Retreat.

What is a retreat?? It's a time for you to "escape," "getaway," and "hide" from what the world deals out to you everyday. So I have to decide what retreat I want to attend. On the one hand, we have a youth retreat, where I will be facilitating the spiritual growth of over 40 middle school youth. It seems like the opportunity of a lifetime. On the other hand, we have Theta Alpha retreat... the first one that I will attend, and actually be an "attendee." No duties, no strings attached. I have not had a major hand in helping plan things, and i will only help lead worship a little, which is what i LOVE to do. So why the predicament, huh? It seems that logic would have me choose the latter of the two options. Though, the logic seems clear, I am ultimately torn... quite a paradox. All my life, I have served. When someone asked for help with something, I was always there to volunteer. When someone asked me to spend one semester of my life planning every detail of one weekend retreat for 80 people I obliged kindly and smiled. I guess I get it from my mom, but I just don't stop going and doing. I cannot help but want to focus on other people. It helps me to escape from the reality in my own life. The more I think about your problems and how I can fix them, the less time I have to spend focusing on myself, and realizing the Hell that I live in everyday. It is part of my career goals: counsel people... a.k.a. live their life for a moment and work out the issues. Maybe it's time for me to start living for myself.

Kevin asked me something very important the other day: "Kristen, how many years have you spent interacting with youth and helping with their spiritual growth?" I answered, "A LOT!!" He continued, "So, why don't you spend time with your peers? The people that you very rarely help, and the people that you only have one more year with?" It was a very valid point. It's almost easy for me to hang out with youth and try to help them, like my comfort zone. I have been doing that since my freshman year in high school... but my peers, now that's another story. I help as best I can, but a lot of times I feel incapable, when it comes to aiding in God's mission in their lives. When someone your own age tries to help you, your first response is to write them off, because the are the "same age" as you. I guess it's time for me to step out of my comfort zone, because God is definitely pulling me in one direction. So, then it's time to prove the devil wrong.

Kelly and I sat in the living room for a while last night talking about what I should do. She's so great. She noticed my distress and just sat there listening intently and adding commentary when she could. I have suffered with depression much of my college career, and she noticed my recent change in demeanor. She pushed me to see that I needed to do some things for myself. And in turn, I will be able to affect people. The whole idea with planning and executing a retreat is you have to have something to give to the people who are going... well, in the state that I am in, clearly I have nothing to give, whether I want to believe that or not. I need a weekend for restoration, and then I can worry about my relationships with people. A lot of times we focus so much on loving people, we forget to love God. They are both commandments, but one clearly comes before the other. Love God, then love people.

Do something for yourself once in a while. Forget the idea of selfishness, because God called us to a relationship with him. Just because we recognize that once in a while, does not mean we are selfish.

Love,

k10

GO big or GO home.

Lately, I have just been thinking. I know, strange right? Who just sits around and thinks? I have been thinking about my future, thinking about tomorrow, thinking about life!! As a senior in college, you have to think of these things, or at least postpone your graduation one more year so you don't have to think of these things. I just never thought that I would be at a point in my life where I am looking at so many people and places and potential, but still nothing seems to be answering my questions. Where? When? How? Just a little hint, por favor!! Nevertheless, I know whatever God has planned for me is something big... I just wish I knew what it was.

I am soooooo ready for Mexico!! Yikes! I was actually just looking at my friend Caroline's blogspot and realized how much I want to be there right now. I miss mis ninos! I guess my problem is that I wish I was somewhere else doing something else, instead I should be focusing on where I am and what I'm doing now. I also wish I was back at Spanish Fort. I feel like I have left a piece of my heart there, and no matter how hard I try to volunteer and love on kids at Family Church, I am still just empty.

Life was so easy when I didn't have to make decisions. My heart is in so many places right now, but I feel as though God will reveal something very soon. Or at least I am praying HARD that God will do so. I've realized life is less lived when we live for the past or future. In fact, we are not living at all if we choose to remove ourselves from our present state. We are thinking... not living. So we are back at this concept of thinking. Live for today, for this second, for this moment. Stop thinking... the farthest distance between us and God is 18 inches: the distance between the heart and the mind.

Last week, to this day, I was able to escape to the beach: the only place I feel like I can truly escape... other than on top of a mountain I guess (because we have a lot of those around). The waves crashing, leaving a beautiful reflection of the sun behind. People laying and napping in the beaming sunlight, seemingly without a care in the world. I love that feeling, when you look at something so marvelous and unique, like the powerful ocean, and you lose track of who you are and what you need to do. It's all about that moment... that place... that wave. I love surfing, too. I think that I would die if I didn't get a decent ride in at least once a month. Surfing is obviously not the equivalent to laying on the beach, but once again, that moment when your arms are dying, but you are paddling out ahead of a wave, finally you feel the board catch, and you drop in to the mercy of the wave. Ahhhh... that is the epitome of living. We paddle and paddle waiting on the perfect wave, and when it comes we just tag along for the ride. My perfect wave has yet to come, but I just need to make sure not to waste my time and energy on the waves that never amount to anything.

Oh, life.

"I see you there hanging on a tree,
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me.
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne,
Soon we will be coming home... You're beautiful."
-Phil Wickham

Love,
k10