wonderful thing. You can never tell if you are nervous or excited, or just plain scared. At this point, I'm afraid of what God is going to teach me. I know the plan is to break me. It has been my earnest prayer, and from my experiences with God - He answers. So many things have distracted me from purpose - His purpose. However, God has His timing, and I know (I can feel it) He is going to act on my heart and into my soul. Christianity is an on-going battle inside, and sometimes the enemy wins, but many people have lost once, twice, or more and come back to win the race, the game, the life. I mean look at the Gators... lol.

But the idea is to completely surrender, realize your failure, repent, and be restored and filled by and with Christ. He wants out WHOLE, not half, not some... ALL!! Lately, I have been denying Christ a big part of my life... my shame, my dignity, my self-control. I always thought it seemed ridiculous to "drown your sorrows" in something. Well, lately it hasn't seemed nearly so ridiculous. Depression, the break-up, life in general - it is very easy to turn to something worldly to heal my heart, adsorb my pain, and in the end "save me." I want to be free of that. I cannot let my independence hinder a true full life in Christ. Actions speak louder than words - so honestly, drinking with non-Christians (even if I am of age) was a great idea, right? What part of love God, love people did I miss understand? My justifications have led to an idea that I can save people through blatant sin. Now that is thinking "abstractly."

"Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like you have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks yours.
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause.
As I walk from earth into eternity."

-Brooke Frasier (Hillsong United)

First, healing is necessary, then and only then will God entrust me with His plan, His purpose. Brokenness is my prayer this week. Not only for me, but for the team and even for those we will be ministering to. Grant humility so we can see your glory within the smile on an orphan's face.

-k10

Practicality Reigns

2009-02-17T00:13:00.004-05:00

I was once told that if God wants you to do something, then it will seem impossible. Or at least impossible for you to do on your own. I think that as humans, we always think in a practical manner. Efficiency is the name of the game. Less inputs and more outputs. We are always striving to center our lives around the idea that God would never put us out. He would never make us do more than we thought possible. That would be outrageous!! We are not ready for that!!

Ok, pause... what authority do we have to call the shots?? I can barely figure out what to wear in the morning, let alone remember to take a shower - how am I supposed to then be able to identify what is impossible, and what is TOO much for me to handle?? When are we ever ready for what God has in store?? Is that not His mystery and splendor?? We marvel at the fact that God is so big and so unfathomable, but when it comes to Him working in our lives, we set limits. Surely, He cannot do what He thinks He can, because clearly, I'm not who He thought I was...

WHAT?! If a hair on your head fell off right now, not only would He know its name, but He would know exactly how many atoms resided on it... How many bonded proteins it took to create its length... The location of its original follicle dwelling. God created the working capacity in you. It's time that we stop denying that. For so long I have spent my life believing in God, but not believing in myself. At Woodbine UMC one Sunday morning a few years ago, the sermon was on loving yourself. I began to write it off as a selfish look at life, but then I listened closely. I realized that when you do not believe in yourself, indirectly you do not believe in God. You do not believe that He can work through you. You do not believe that His power is enough to power the mess that you are. Well, like I said, I think God knows best. It's almost like God debriefs us on His plans, and then we turn to Him and say... "Hmm, I'm not so sure I can deal with that... why don't you find someone else??" What if Moses had said that?? What if David had said that?? What if Paul, once a man murdering Christians for their beliefs, knowing that he would be a martyr, said, "No thanks." The Bible would be a lot less exciting, that's for sure.

God is not a God of practicality. If you feel a tug at your heart, don't be afraid. Many things in this world seem impossible, especially when it comes to following God. But that is the beauty of it. That's what makes Him so beyond us. We are vessels, and God instilled in us a capacity to do His good work. That capacity was, is, and always will be under His jurisdiction. When you sense impossibility, then God wants you to rely on Him. It's that easy.

Practicality is merely an excuse for the coward. Stretch out your hand, take that first step, open the door... however God is calling you, answer Him. God is full of mystery, but there is no mystery in His love for us. It's true, and it's full. Strive for the impossible, and you just might feel the presence of God. He will never let you go it alone.

Lean on Him.

Love,
k10

hard words

2009-02-14T22:20:00.004-05:00

Hard. We use that word so freely, yet it's so relative. My test was hard, but so was opening that jar of strawberry jam. Diamonds are hard, but so are peppermints. So what is the level of difficulty?? Who knows??

Sometimes it feels like my life is hard. But what is hard?? Many times anything out of the ordinary ends up being hard. Something changes and I calculate an increase in difficulty. Change is not always bad though. So in a sense, hard can be good. Hard candy... good thing. Hard cement... good thing. Hard liquor... ok, just kidding. The reason hard is good in those examples is because of its relation to the following word. Hard life. Good or bad. Depends on its relation to the following word. Basically, you can look at change, challenges, and whatever else may come as a springboard or as a brick wall.

When did a brick wall ever help you get anywhere?? I want to continue sulking and saying my life is hard. In my opinion, my life is definitely harder than yours... but what is the point?? What am I trying to prove by giving a measure to an immeasurable word?? It's subjective. My hard is mine and your hard is yours. I just find it interesting that we let definitions and words run our lives. Words shape our decisions and shape the way we perceive things and act towards people. Words can build-up and tear-down. Words can love and hate. Words are good and bad. Hard is good and bad.

I realized that life is life. We add the adjectives. Hard, good, amazing, fun, crappy... life. Let's spend our time living life, than trying to define it.

My life is hard, but it is up to me to determine how hard. Thrive in difficulty. I always say the best lessons we learn are the HARDEST.

kristen <><

4 AM

2009-02-06T11:10:00.005-05:00

It must be the bitter cold or just having to wake up freakishly early that makes you appreciate your life and your wealth. This will be my second time waking up for Breakfast Brigade. Gainesville Catholic Worker House has been serving breakfast to the labor unions in this city for decades. I arrived at the house to prepare the meal at 4:15 am. In no time, I was kneading bread and boiling eggs. There are three stops that we serve, so there are three baskets of cinnamon bread, three baskets of boiled eggs, and three baskets of oranges. The idea is to show these people dignity, beyond what the world has shown them. There is always a tablecloth covering the table adorned with flowers and a candle, lit, to make sure that these men know we think they deserve the best. We were finished baking and boiling and ready to serve by 5:30 am. I actually was asked to drive to the first stop with three boys I had just met, and Kevin. Like I said, it was frigid outside. Something that looked close enough to snow was coating our vehicles. Everything inside me wanted to have stayed in my warm bed, when the alarm went off this morning at 3:30 am. But God had planned otherwise.

I had gone for the first time to Breakfast Brigade two weeks ago. I was chatting with a friend, Lawrence, at CRU, and he randomly asked me what I was doing at 4 am the next morning. My natural response was "sleeping;" what any other person in their right mind would be doing at 4 in the morning on a Friday. But I guess "right mindedness" is subjective. He invited me to come, and I oblidged, knowing I wouldn't get to bed until 2 am and later chaperone a lock-in at Family Church. My mind was somewhere else that morning. I prayed for God to give me opportunity, but what little opportunity I was given drowned in the incessant voice in my head reminding me of how tired I was, and how much stuff I had to do later that day. I was almost disappointed. There were so many people there to help serve, it was hard to find anything to do sometimes. All I had done was serve food. I didn't learn a name... I didn't make a difference. Of course, this is an unfair statement, but I will get to that later.

Today was different. I woke up knowing my mission, and not thinking about my day. I was living for the now. As we walked through the doorway at the Catholic Worker House to begin preparations, everyone rejoiced, and I realized, they were short-handed. Already, God was out to prove something to me. Like I said earlier, I was even able to drive to one of the locations!! Not only did I feel needed for once, but I met two guys at our labor pool, Jerell and Curtis. We talked about the weather, about their hometowns, about their grandchildren, about their lives... I had given the morning to God, and He had given me a bit-o-heaven. I hope that in ten minutes of conversation, they felt something special. Something better. Love, in its purest form, straight from the hand of God.

I've learned that you can't give God parameters. Expectations are only going to destroy your vision. Usually I go into service projects expecting to be disappointed and come out completely humbled. On my first venture to Breakfast Brigade, I left discouraged, but not because God did reveal Himself, but because I refused to let Him roam outside of my expectations. This time I released God from the box that I firmly placed Him in and allowed Him to fill my voids. Pray in earnest... don't waste God's time. "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." -Mark 11:24

Listen for that still small voice, behind all the clutter, behind all the agendas, and behind all of the life. It's trying to break through when you need it the most. Count on it to be there, and don't be surprised when you finally hear it... because it has always been there.

Become void of all expectations, and God will become boundless in you.

.kristen.

Life or something like it...

2009-02-05T23:59:00.003-05:00

**This was actually something I wrote in October... It's so cool to see how much God can change my life in no time at all.**

October 2, 2008:

It's evaluation time once again. I feel that everyone gets to some point in their life where they can't help but look around and ask "how the heck did I get here?!" As a senior in college, this evaluation process is basically defining what very well could be the rest of my life. I have always been told that I have a lot of potential... that I could change things if I wanted to. This summer, in a very awkward conversation, someone basically told me I was going to change the world. "Some people are meant to live, and some people are meant to change the world... you are one of those people." What do you say to that, right? Well, I said thank you. It was all I could think of at the time, and followed my appreciation with a: "I wish I knew how I was going to do that." I was told that I would figure it out; yeah well, I haven't figured it out yet.

I was inspired recently by a song. As a musician it is very easy for me to just LISTEN to music, but not really listen. I listen for clever melodies and beautiful piano riffs, but sometimes the lyrics just fly by. Well, for some reason this day I tuned into the words... and it was as if that day, God was truly speaking to me:

"The earth was shaking in the dark.
All creation felt the Fathers Broken Heart.
Tears were filling Heaven's Eyes,
The day that True Love died, the day that True Love died.
When blood and water hit the ground,
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive,
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died."

How I choose to change the world will be revealed when I realize I am not the one changing the world. I am a vessel. All things were, are and will be done through the power that lives inside me. Yes, He lives... that's a key concept that we as Christians miss and those are the moments that we get most discouraged, thinking that we cannot do the things that we were meant to do. Heck, if I know how my great story will play out, but my first step is just acceptance - God break my heart for what breaks yours. "For to be sure, he was crucified in weakness, yet he lives by God's power. Likewise, we are weak in him, yet by God's power we will live with him to serve you." - 2nd Corinthians 13:4

Allow God to be the author of your remarkable story.

With love. Kristen.

pain.

2009-02-05T02:08:00.005-05:00

My legs hurt. Basically, tonight I got reamed in intramural soccer. Why would I spend an entire post telling you how sore I am...? Well, I'm getting there. In my pain, I was just thinking; I used to run cross country in high school, and when it got down to the bitter end, no energy left, I would picture Christ on the cross. I know it seems a little morbid, but honestly, have you ever thought about it. I know the "Passion of the Christ" was the closest thing we have to seeing Jesus truly suffering, but who even knows. When I watched that movie, I felt pain, so I can't even imagine the real deal.

I complain about the tiniest pains... Don't get me wrong though, I'm not telling you to never whine or whatever, that is your own prerogative. But seriously, our pain is nothing. Praise God that I have legs to hurt!! Praise God that I can feel those legs!! Americans turn everything around to reveal negativity. In fact, today my roommates were deciding who was going to drive on a game of "rock, paper, scissors." They claimed the winner had to drive. I thought this to be a strange concept. Usually, the loser has to drive. Hence, negative "loser" placement associates with negative "having to drive" outcome. This is to this as that is to that... our mind is drawn to the negativity automatically. It makes it very difficult to love God at times.

But back to this pain concept... He suffered. Beyond any suffering this world knows. He took on your suffering as well as His own, and then was flogged and nailed to a cross. I struggle with understanding love, but I surely understand this. I would love to say right now, "yeah, of course I will take on the burden of humanity and die for everyone." Heck, it's difficult for me to say that I would die for the people I love the most. Jesus died for those who may never know Him. He died for the worst and for the best. The man that I keep walking by and ignoring on University Ave. with the guitar, He died for him. Bill Gates... yeah, He died for him. Kristen Rupert... hard for me to believe, but yes, all the same.

Pain is good, or at least the way I see it.

First of all, it serves as a reminder. Hey, you're alive. Hey, Jesus endured one-hundred times this for you. And hey, right about now, you should start feeling good about your pain. Second of all, I would like to look at this in an exercise science light. When you work out, play a sport, run a marathon, depending on how hard you work, chances are your muscles will get sore. The pain in this sense is good though - the pain is usually caused by tiny abrasions in your muscles. When you work out and stretch and contract the muscles so much, they just kind of start to tear. As these tiny tears begin to heal, stronger tissue is produced. Good pain. Sometimes it hurts to grow, hurts to change, hurts to love. But the truth is... you are gaining strength, endurance, and what does that lead to?? Perseverance. And what does James tell us about that?? Mature faith.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
- James 1:2-4

All this to say, let the pain come. Take it. Grow in it. Remember Jesus.

Your gain, His pain.

.k10.

Lovely death

2009-02-03T01:25:00.005-05:00

i just started this new fantastic thing... reading. i have wayyy too much time on my hands, so i decided to catch up on all the books that i told myself i would read by now. i read "the shack" a couple of weeks ago, and just finished "redeeming love" this weekend.

i love the idea of love. it's so simple, yet so hard for us to understand. especially, unconditional love... everything in life, we live with conditions. if it rains - i'm taking a nap. if she does this - then i'm doing that. if i can't find a job - i will go back to school. everything is a stipulation of something else. so yeah, it's difficult to just be like, "what? oh, ok, just love me for no reason other than to love me." as someone who has come from what i would call a "hard knock life," i know that it is even harder to understand love. when you never had a human model to go by, then it never really existed in your life. i struggle believing that people let alone God could love me. anyone that has been hurt countless times by life, only knows what it means to be hurt.

you cannot love or change people, but God can. everything good comes first from Him. apart from Him, we are nothing, but destined to mess up. MESSY. but like i always conclude - the messier you are, the better. God can't fix something that isn't broken, or clean what isn't dirty. let him work through your clutter. the more you bring to the table, the more people God can impact, through you.

i have struggled with ways to tell people about God's love. i am not much into initiative evangelism. i feel that God has called me to be relational, so when i am able to talk about God, the person knows and trusts me. people don't care to hear that you think some man died on a cross for them. unless they are a Christian they will snub it off, and ask if they should start believing in David Blane. i was playing "underground church" with a bunch of middle school youth at Family Church 2 weeks ago, and i was in charge of keeping the prisoners in the jail. the idea is, all of these kids are in a place where they are thrown in jail or killed for being a Christian and worshipping God. if they are thrown in jail, their only way out is to convert me. the kids continually told me about the all-powerful God and Jesus, who died on a cross, but i realized after a short time that when these kids actually do have to convert someone, those words may have no weight. your life is Jesus. so tell me about your life. i turned the questions back on them, and made them share what Jesus had done in their life, personally. some of the responses from these middle schoolers astounded me. one boy even delved in to his REAL personal life. i was impressed. impression... credibility... trust.

so i have realized that this post is a jumbled mix of thoughts running around in my head. it's all this reading stuff - blowin' my mind. nevertheless, i will leave you with this. "lovely, even in death." i'm actually quoting myself. it's a picture caption on one of my facebook pictures. the picture is a flower, clearly wilted and dead, but its colors still vibrant. the morning dew creates a shimmering pattern across the withered petals. with a beautiful death, the flower produces seeds... produces life. if only people could look at the world through God's eyes. He paints a new picture every morning and dots the sky at night. His heart breaks for hungry children and tears fall for the widow. in their hurt, He sees healing. in death, He sees life. what a wonderful world it would be... it could be.

let it be.

.kristen.

Know It All

2009-01-07T17:32:00.002-05:00

Have you ever felt that you just had it all figured out. Well, I think that is the problem with us now-a-days. We think we have figured out our lives, goals, friends, family, and what more, we think we have figured out God. I have been reading "The Shack" the past couple of weeks, and the more and more I think about the controversy that surrounded that book, the more and more I just want to tell people how truly ridiculous they are. Since when can we read something and say, "that is NOT God." You don't know!! The whole point of life is to strive to know, but honestly, God is who He is, and He is beyond us. I think that is the greatest thing about him. As a human, it is our goal to figure everything out, and it is so like God to be unfathomable. It's irony biting us in the butts.

Why do I stand on my soapbox, you ask?? Well, here I am: 21 and in my last semester of college. What do I do?? It would be easy for me to say that I need to try and "figure out my life," but I have also come to the realization that no matter how hard I try, it's not about "figuring," it's about trusting. Of course, I won't sit by and wait for God to send out my resume or applications, but honestly, I won't sit by and depict my life in a two minute catch-up conversation with a friend. From the very beginning, God called me to great things. He called us all to great things, but very few answer their true calling and give up the desire to define themselves before the age 25. "What do you do??" That solemn question... Well, if you can answer that in a couple words and you are a Christian, then either you have been practicing and pruning your answer or you need to reevaluate some things. In every way, "what you do" should be more than a job or an education. It should be your testimony. In every way, live your life like you are writing a new page everyday.

From the very moment I became a Christian, I knew God had called me to great things. Great things. Now I am part of a project team planning to plant a church in the inner-city of Mobile. Jesus met the poor and needy where they were... and so will we. You have something great there waiting for you to pick up the reigns. Don't define yourself, EVER. Live everyday to redefine yourself.

Love,
k10

Retreat.

2008-10-16T23:00:00.004-04:00

What is a retreat?? It's a time for you to "escape," "getaway," and "hide" from what the world deals out to you everyday. So I have to decide what retreat I want to attend. On the one hand, we have a youth retreat, where I will be facilitating the spiritual growth of over 40 middle school youth. It seems like the opportunity of a lifetime. On the other hand, we have Theta Alpha retreat... the first one that I will attend, and actually be an "attendee." No duties, no strings attached. I have not had a major hand in helping plan things, and i will only help lead worship a little, which is what i LOVE to do. So why the predicament, huh? It seems that logic would have me choose the latter of the two options. Though, the logic seems clear, I am ultimately torn... quite a paradox. All my life, I have served. When someone asked for help with something, I was always there to volunteer. When someone asked me to spend one semester of my life planning every detail of one weekend retreat for 80 people I obliged kindly and smiled. I guess I get it from my mom, but I just don't stop going and doing. I cannot help but want to focus on other people. It helps me to escape from the reality in my own life. The more I think about your problems and how I can fix them, the less time I have to spend focusing on myself, and realizing the Hell that I live in everyday. It is part of my career goals: counsel people... a.k.a. live their life for a moment and work out the issues. Maybe it's time for me to start living for myself.

Kevin asked me something very important the other day: "Kristen, how many years have you spent interacting with youth and helping with their spiritual growth?" I answered, "A LOT!!" He continued, "So, why don't you spend time with your peers? The people that you very rarely help, and the people that you only have one more year with?" It was a very valid point. It's almost easy for me to hang out with youth and try to help them, like my comfort zone. I have been doing that since my freshman year in high school... but my peers, now that's another story. I help as best I can, but a lot of times I feel incapable, when it comes to aiding in God's mission in their lives. When someone your own age tries to help you, your first response is to write them off, because the are the "same age" as you. I guess it's time for me to step out of my comfort zone, because God is definitely pulling me in one direction. So, then it's time to prove the devil wrong.

Kelly and I sat in the living room for a while last night talking about what I should do. She's so great. She noticed my distress and just sat there listening intently and adding commentary when she could. I have suffered with depression much of my college career, and she noticed my recent change in demeanor. She pushed me to see that I needed to do some things for myself. And in turn, I will be able to affect people. The whole idea with planning and executing a retreat is you have to have something to give to the people who are going... well, in the state that I am in, clearly I have nothing to give, whether I want to believe that or not. I need a weekend for restoration, and then I can worry about my relationships with people. A lot of times we focus so much on loving people, we forget to love God. They are both commandments, but one clearly comes before the other. Love God, then love people.

Do something for yourself once in a while. Forget the idea of selfishness, because God called us to a relationship with him. Just because we recognize that once in a while, does not mean we are selfish.

Love,

k10

GO big or GO home.

2008-10-10T01:39:00.007-04:00

Lately, I have just been thinking. I know, strange right? Who just sits around and thinks? I have been thinking about my future, thinking about tomorrow, thinking about life!! As a senior in college, you have to think of these things, or at least postpone your graduation one more year so you don't have to think of these things. I just never thought that I would be at a point in my life where I am looking at so many people and places and potential, but still nothing seems to be answering my questions. Where? When? How? Just a little hint, por favor!! Nevertheless, I know whatever God has planned for me is something big... I just wish I knew what it was.

I am soooooo ready for Mexico!! Yikes! I was actually just looking at my friend Caroline's blogspot and realized how much I want to be there right now. I miss mis ninos! I guess my problem is that I wish I was somewhere else doing something else, instead I should be focusing on where I am and what I'm doing now. I also wish I was back at Spanish Fort. I feel like I have left a piece of my heart there, and no matter how hard I try to volunteer and love on kids at Family Church, I am still just empty.

Life was so easy when I didn't have to make decisions. My heart is in so many places right now, but I feel as though God will reveal something very soon. Or at least I am praying HARD that God will do so. I've realized life is less lived when we live for the past or future. In fact, we are not living at all if we choose to remove ourselves from our present state. We are thinking... not living. So we are back at this concept of thinking. Live for today, for this second, for this moment. Stop thinking... the farthest distance between us and God is 18 inches: the distance between the heart and the mind.

Last week, to this day, I was able to escape to the beach: the only place I feel like I can truly escape... other than on top of a mountain I guess (because we have a lot of those around). The waves crashing, leaving a beautiful reflection of the sun behind. People laying and napping in the beaming sunlight, seemingly without a care in the world. I love that feeling, when you look at something so marvelous and unique, like the powerful ocean, and you lose track of who you are and what you need to do. It's all about that moment... that place... that wave. I love surfing, too. I think that I would die if I didn't get a decent ride in at least once a month. Surfing is obviously not the equivalent to laying on the beach, but once again, that moment when your arms are dying, but you are paddling out ahead of a wave, finally you feel the board catch, and you drop in to the mercy of the wave. Ahhhh... that is the epitome of living. We paddle and paddle waiting on the perfect wave, and when it comes we just tag along for the ride. My perfect wave has yet to come, but I just need to make sure not to waste my time and energy on the waves that never amount to anything.

Oh, life.

"I see you there hanging on a tree,
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me.
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne,
Soon we will be coming home... You're beautiful."
-Phil Wickham

Love,
k10

Mama Yoli

2008-06-11T23:00:00.008-04:00

It feels like so long ago... it feels like it has been a decade. I remember the sad and bitter feelings, songs, and writings. I remember the pain, the confusion, and the denial. Sometimes I wonder if I have ever really recovered, or if I just pretend and hide everyday. Yoli was my inspiration and my rock in so many ways, and maybe I depended on her too much. I am always looking for some logical reason why God would take her from this earth so early. She had so much left to accomplish, and it's funny that I say that, because despite her absence here on earth, she is still doing so much...

Today was the dedication ceremony for Mama Yoli's house: a massive 3 story building that will now house over 250 children in the community of Atacucho, Ecuador. So many unresolved feelings were finally satisfied and so many uncried tears finally fell. There were no words to express my joy and humility as I looked around the roof of the building into the eyes of hundreds of Ecuadorians whose lives have been and will be changed through Yoli's legacy. Whether I want to believe it or not, she is still here. She lives in me and those who she loved and the children in Ecuador.

God has kept me from Ecuador for almost 7 years now... I may never know why, but I know why he allowed me to go this year, this summer, this moment: resolution. Sometimes God gives us a little glimpse of Heaven, and I believe today was one of those days. The joy and comfort I felt today was beyond any earthly definition, beyond humanity. During the ceremony, one of my church dads stood up to represent Yoli as a friend, and as he looked at me and my tears, he commented, "Those people around who are crying are not crying out of sadness, but instead happiness." The next thing I know, Michael, a boy who was sitting on my lap turned to look into my eyes. He wiped a tear from my cheek and asked, "Estas feliz?" I replied, "Estoy feliz... estoy muy feliz!" If you ever for once believed that God couldn't change your heart every day, every moment, then you have never been humbled like I was sitting there. Who was there for who?? Thinking that I was in this country to change lives and teach these kids about love, Michael gave me a lesson of my own and I will never be able to repay him. Love is something we try to define and throw around, but it is life, it is unfathomable, and it is God. If we have God, we have love... what else is there to understand??

I will always remember you Michael. I will always remember you Mama Yoli.

- Kristen

The Summer Begins...

2008-05-25T23:00:00.000-04:00

So as God would have it, I am here at Spanish Fort. Through years of random introductions that turned into friendships and people leaving and joining new churches, I find myself in this new environment. I am STOKED. This could very well be one of the best and most influencial summers of my life. With Ecuador, Camp Alpha and the internship in general, it is looking very promising. I also figured Richard and I would make the best intern pair the world has ever seen... so we will see how that goes. Nevertheless, I can already tell that God has something crazy awesome in store for this summer, and do not plan to be selfish with His will!! I will make sure to keep updating throughout the summer!!

Much Love,

Kristen

My offering

2008-03-15T23:00:00.005-04:00

So as I thought my trip was over, it was far from it. Kaitlin was still stuck in Atlanta, but we found out that she got a flight into Gainesville at 11:30 am. Well, that didn't work out as we planned either... we went to the airport 3 different times, and finally when she actually was landing, we were late. Ellie, Betsy, and I had bought her a bunch of goodies that would remind her of Mexico and make her feel better for having to get stuck in Atlanta. It was a glorious reunion. We went to claim her luggage, and found that it didn't quite make it to Gainesville yet. As if anything could get any worse. It would be delivered to her sometime tomorrow, so she would still have to get by with no clothing like the day before. We finally were able to leave the airport, and with a new found hatred for them we did it in a hurry. We quickly sped to the teller window, and being right on time, we didn't have to pay the parking fee. With much rejoicing, we went on our way to Ellie's apartment.

On the way there for some reason a boy walking caught my eye. I recognized him from waiting at baggage claim, and wondered if he had a far way to walk. He looked like a UF student and if he was trying to get anywhere near to campus he had at least a 6 mile walk. So I collectively we decided to turn around and see what was up. We pulled over and asked him if he needed a ride, he responded with a no, because he was just looking for a bus stop. Well, we informed him there were not any bus stops for miles and offered him a ride. With a surprised look on his face he said sure. We loaded his guitar in the back and asked him where he lived. We asked him about his studies and why he was walking, and before we knew it we were at his house. I got out to help him with his bags, and he looked at me and said "thank you, seriously, you made my week." He was supposed to hang out with his mom in Miami, but she blew him off, so he went to visit his grandma in Atlanta. Then he came home to find out that his ride could not come get him. We definitely made his week.

The kindness did not stop there as we went to Satchel's for lunch. We brought in the cake that we had bought for Kaitlin so we could eat it after pizza. We offered our waitress some and she immediately obliged. Afterwards, Kaitlin asked us if she could give her cake away to the restaurant staff. We all agreed, "Kaitlin, it's your cake, you can do whatever you want with it!" So as we left, we offered the cake to our waitress. With a surprised expression she said, "sure!"

I never thought that I could apply the lessons I learned and the wisdom I gained in Mexico to my real life. However much we wish that mission trips were our "real" life, they never are. It's so much harder to go back to the stiff and judgmental United States and try to impact someone. But God proved me wrong in this case. Clearly I had limited His power by assuming things. He can work in our lives and give us opportunity if we don't put it passed him. When we doubt ourselves it's a form of doubting God, our creator. This week has shown me that it's more than just an offering... it's a sacrifice. We can surrender half way and fake it, and try to trick God, but nothing but complete and utter surrender will suffice or will change your life. Ha... trick God? Seriously, I've tried. This world is hard on us... the US is hard on us... our families are hard on us... we are hard on ourselves. "But take heart, for I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

-k10

...in the end

2008-03-14T23:59:00.010-04:00

We had to wake up a little earlier than usual because we were leaving for the airport at 8:15 am. We got up at 7 am and made sure that we were all packed and ready to go by 7:40 am. We took our luggage out to the LBM, ready to be packed into the Suburban, and then got out some cereal for breakfast. The Austin, TX group had already left at 6 am that morning, so we really didn't get to say goodbye to them. We sat outside one last time to soak in the amazing view from the picnic tables outside the LBM. The weather was a little warmer to, so everything was just about perfect. Greg came out to work early to sit with us and say goodbye. For the last time, we quoted a little office, and laughed about playing Catch Phrase in the car. Greg was followed by Cathy and Katey. We took some group photos with the Huffer's and then with our buddy Katey, and then it was time to go.

The goodbyes were bittersweet. While I knew I would be able to come home and share everything that has happened to me, I still wanted to stay right in Mexico, and not go anywhere. I felt like I was having to leave my heart behind. Just like leaving Sabinas a few days before. Rodo didn't come out to say goodbye, so we were a little sad about that as well. Rene was going to be going with Katey to the airport so she didn't have to drive home alone. We piled into the Suburban one last time, waved goodbye to Cathy, Greg, and the B2B facility, and the amazing view. We probed Rene with questions about his life in the 45 minutes to the airport. As always, we felt like he needed to be our best friend, just like Katey, lol. We made it to the airport, unloaded the luggage, and then we said our goodbyes to the lovely Katey. Thank goodness she was there to keep us sane this week.

We went inside the airport to check in, and found out our first flight out of Monterrey would be on a tiny Aeromexico plane. The had to individually open all of our bags and check them for security. We warned them not to open the garbage bags because they were lice bags and needed to stay closed for the next 10 days. I think we scared them a little. Once we got through security and checked-in our bags we walked down the hall of random applause. Seriously, you would just be walking and then all of the sudden it sounded like there was a theater full of people clapping. We easily went through the security check point, since Ellie didn't have any liquids, and I didn't have the boot, and made it to our gate. Everything they said on the loud speaker was in Spanish and was never repeated in English, so we were trying to guess what we were supposed to do. All we really could understand was puerta negra catorce... black gate 14 (heck if I knew what that meant). We had to present our boarding passes and then go through another intense round of security, including frisking, opening and turning on the laptop, and taking off our shoes.

We all were starving and Ellie wasn't feeling so well. None of us really wanted to leave Mexico, so all of us were in bad moods. Then we realized our flight was delayed, just like it had been on our original flight into Monterrey. It took about an extra 45 minutes for us to be boarded on the plane, and then we had to walk .25 mile out to our tiny jet. We climbed up what appeared to be a pool ladder to get into the plane... seriously, it was tiny. They offered us tiny Mexican candies before we got on the plane, and considering the fact that I was starving, I openly obliged the offer. Ellie was still feeling sick, and we reminded her to get the bag out of her seat, because it would have been an awful ride otherwise, since the plane was so small. I got to sit right beside Betsy and Lauren, and we were very excited about this, because we always seemed to be on opposite ends of the plane.

The flight out of Monterrey was gorgeous, with the clear skies and mountain ranges in full view. The flight was only about an hour to San Antonio and they gave us funny lime peanuts, but I was so hungry I didn't even care. Once we got to San Antonio, we had to go get our bags rechecked, and then we went to find our gate. This was the point where we would be leaving Kaitlin, because she had an extra 2 hour lay-over in San Antonio that we didn't have. We had some time to get food and candy, and we were a little relieved to be back in a place where we weren't the minority. Our flight again was somewhat delayed with boarding and then taking off, but the flight overall was ok. I sat close to the front while Ellie, Betsy, and Lauren sat near to one another in the back.

We made it into Atlanta, and my gate was just a few gates down from where we arrived. I had about 20 minutes until I started boarding, so I hung out with Ellie, Betsy, and Lauren for the time I had left with them. I was departing an hour before them on a different flight. While we were waiting, Kaitlin called to tell us that she was still in San Antonio, and if they didn't leave soon that she would miss her connecting flight in Atlanta. There were a lot of delays because of the bad weather in Atlanta. I assured her that it would be ok and we would be praying for her. Glory strength was once again our theme for the day to alleviate our frustrations. Right before I got on the plane we found out that Kaitlin got on her plane, but now we would just have to see if she would make it on time.

I got on my last plane of the day, and honestly I was excited to just get back to Orlando. We were delayed in getting out of Atlanta by about 40 minutes, but the flight went by so quickly, the flight attendants didn't even have time to serve about 75% of the plane. When I landed and turned on my phone I called Kaitlin, but she had her phone off, so I was hopeful that she would make it to Atlanta in time. I then got text messages from the girls in Atlanta telling me that they would be delayed for another hour and wouldn't get into Orlando until 12 am. So no biggie... I had two hours to myself. When I got to baggage claim, I got a phone call from Kaitlin.

She was crying hysterically, telling me that she missed her flight by 2 minutes, and the only flight she could get into Orlando would be tomorrow at 3:30 pm. As she was telling me this, I realized that not only was my luggage on the plane, but so was Betsy, Ellie, and Lauren's. So now here I was trying to figure things out with Kaitlin and grabbing eight pieces of luggage off the belt. Kaitlin told me that she was going to call her parents and then call me back to let me know what was going on, so I dragged the luggage off to the side and sat down for a couple hours. When I talked to Kaitlin again she said that she was able to get a hotel and she would be flying into Gainesville the next day at 11:35 am. We were all relieved to hear the good news. There were tornadoes in downtown Atlanta, so everything was going crazy at not only the airport, but equally in the city. Lauren, Betsy, and Ellie arrived around 12:30 am, and we made our way out to the car.

Lauren's boyfriend came to pick her up, so we said our goodbyes, and took one last photo, and then we were on our way back to Gainesville. Of course I would almost us on the way home. After getting gas, I had to check and see if we were going the right way on the interstate so i made a somewhat illegal u-turn to read the sign... it made for a funny picture and story. Once we got back to Gainesville, we went our separate ways, and i literally fell into bed and into sleep.

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." -1 John 4:16

-k10

The Cadareta

2008-03-13T23:59:00.008-04:00

As always we began the day with the routine of cereal at 8:30, quiet time at 9:00, and then small group at 9:30 am. We were told to be ready to leave for the Cadareta at 10 am, so we decided to start small group a little early. I spent my quiet time writing a letter to myself that will later be mailed to me, to remind me of the things that God has taught me in Mexico. As we started small group we went over some of the questions, like how we could take our offer home. We talked about how hard it's going to be when we get home, and how much we are going to need each other. At that point I realized Kaitlin was not talking all that much, and so I asked her if something was wrong. Immediately she began crying, and she admitted that she had been feeling something since we left the children's home the day before. She felt like she had not made an impact on any of the kids like we did, that she was always in the background, and that she felt very empty leaving the children's home and not sad at all...

Honestly, I got a little passionate/angry. I told her that if I could just name just one child that she had impacted I would, but instead I would have to name 23. I basically yelled at her, and started crying myself telling her that I have never met someone as light hearted and caring as her, and there is no way that she didn't get something through to those children. By the time we had finished our small group time Ellie, Kaitlin, and I were crying and we prayed while in a group hug... lol. That's our dysfunctional family for ya!

By then it was time for us to leave for the Cadareta, which was a shanty town about 45 minutes away. We had to pack our lunches after breakfast (PB&Js, cheetos, and oreos), and were told that we would stop at a gas station on the way there to eat our food. All the gas stations in Mexico are very clean, far beyond what are gas stations are here, and this one was no exception, lol. We literally stood outside by the Suburban and ate our lunch. It was about 12 pm at this point.

Today we were travelling with Gabriel (Gabo) and Katey. About 10 minutes from the town, Gabo told us we would be moving about 600 cinder blocks inside the area where they are building a church and kitchen, because the blocks kept getting stolen. These people had nothing, so it was convenient for them to take the blocks to build up their shanties. Gabo introduced us to the ministry there at the Cadareta. A pastor and his wife minister to the people and help provide them with anything that they have to give. The faith of the people in this town is so strong because of the things that they have to deal with everyday. These people are still happy though because they know what love truly is.

We started our work with loading the cinder blocks 3 at a time into the wheel barrows and then they were carried up a small hill into the unfinished building to be re-stacked in a corner. This was quite a feat for 5 girls to accomplish but we kept on trucking through the pain and through the injuries. Glory strength in the Lord was the only thing that kept us going. Gabo and another guy there, Darren, helped us with the last of the loads. They were taking 9 and 10 at a time! Once we were finished we felt very accomplished, but from there we went straight to serving the people in the Cadareta. All the children had been hanging around and trying to help us, and being very loving. At one point I saw the children playing with Styrofoam and it almost appeared as if they were opening presents on Christmas morning, they were so excited.

We split up into 3 groups. Betsy and I went with the pastor's wife, Katey took Kaitlin and Lauren, and then Ellie and another girl Hannah went with Kelly, Gabo's wife. She actually said that she tries to come out once a week to visit the people. We went down the three different aisles of houses and let the people know that we would be serving food at 3 pm. It was amazing to see the pastor's wife interact with the people. She knew all their stories and all their names. She was very much invested in their lives and cared about what they were going through. The houses were awful... just some cement with whatever else they could find to throw on there. Some garage doors, fences and sheet metal along with blankets and some cardboard. It was truly amazing that these people had such a strong hope in their conditions. It was beautiful to see the children playing in the streets and having a good time, and also helping their parents with the daily chores. They took care of one another.

When we got back to the unfinished building where we would be serving food, the people already started to come out and line up. I was on drink duty with Katey, Darren on doritos, Kaitlin on salsa, Ellie on crema, Betsy on queso, and Lauren on cabbage. We were to serve over 350 people, mostly children. It was hot and we were tired from the cinder block moving but it was so worth it to see the faces of the children light up when they knew that they were going to get food. They were all so friendly and wonderful, and just wanted to be loved on. It took us an hour and a half to serve all of the people, and then it was time for us to pack up and go. The kids swarmed us and we got to play and hang out with them for a little bit before we left. We then gave the leftover food to the pastor and we were on our way.

We went from the Cadareta to B2B to drop off the trailer and then to EL POLLO LOCO! A much anticipated restaurant for our trip. The food was amazing. All the chips and salsa you want and smoked chicken. It was terrific, and like always I scarfed down my food. We got to eat with all the staff workers and even the pastor and his wife. We said our goodbyes to them after dinner as they thanked us with the usual Mexican adios (kiss on the right cheek). Then we went back to the facility to unload the trailer and clean-up the stuff that we had taken with us to the Cadareta. On the way home we saw an interesting parade. Gabo told us it was for Easter coming up, since there were nuns with microphones involved. It didn't take us long to clean up and then we were allowed to shop at the market that was set up outside the LBM. It opened as soon as we got home and finished at 7 pm. We shopped for about an hour or so and then Cathy told us that we would be debriefing at 8:30 pm at her apartment, so that we could shower and whatnot before we started.

We got up to her apartment just upstairs from us, and she had bought us ice cream and all the fixins for ice cream sundaes. Greg was there to greet us as well and we reminisced about Sabinas and all the fun that we had there. We got our ice cream and we were able to get the tour of her house, and her family (Mark, Luke, and Ben). We sat down and ate a little and then just told some stories from Sabinas and the Cadareta that day. Glory strength seemed to be our theme for that day, and we were able to tell stories from the day, and how God had kept us going when we didn't have anything left to give. We each were told to get a stone and then to say one thing that God has taught us. The stone would serve as a reminder to what God was teaching us when we got back to the states. My stone represents all the dependency issues I have, and being able to accept people's love and help. God definitely worked on me this week, and revealed to me how I would have been useless without my awesome girls and the leaders from B2B.

Katey came up to visit a little with us and we made her share her Valentine's Day date story. Let's just say that Rene is one amazing guy... she told us that we would be leaving for the airport at 8:15 am the next morning, and Rene would be coming with us! So we finished our debriefing with an overview of more ways we can help B2B and with prayers all around. We were exhausted from the days work so when we got back to the room we packed a little and then we were ready to crash.

"As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us." -Colossians 1:9

-k10

last day @ Sabinas

2008-03-12T23:59:00.004-04:00

We woke up to the usual morning routine, but then realized that this would be our last day at Sabinas. We had breakfast at 8 am as usual and then quiet time and small group time. This time we sat up in the middle of the children's home by the fountain, where the cats still came to love on us. During small group time we talked about character over comfort and talked about how rewarding it is to sometimes be in the background and to sometimes be doing the dirty work. We read Romans 12:6-10 where it talks about all our gifts and how we can use them. We then reminisced on the past couple days and the way that we had impacted each other and how the kids had impacted us.

We started work at 9:30 am as usual, and everything left to do was just simply touch up work. We were putting the second coat on the big room, bathrooms, and the laundry room, and the edging definitely needed a second coat as well, so that is what I did the majority of the time. Greg, Katey, and Rodo helped with scraping and smoothing the windows, and then started with the black oil paint about 45 minutes before we were finished working. Greg told us at about 12ish to start wrapping things up, because he wanted us to spend the rest of the time that we had with the children. He wanted us to be cleaned up and ready to play by the time they arrived home from school.

The van pulled up and I felt a sinking feeling as I knew that this might be the last time that I would see a lot of their shining faces... but there was joy knowing that other groups would be able to come and invest in their lives just like we had done. The kids piled out and many of them ran up to us and gave us hugs before they went to change out of their uniforms. We had lunch with them one more time, and it was similar to beef stew with the usual rice and tortillas. The girls saved me a seat once again and for the last time. At the lunch table we quietly discussed our eye color with the girls and then I had to convince Angelica that I was not Lauren's sister. Angelica also was prone to forget my name. After a while though I think she was just trying to joke around with me. We finished lunch and the kids started to get into their usual play routine. I went and sat with little Jeremy for a while and laughed with him about how much fun we had the day before and how much he loves airplanes.

We then decided that we would hand out all the candy donations that we had brought. This meant a lot of air heads, starbursts, and laffy taffy. There was so much candy that I was practically throwing it at the children. They did not have any opposition to the action though! We also gave candy to the adults and the directors of the children's home. After we finished passing out the candy and started to say our goodbyes, the directors called us into their office. They gave us a car window sticker, bracelets, their business card and a magnet all for Casa Hogar Douglas in Sabinas. We were all very excited about this and just about speechless. They thanked us in Spanish and Rodo helped translate. Greg asked if we had anything to say, and I asked Rodo to just tell them thank you for all that they do for the children and thank you for letting us come be a part of God's work that is going on here! Tears were beginning in my eyes as I saw their faces light up in response to my thanks. They told us to come back PLEASE! And we said we would be back soon and would stay forever if we could.

We left with the normal Mexico greeting and goodbye, a handshake and a kiss on the right cheek. The directors were truly an inspiration and their faith and stamina is beyond expression in words. We left the office and so began the goodbyes... Most of the children were doing their homework or playing, but they stopped what they were doing to come say goodbye and get one last hug. We went to the girls room where they began throwing their belongings at us. Nanci gave me what looked like a little Mardi Gras bear, and Juanita handed me a bracelet for the one of the Monterrey soccer teams. After this I gave Sara a hug and as we were hugging I said dame un abrazo grande, which means give me a BIG hug! And so she did. She gave me about 6 more hugs, squeezing me tight and making me and all the other kids laugh. I hugged all the boys, and gave Jonathan a pat, because he was too cool for a hug. Then I had to say goodbye to Angelica. She held me tight for a good two minutes and then released me so I could say bye to some of the other children. Little Elliot ran up and gave me a huge long hug and I told him to be good for the directors.

Greg yelled to us from the Suburban and we began to make our way down the hill to the vehicle. I turned around to see Angelica standing there watching me leave. I opened my arms and asked for one more hug. She ran to me smiling and we had one last moment before I had to go. "Te quiero mucho," is all I could say without balling my eyes out. As we trekked our way down to the Suburban, it felt like an eternity. I found myself finally letting the tears out, and as we left no one said a word. Lupe and Julio opened the gate for us and we waved and said goodbye to them one last time. Then we were off, on our way back to the facility. The trip home was somber, and we talked about our experiences at Sabinas... thennnn, someone mentioned something about how much fun Catch Phrase was the night before, and suddenly Greg is holding the game in his hand. We split into 2 teams, and our trooper Greg played while driving. It was hilarious and a little scary, but we had fun. After some time we realized that we had gone through most of the clues so we decided to stop playing and take the rest of the trip to relax. We only had about 45 minutes left to get back anyway.

We got to drive through the downtown area which was very pretty and busy, and it was a relief to finally be back to Back2Back. Once we got there though we had to go through the lice shampooing process, and make sure that all our clothes were tightly sealed in the garbage bags that we were given on Sunday. Back2Back didn't want an outbreak at the facility, so it wasn't really a big deal. None of us were infested, but it was good to be cautious. We enjoyed our time in the yard by the faucet, with the stinky lice shampoo and tiny combs. Cathy then told us that we could take a break and shower and get settled back in, and that we wouldn't have to do anything until dinner at 6:30 pm. This gave us about an hour and a half, which we were excited about, because we didn't have to bathe in the tropical oasis!

We showered and checked emails and whatnot and then had an AMAZING dinner in the LBM. It was beef soft tacos with scrambled eggs and potatoes. I just about ate my hand, because I scarfed it down so fast. We sat with Todd's brother and his son and talked to him about Back2Back and how we found out about it, and what we did at Sabinas. Then Cathy told us we would have debriefing at 7:30 pm down in the big palapa. So we uploaded pictures, hung out a little and talk to the Austin crew about their trip to the Rio, and then headed down for debriefing. At debriefing we received a piece of notebook paper and a pen, and after telling Cathy some amazing stories from our trip she gave us instructions for what to do with the paper. First, we talked about how we all offered ourselves this week and what that looked like. She then told us that we would be writing encouraging notes about one another on these pieces of paper. The only catch was that you only had about a minute to do so. It was amazing to see all the nice things that everyone had to say about me, and it was just another thing to help us grow more together.

After debriefing, we all bought ice cream and diet pepsi and went through some of the pictures that I had put on my computer in the LBM. After laughing so hard and waking up some of the Austin, TX kids we moved into our dorm room and finished the slide show. By then it was about 12 am, so we all went to sleep still thinking about Sabinas, but ready for a new day and what that would bring.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith, in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself up for me." -Galatians 2:20

-k10

oh, the waterfall.

2008-03-11T23:59:00.005-04:00

Again we woke up to the beautiful ring tone of "siren" on my phone, and if that didn't get you then the roosters surely would. We then had breakfast at 8 am, quiet time at 8:30 am, and 9 am small group time. We discussed how the world really does get in the way a lot of the time when we want to fully surrender. Also, we talked about how we should bring God our everything, and not the things that are a little bit easier for us to let go! This morning was less eventful as the last, except for a visit by the usual cats and an adorable baby that Kimara was playing with. We also saw the cat from the night before that had been chased up a tree in a horrible cat fight. He appeared to have broken a leg trying to get back out of the tree, aka falling.

We then started our work day which was painting for all of us. We also finished some of the scraping of the windows that had not been done from the day before. I did mostly edging along with Lauren and Katey. We did the edging near the ceiling with a ladder and then scooted all the way around the room for the edging on the ground. We tried to keep our spirits up by singing Disney, the sound of music, and whatever else we could think of. Greg was surprised that I could sing and told Katey that she definitely needed to start singing like me. The room that we were preparing would be the room that other volunteer groups would get to stay in when they come, complete with bathrooms and a big living space. Next door would be the laundry room so that they could move the washer and dryer inside and attached to some piping so the washer would stop flowing water down the hill like a river after every load. Ellie, Betsy, and Kaitlin were rolling the walls in the main room and into the bathroom areas.

We were told to stop at 12:30ish to clean-up paint and everything else for lunch with the children. We had some sort of soup made with legitimate chicken broth with potatoes and carrots and of course rice and homemade tortillas! The girls again saved me a seat, so I sat near AnnaLaura, Lesli, Nanci, and Angelica. We scarfed down another meal after a lot of hard work out in the heat. The night before we had been told that we would be making a trip into town to pick up some things at the hardware store and to also just get a feel for the landscape. Then we were told during breakfast that we would be taking the kids on a hike immediately after lunch. This then changed to going to a park and having a cook-out with hot dogs. Greg went into town earlier to go to the hardware store and to pick-up the food for the cook-out. Katey and Rodo also made a run to the store and our lovely Katey made sure to pick us up some Coka light for later that day.

So now we were waiting and cleaning and then playing with the kids until it was time to leave around 2ish. We were sitting with the kids and waiting. I was sitting with Betsy and Angelica and started to talk to Angelica about her life in all the Spanish I could muster. We were then told that the reason we were waiting was because the kids were not done with their homework yet. We all sat under the pavilion just hanging out with the maintenance director, Greg, Rodo, Katey, and all the kids. I was talking to Elliot, Norma, and Angelica about colors, and while I said them in Spanish they would repeat them in English. It was finally time to go around 2:30 pm, and all of the kids piled into that one van and the Sabina's directors into another, while we piled into our lovely Suburban.

We drove through town and stopped at El Ojo de Agua. This was a park where there was a fancy pool complete with enormous water slide. Judging by the looks of the algae and lack of water, it wasn't really time to be swimming in it yet. The director said that usually the water is all the way full, but not around this time of year I guess. The boys began playing soccer, and Lesli escorted me to the bathroom... where I made sure NOT to flush my toilet paper. After about ten minutes it was time to get back in our vehicles because they knew of another place where we could go and really swim. We really didn't think we were going to have to swim especially because we didn't have bathing suits or anything, but when we were told that the kids wouldn't be able to swim if we didn't, then we had to do it for them!

We arrived at what looked like a similar park, but as we pulled up it was very astonishing... a hydroelectric dam waterfall and lake. It was glorious. The kids immediately ran to the water and jumped in. The kids literally dragged us to the waterfall, where we climbed inside past the pummelling waters and had a great time throwing mud and following the leader. After finishing our little trek, everyone headed over to the rope swing. It was funny watching Lauren, Betsy, Kaitlin, and Ellie attempt to swing on this rope. All the kids had it down to an art though. Before going back on shore, I discovered that there was a snake in the water that the boys were playing with. They were mostly trying to coax it away from them because they were scared, so i grabbed my hat, scooped up the snake and dragged it to the woods. The kids were perplexed that I did such a thing and asked me if i was scared. "Un poco," I replied.

We got out of the water and went over to the playground, where the kids were having a great time. I helped push Nanci on the tire swing with Ellie and Sucleli, and then went over to little Jeremy. I asked him if he wanted me to push him and he said yes. As I pushed him, he kept dragging his feet and then counting the number of marks he made. His mom kept looking over and smiling at me, as I would continue to push and encourage the feet dragging. We started to make the pile bigger and bigger with the gravel, and eventually we turned it into a bulldozing fest, where he would grab gravel, put it in my hands, and then I would dump it into the pile. I probably did this 50 times for the next thirty minutes, but I loved every moment of it.

Finally, it was time to eat, so I went to help serve and I was on drink duty. We fed the kids first and then we got food ourselves. Everyone was now freezing from swimming in their clothes and not having towels or any clothes to change into. They would come and cling on to you for warmth. Norma for one came and sat in my lap while I was eating my dinner, and I tried to offer her a little comfort. All of the chips and whatnot that we gave the kids had pogs inside, so I noticed that the kids would hang around waiting for you to finish your chips so that they could claim you prize. We gave them candy, cleaned up, and then it was about time to go.

Angelica asked me if I wanted to go swing with her and I said sure after I asked Greg if I had some time. Miguel followed us with his box of candy and beanie babies. Greg called over to me after about 5 minutes and Angelica, Miguel, and I started to walk back. I noticed that Miguel was limping a little while walking on the gravel so I asked if I could carry him. So Angelica grabbed his box, I grabbed his body, and we walked back to the vehicles together. We all piled into our prospective vehicles and then drove back to Casa Hogar Sabinas. All the kids went in to change their clothes a get ready for bed, because it was nearly 7 pm, and Greg told us that we would meet for debriefing at 7:30 pm, so we could get some showers in if we wanted to.

We met, and talked about what are some of the hardest burdens to carry for others, and what are the easiest. For me, it's hard to carry the burden of anxiety, but easy to carry burdens related to family issues. We then had a time to talk about how much we all mean to one another, especially on this trip, and how much we have offered and sacrificed. We then played speed scrabble and catch phrase, snacked and then went to bed. Tonight was the night that Kaitlin literally had to fish her toilet paper out of the toilet right after she flushed. Thank you for saving my life Kaitlin.

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." -Galatians 6:2

-k10

Labor Day!!

2008-03-10T23:59:00.002-04:00

We began the day with breakfast (the usual: Zucaritas and bread with peanut butter) at 8 am and then quiet time and small group time. We discussed offering ourselves completely and realized that our lives are not our own, but are for God. This morning we had visitors: the cats, the goats, and the talon. One of the goats had 3 legs... lol. They were chased back to their pin by Julio and Kimara with quite a commotion, including running, yelling, and throwing rocks. The older kids like Julio and Kimara went to school 3 times a week from 8 - 10 pm. All the other kids had left for school right down the road at around 8 am.

We started work at 9:30 am, and for me, Kaitlin, and Lauren we were up on the roof and for Ellie and Betsy it was sealing and painting walls. Thermotek was the name of the game, and the point was to seal the roof from the rain. It was a long and tedious job, but we finished the first roof. We first had to sweep the area of all the dirt and dust and then get the brushes to push around the Thermotek, which had the consistency of glue. After sweeping I got two large blisters on my thumbs, but was not going to let that stop me. Greg also had us put on firefighter boots to make sure that the stuff didn't ruin our shoes. Once we finished the laundry room roof we moved on to the second coat on the roof of the kitchen.

This roof was four times the size of the other, and before we could begin we had to break up cement and clay molds and put them in the surrounding cinder block holes. It was like moving shards of glass, especially with my newly formed blisters. We decided not to wear the boots this time, because it made it easier to move around the roof, and we weren't too worried about ruining our shoes. At about 12:30 pm the kids came home and all 23 or so were piled into one van! It was an amazing sight to see them flow out of the doors. We were still up on the roof which was a surprise to most of the children, and they laughed and waved when they saw us. We were very excited to see our new friends and were ready to play! After about 30 more minutes after the children changed out of their uniforms, we were told to get off the roof because it was time to eat lunch with the kids.

We ate some authentic Mexican food, that was some sort of beef mix with potatoes, rice, and homemade tortillas. It was fun eating with the kids and we made sure to be quiet this time. Some of the girls saved me a seat and motioned for me when I turned around with my food. After lunch the wind really picked up and it looked like a storm was blowing in. All of the sudden, the breeze went from 0 - 30 mph! Of course, we would be getting back on the roof to finish the work we had started. Before we left the kitchen one of the girls, Angelica, brought her homework into the kitchen and sat down beside me. I took notice of her work and helped he a little. When I was told to get back to work, she latched on to my arm and asked me not to leave because she wanted me to play with her. I told her in Spanish that I had to go back to work and that I would play with her later. She tried to convince me that it was too cold, but I was insistent and she eventually let go of my arm. When I went to get up she yelled besito, and then as I pointed to my cheek she gave me a kiss.

Back up on the roof, we were fearful that the wind had blown away the piles we made while sweeping, but we were also scared that we would be the ones blowing away. Everything ended up being alright, and we got back to work removing the piles and beginning the Thermotek stage. Before too long we were almost done. It seemed like every time Greg left his work with wiring and looked up at us we were taking a pretzel/water break. We reassured him that we were almost finish and that we were working hard. After we finished, we left the roof and headed over to where Ellie and Betsy were sealing and painting to scrape windows. They would be painted with black oil paint so all the cement needed to be scraped off to make the palate smooth for the paint. We worked until 5 pm and then we were told that we needed to clean up and get ready for dinner. We were still going to eat in the kitchen, but we would be having sandwiches. Lesli, Sara, and AnnaLaura again saved me a seat by them.

After dinner we were told that we could take showers and whatnot or hand out some donations. We decided to just hold off on the showers and hand out some donations to the kids. The donation of choice happened to be BEANIE BABIES because we stuffed about 60 of them into our bags! They were all about bartering and trying to trade animals with us, but we knew we wouldn't be able to please all of them. I had never seen so many kids having fun just throwing these little animals around. Something that we keep so clean and on shelves or in cases was better seen in the dirt or air for these kids! Lupe, Betsy, and I had a snake fight and I spent a long time throwing the beanies with Miguel (he got an owl and a dragon). After playing some, Greg announced that we would have debriefing at 7:30 pm so we could try and take some showers, and that we did.

We had about 45 minutes for all 5 of us to shower so we did and then headed over to the kitchen where Greg and Rodo were sleeping. At this point all the kids were wrapping things up and going to bed because they had school in the morning. My legs were still covered in Thermotek, and my ankle brace resembled a dalmatian. During debriefing we talked about what a life completely surrendered to God looks like. It reminded me of a conversation that I had in my philosophy class, while trying to define what a moral person really is. After debriefing we all stuck around to snack on Laffy Taffy, Little Debbie's, and Chex Mix, and to play some speed Scrabble. We quickly discovered that Katey and Greg were the queen and king of Scrabble. Rodo was doing better than me and English is his second language, lol. We had a good time hanging out until about 11 pm, and then decided to call it quits and go to bed after a wonderfully exhausting day.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." -Colossians 3:23

-k10

to Sabinas...

2008-03-09T23:59:00.005-04:00

We woke this morning for breakfast with the Texas group. We were in awe of the mountain view so we decided to eat outside. We got to chat a little with a couple of the older women from the Hill Country Austin, TX group. We then had quiet time and small group time over by the big palapa (shelter). Church would be in this large Palapa at 10 am. The palapa was organized into 4 different areas/groups. It was interesting because first we played an icebreaker game like "rock, paper, scissors," but instead it was "gorilla, gunman, ninja." Second, we were lacking a worship leader so we a played a "name that song" game in the groups that we were sitting in. We had to first name and sing ten words of a song that had a color in it, and then the word light, and then the word joy. It was fun to get to know the people in my group and to worship in that way... lol. Beth G. one of the founders of B2B (along with her husband Todd) spoke for us. She talked about the offer theme for the year (Romans 12:1) and about the sheet of paper representing the orphan's heart. Last she talked about a dog, a rooster, and a cow:

-"Don't drag your bumbi."

-"Use your wings, and don't cling to the line."

-"Stay inside the safety of your Father's fence."

We concluded with prayer and then we were told by Greg Huffer, Cathy's husband, to change and get our bags for our trip to Sabinas. He was going to be our leader along with Rodo and Katey. We ate lunch (PB&J) and took a group photo and then we were on our way. The road trip started loud and filled with stories, but by the time we got out of the city, we were all exhausted and rested the last part of the trip. At this point, we were out of the city and surrounded by mountains, and the beauty of God's creation. It really reminded me of Texas with the canyons, flatland, and rolling hills. Finally, we pulled into the children's home after about a 2 hour trip and about 20 kids came out to meet us.

We were the first group to ever come to this home so it was an exciting thing to see their curiosity. We moved our bags, floor mats and things inside the girl's room, but then were told later that we would have to stay in a separate room from the girls, just a couple doors down. Instead of mats, we were going to get beds. They were so generous in trying to make us feel comfortable. After we finished doing that Greg began heating the charcoal and we were told to play until dinner. So that is exactly what we did. First, along with the girls, Rodo, and some of the children, we went over to play soccer in the field behind the children's home. I didn't have any tennis shoes so I stuck it out in my flip-flops. It was pretty dusty, but a lot of fun, and the boys seemed to really enjoy our attempts. Jonathan, one of the boys started out as our goalie, and then decided to give his job to me, and take on the offense. After an hour or so of soccer we walked back to the facility, and there we played basketball (around the world), played on the swings, seesaws, and slide, and just ran around.

I was exhausted, sweaty, smelly, and dehydrated, but I never felt better. We played up until they called us in to serve dinner, which was hamburgers with ham and cheese... aka DELICIOUS. We served the children first, me with the catsup, Betsy with the mayonesa, and Rodo with the mostaza. The kitchen where dinner was served was very clean, large, and organized. We were also not aware of the rules of the kitchen: be quiet. At one point one of the older girls rejected Rodo's offer of mustard, and we laughed about it. I asked, "Como se dice 'rejected' en Espanol?" He replied, "Rodolfo." In all our commotion, the director let us know about the rule and we immediately shut-up. We also were able to get food and sit down with the kids. There were about 23 kids at the home, ad I planned on learning all their names! All of the girls seemed to enjoy our presence and the fact that we wanted to hang out with them and sit by them at dinner. After dinner we played more basketball and whatnot until we were told to meet for debriefing down in the pavilion at 7:30 pm. We had to convince the children to let us go to our meeting. One girl, Angelica, literally attached to my arm, and I had to explain, "Tengo que hablar con mi grupo!"

We had out debriefing, and talked more about offering ourselves and what that looks like. We were also asked what expectations had been verified or completely disproved. Luckily none of us came in with expectations, so God had already started His work in our lives. Greg then gave us the schedule for the next day: roof and wall sealing and painting. After debriefing we went back up the hill, said good night to the children and then went to our room with Katey. We made our beds and prepared for showers. I was covered in dust from soccer so I asked if I could go first. While taking the shower I realized that it was not draining like it should be. In fact, it wasn't draining at all, and as others took showers after me, it began filling up more. Ellie bit the bullet and took a shower in our filth, but Katey decided since she would be going last, that she would put off taking a shower until tomorrow (great decision). We dubbed the shower the "Tropical Oasis," equipped with beautiful jungle scenery and man in loin-cloth, to feel better about our situation. We were exhausted after a long day of driving and play, so we went to bed soon after everyone had showered/waded.

"A man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

-k10

The Introduction:

2008-03-08T23:59:00.003-05:00

We got a decent nights sleep since B2B wasn't planning on picking us up until 11 am the next day. We met in the lobby about ten minutes 'til 11 and waited for someone to come get us. We saw the Suburban pass the front doors and proceeded outside to meet our drivers, Katey Dowd and Rodolfo. We piled into the old Suburban and headed on our way to the facility. With all our luggage and bodies, we were a sight to see in that Suburban. The city was amazing and busseling with people and places and things to look at. It reminded me of Jamaica and all its craziness... including the driving (SCARY). Suddenly, there were all these mountains that we didn't see while we were fliying in because it was night time. It was gorgeous. We made it to the campus after about 45 minutes, and marelled at our view of the mountains from the main building (known as the LBM). There we met Cathy Huffer, who proceeded to introduce us to Mexico, lunch, and orientation. After we ate lunch (PB&Js - a common meal), we went on a tour and then sat down to talk about the history of Back2Back and rules for the week.

We settled into our dorm room which was right below Cathy, and then were told to pack our bags because we would be leaving the next day for a children's home in Sabinas. It was another branch of the Casa Hogar Douglas. We were going to be the first group to be taken here, because it was a newer relationship. So then we met some more of the staff, unpacked and repacked our bags, and updated our parents again before we left the next day for Sabinas until Wednesday. We then had a little free time before we left for a cook-out at Casar Hogar Douglas in Monterrey. We decided to walk with our escort Rodolfo (aka Rodo), because it was only one mile away. The walk was interesting, including packs of dogs, street vendors, and car dodging. We made it to the home and found it swarming with children, 90 to be exact. We immediately got a tour, because Rodo had actually lived there before he started helping with B2B.

Afterwards (and after Betsy crashed down the stairs), we got to work. Betsy and Ellie went to help Rodo make cheese and Lauren, Kaitlin, and I volunteered to play and entertain children for a while. There was a huge cement slide, monkey bars, swings, jump ropes, see-saws, a soccer field, you name it, we played on it. Attempting to communicate in Spanish was interesting, but I began learning their names, and also tried cheering up one little boy who had been hit by another. All the children were AMAZING and beautiful with their smiling faces. I could see God's light in their eyes. He was their only hope.

We served all the food, which consisted of Katey on drink duty, Rodo on hotdog duty, me on condiment duty, Ellie on chip duty, Kaitlin on jalepeno duty, and Betsy on cheese duty. We were a great team and in no time, we had served all 90 children. Once we ate ourselves it was time to clean up and play a little more before we had to leave. There was one of the girls that I made a special connection with. She took Lauren and I up to the church that was at the top of the cement hill and overlooked the mountain range. It was beautiful. She then wanted to to go down the slide one more time with her, so of course, I did. Sadly we had to leave all the children and walk back to the campus. While walking Rodo decided to play a nice trick on us and ding-dong ditch at one of the nice houses surrounding the area. You should have seen me run, lol. All I had to say to him was, "Como se dice 'jerk' en Espanol." He was definitely a great help to us there, and I can definitely tell he loves the Lord.

As we made our way back we thought of how amazing our first two days had been and there was so much more to come. We came home and met some of the people from the Austin, TX team. They would be staying at the B2B property for the whole week while we went to Sabinas. We then had our debriefing where Cathy shared our quiet time booklet with us. The verse of the year is Romans 12:1, and she also shared with us the idea of an orphan and their heart being a sheet of paper torn to pieces. We also talked about the cycle of Experience >> Reflection >> Change >> Action. During our debriefing we were told to share a "picture of the day." During the time of reflection I thought of what God was trying to teach me, and how I could OFFER myself. I know I'm not invincible, but I know that God will grant me the capacity to love and share and speak. He is my hands, feet, and my ALL, beyond anything I could understand. These kids have more love and faith in them than I could ever imagine.

We went to bed with showers and "Dirty Dancing Havana Nights" (which I would not recommend... lol), ready to start into the next day!

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

-k10

The First Day

2008-03-07T23:59:00.008-05:00

Well, today's the day! God had truly blessed me with an easy, stress-free exam last night, so I actually got some sleep. It's so great to know that so many people are praying for us and our trip. I am still in shock that I am actually in Mexico right now. We call our group the dysfunctional family: considering Ellie's maternal and crazy antics, my bum ankle, and Lauren, Betsy, and Kaitlin's hilarious personalities. I could not have asked for a better group though!

After all the setbacks, including lost hotel reservations ad having to get forms notarized again at the last minute, we were finally on our way this morning. On top of everything else, the weather was HORRIBLE. Tornadoes, torrential downpour, and any other way you could use to describe a monsoon. We were trying to transfer donations and put luggage into the car while trekking through a river in the street. But through the storm, before leaving Gainesville, we were already laughing a having a great time just being together. We had lunch at Moe's and then jammed to some Regaton on the way to the Orlando airport, just to get us in the Spanish vibe. We were beyond help when it came to our skills in the Spanish language. Everything seemed to be running smoothly until we got to the airport.

First, parking was just about impossible. After frustrations with that, we had to drag our luggage over to check-in, where there appeared to be no AC. It went by easy enough to get our bags weighed and x-rayed and then we were on our way. Next of course was getting though security... let's just say Ellie had liquids and I had a boot that happen to have metal in it. That was an adventure in itself, but we made it out alive and were finally at our gate. It was apparent that things were moving slowly as we boarded a little later than projected. Once we were on the plane we were stuck on the runway for about an hour, because of the weather. It was frustrating because of the fact that we had an hour and ten minutes to reach our connecting flight in Atlanta. At one point the pilot shut off the engines and said that all the north bound lanes were closed. I immediately started praying... I could think of nothing else to do. God was the only thing holding me together, and not but two minutes later the pilot announced that we would be flying out in seven minutes: PRAISE.

Seriously, God is so GOOD. So now we were going to get into Atlanta around the same time our Monterrey flight would be leaving! Frantically, as we got off the plane we checked to see if we had any hope. I had again been praying as soon as we landed for there to be a way. And luckily there was; our plane was now scheduled to depart at 7:15 pm. It was 6:55 pm, and we had to get across five concourses. The race was on. First, I left out early because of my ankle, but then I ended up going to the wrong gate because I didn't realize they had changed it from our original. When I called Kaitlin, she assured me it was OK, and they hadn't even started boarding the plane. I had never moved so fast in my life for being in the boot. I'm sure it was a sight to see. Somehow everything came together, however ridiculous it all seemed. We had time to get dinner, go to the bathroom, and there was no worry that our luggage would get lost.

We made it to the airport and realized that we were now the minority. It was a strange feeling. Once we got our luggage we had to find someone who could help us get to our hotel. Luckily a woman had the number for the hotel and the Courtyard Marriott van picked us up about ten minutes later. We jumped in with another woman who was from Chicago and shared with her what we would be doing for our spring break. Once at the hotel we got settled into our rooms, sent out some check-in emails to family and friends and then decided to go to the 7-eleven down the street. We started a new love affair with Coka light, 2.5 liter drinks, and pesos. We hung out in Betsy, Lauren and my room, watched a little TV, and enjoyed some sour-patch kids. Sometime around 1 am we decided to go to bed.

It still blows my mind that I am now in Mexico, and I cannot fathom what this week has to hold! I pray for God to prepare my heart, and so far we have had to catch a lot of curve balls. It has definitely be worth it though. I've grown accustom to my God with no definition, standard, or expectations. I cannot wait to love on todos los ninos y ayudar la gente de Mexico. We forget how lucky we are in the States, I am so ready to leave what I know, and to step into the unknown and uncomfortable. God has already challenged me in this one day of travel, but there's no telling what else He has in store.

"Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn." -Isaiah 60:3

-k10

on a mission... to Mexico.

2008-03-06T23:59:00.003-05:00

Well, it is about time for me to be leaving for Mexico, and I still have to pack, and take an online exam. Definitely sounds like I'm prepared to leave right? I decided tonight to go to CRU, because I knew I would have regretted not going. God revealed himself to me during the amazing worship, and assured me that everything would be OK; even though it all seemed to be going wrong. I put off my test and packing, and Jessie came to pick me up. Once we got there we discovered they wouldn't be starting until 9:15ish, which would put me even farther behind schedule.

The worship was amazing though, but when returning home I realized I didn't have my key to get into Melrose. Finally my roommate came home, and she let us in, but at this point it was 10:30 pm. Luckily, I found my key at the bottom of the stairs where I had thrown it, lol. God was watching over me in this one. I then proceeded to begin studying for my test. For some reason without studying I felt very prepared for it, and I had assurance from God that it would be OK. So after reading about one chapter out of three, I took the exam. I finished in 30 minutes and felt very confident, and then finished packing, and am ready for bed right about now!

I cannot wait for tomorrow and what God is prepared to teach me. My prayer is that God will change my heart and help me be a light for those who need it! Please be praying for my team and Mexico, and what God has to offer!

Good night,
k10